A REAListic online dating profile

Due to the overwhelming abundance of boring, run of the mill online dating profiles, I decided to write one that actually reflected my feelings. And if you will notice, I not once mentioned the detested phrase "I love to have fun"...

About Me:

First off, I’m a mess. I drink too much. I smoke too much and my favorite TV show is “Cathouse” on HBO. I’m not particularly fond of babies that cry, even if they are related to me (although my sister swears I’ll be more tolerant once I have one of my own). I’m in debt up to my ears and can’t seem to hang on to a dollar to save my life. If it’s in my wallet, I can guarantee you that it won’t be there long.

I’m narcissistic and insecure. I love the outdoors but not if it’s too hot or too cold. I don’t care to be out of my comfort zone and don’t like to be inconvenienced. I’m very selfish and will often think of myself first. Unless I really, REALLY like you. I love my family but don’t really want to see them. I’m still slightly hung up on an ex and I’m highly oversexed. I bore easily and don’t care for rejection. Much like “The Godfather” I’ll only ask once.

I’m lazy and once I’m off of work I don’t really want to do much of anything. Education is not that important to me and I don’t consider ones education to be a deal breaker. To say that I have issues is an understatement. However, I do have this to offer. I am fantastic in bed and I’ll make you laugh as I don’t take things too seriously.

What I'm Look For:

I want a man with a full head of thick, dark hair. Cut short. 6’ plus. Olive skin. Big biceps, tight ass and six pack abs. I also love me some chocolate. In such case, hair is optional as long as you have amazing traps. Somebody sarcastic with a slightly romantic side. But not so romantic that he sings to me or recites poetry because that will make me laugh instead of swoon. He doesn’t have to love his job just as long as he has a lot of money to spend on me and support my knitting habit.

If he’s sober and doesn’t drink we won’t match. If a non drinker says he doesn’t mind you drinking he’s lying. The drunker you get the more judgemental he will get. You call when you say you’ll call. Oh yeah, and you love to give massages but don’t like to get them because I hate to give them.

I want a man with no ex girlfriends/wives or children. Preferably a virgin so that I can mold him to my specific likes and dislikes. A man that hates videogames would be ideal because I like sex too much. One more thing, IF after I have just posted 987 photos on Match (Plenty of Fish, Yahoo, Etc.) and we get to talking and/or emailing PLEASE don't ask me if I have any more pictures. Especially, if you have none or one posted yourself. If you do ask me this then you are a retard and good luck getting to first base.

My Ethnicity:

To put it simply, I’m a mut. I’m a quarter Slavic and the rest is a mix of English, French and some other western European countries.

For Fun:

I love to watch people and make fun of them. I adore knitting but only knit scarves because I don’t have the patience to learn how to follow a pattern. Scarves are pretty basic and straight forward. I feel at home in craft stores and have bought so much crap that I could and should actually open up one of my own. I also love to paint, draw and write. I love to talk about myself and watch documentarys on MSNBC.

Favorite Hot Spots:

I love the beach but only if it doesn’t have any sand. I love to party with friends but prefer smaller settings. I don’t particularly feel the need to be stuffed like a sardine in the highly pretentious Hollywood club scene. If I can’t make my way through the crowd to the bar than what good is it to be there? I also don’t consider standing for 5 hours in heels to be much fun either. No seat, no go.

Favorite Things:

Money, yarn, wax, sex, TV, music, bath and body products and eyecream. Not particularly in that order.

My Religion:

I’m not particularly religious. I’ve never been baptized and if I’m going to hell because of it then I’m sure I won’t be going alone. Although, if there is a God and I get rejected at the pearly gates I’m sure going to be upset with my folks for not taking care of that when I was a baby because I don’t particularly care for extreme heat.

My Education:

I graduated high school, what more do you want? I went to college for a few days. Wasn’t my cup of tea. Does that make you love me any less? At least I know the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re”. That’s more than I can say for many of the profiles written by people claiming to have “their” Bachelors degrees. If you actually consider “kewl” as an abbreviation for “cool” than we shouldn’t be dating also.

Last Read:
My profile because after reading hundreds of others I’ve come to realize that mine is the only one worth reading. At least mine is honest.
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And YES, I did actually post this on all the above mentioned dating websites. The responses were far more interesting than you'd imagine...