Perhaps I should consider posting my resume on Match.com

I apologize in advance as I’m feeling particularly feisty today. I just finished taking a 200 question personality test for a job interview. Is there really a wrong way to answer “Do you often find yourself smiling?” I can’t wait to get the results of that test. What I want to know is, how does that have anything to do with my experience as an Administrative Assistant? Not one single question had anything to do with the position being applied for. Or any position for that matter. But my desire to eat, keep a roof over my head and buy toilet paper outweighed my overwhelming desire to tell the business consultant issuing the test to go fuck herself. She spent five minutes going over my resume and 30 minutes waiting for me to finish the “What Kind of Psycho Are You?” test. Apparently, my experience and qualifications were far less important than my emotional wellbeing. Let me assure you, after having to answer 200 variations of “Is your voice monotone or does it vary in pitch?” my being is not well. I suppose if I had answered “No” to the smile question she would have automatically dismissed me as being a ticking time bomb and called out to Security. I felt like winking at her and telling her I needed to get something out of my car and I would be right back…

From what was explained to me, Ms. Independent Business Consultant Cuntrag (I don’t use that word lightly. I don’t usually have a problem with Consultants) was hired by the company seeking an Administrative Assistant to streamline their growing company and save them money. Right off the top of my head, I could have told this company how to save money…and the rain forest. Get rid of Ms. IBCC and her six page questionnaire asking if I thought “others liked me”.

This whole process has got me thinking. Looking for employment is much the same as looking for love online. Both unfortunately, usually ending much the same way. With a broken ego, crushed spirit and an empty wallet. Not to mention the feeling after all is said and done of being emotionally drained and having been buttraped without any lube.

In both cases you are forced to take your life’s worth of experiences and knowledge and paraphrase them into a few short paragraphs in the hopes that you’ve done something that will make you stand out above the rest. In the event that you are able to catch someone’s eye you set up a face to face meeting. The interview, per say. You answer questions about your past, future and present while the interviewer (date) tries to determine if you are worthy of being hired (or taken on a second date). By the time your hour is up you are left second guessing yourself and your answers, hoping they will call yet knowing they won’t and wondering why the guy at Colfax Liquor won’t give you a discount for buying vodka in bulk after your soul has just been crushed.

The good thing about online dating is that I actually get responses to my ad and I get laid. Possibly just because I have breasts (big beautiful breasts) but at least I get some sort of feedback and for at least 30 seconds I can forget all about having “too much experience” to toss burgers yet not enough for an entry level receptionist position because I don’t have my degree (even though I’ve been working in Admin for 13 years.) So, for that I salute you Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Eharmony and any other dating site out there that I haven’t mentioned.

But one last thing, as I’m typing this out I just received an email from Ms. Cuntrag. I must have failed the personality test because they chose to hire another candidate. Guess there was a wrong answer to the smiling question after all. Humph, Imagine that.

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Just for kicks I’ve decided to revamp my cover letter (much as I did with my online dating profile). If they want something that will stand out that’s exactly what I will give them…Check it out. And yes, I started sending this out shortly after my rejection…

Dear Asshole,

I am completely qualified, if not over qualified for this position. I do not however, possess a degree. I guess that of and in itself is enough to disqualify me from filling the position of receptionist and lapdog but I strongly disagree. Apparently, having 13 years of “on the job” administrative and clerical experience (six of those being in a management position) is just not equivalent to an AA or Bachelor’s Degree. Guess what, some of us just didn’t have the money. I love that at 31 years of age, I am now being penalized for being an active tax paying member of society since I was 18 years old. My bad (not exactly a professional term but it works for me at the moment. Lest we forget….I’m not college educated…member????)

To be offered anything less than $20 an hour actually insults my intelligence. Especially considering that someone on the corner of any given street will make at least $12 or $13 an hour twirling a sign in the hopes you will come into their store to buy the newest cell phone.

So, I actually hope that you don’t call me for I’m sure that I have already applied to your open position and wasn’t qualified.

Kisses,
Melisa

You should see how I revamped my actual resume. Now if this doesn’t get anybody’s attention, I don’t know what will.

I’m done venting. Have a good night. I’m about to go curl up and watch “South Park” reruns since I have failed miserably this week in both the job front and the love front. But all is not lost. I have a very special inanimate friend that I keep under my bed for these lonely nights. All it needs is a D battery and we are good to go. I may be giving myself Carpel Tunnel Syndrome but nobody’s been too eager to hire me for my typing skills anyway. At least I still go to bed satisfied and I don’t have to nudge it to keep from snoring.