The Proposal

Before I begin, let me apologize for this post being so disjointed.  It was difficult for me to figure out how to cram so much bullshit into one entry ;-)


How It All Began

A year ago I received an email from Loverboy through Plentyoffish. He thought I was cute and I wholeheartedly agreed. Loverboy was supposedly a wannabe Hip Hop artist. Meaning he was unemployed. Our first phone conversation was nothing short of boring and blasé. After that I pretty much wrote him off as I wasn't particularly interested in getting to know a starving artist with the personality of a stop sign, regardless of his amazing abs. He called back a few times but I never felt the undying need to answer and continue our conversation about paint drying and grass growing.

BUT, when I get bored I tend to look for something to amuse me. In other words, that's when I get myself into trouble. I know the signs and I know the results and when I hear the little voice in my head that says "read a book", "take a bubble bath" or "go for a walk around the park" I usually tell it to fuck off because I'm a big girl now and can do whatever I want.

So, against my better judgment, I called Loverboy back and said I could be over in an hour. My first thought when seeing him was YUM! I smirked and told the little bitch inside my head that I was right, she was wrong and neener neener. She'd be thanking me later when we played naked Twister. Without the mat.

The evening went far better than expected. We talked, we made out and he asked me to come back the following evening. I was smitten.

But my gut told me something wasn’t quite right. It was that stupid little bitch in my head again saying "run", "get out" and "don't look back!" To which I replied, "Shut up! He has a 9" dick! I'm not going anywhere!"

The Beginning of the End

Driving out to eat one night in Loverboy’s Tokyo Drift Mercury Cougar, he had the volume of his radio set to approximately 43,000 decibels (which is about 307 times louder than a shotgun blast. I checked). As dogs howled and car alarms went off, I shouted above the song regaling me with tales of slapping bitches and Hennessey reigning supreme, to ask if he could turn the music down. Loverboy gave me a look that said “Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?” and reluctantly turned the radio down just as we pulled into the Pick Up Stix parking lot.

Not since being dropped off for school in my step dads ’73 Ford pickup truck with a Hound dog tied to the bed have I been so mortified. I’m sure we made quite the pair. He in head to toe FuBu and me decked out in Old Navy getting out of a racing car arguing over why or why not it’s for the best to turn the radio down when I’ve heard the word cunt one too many times. He barely spoke to me the rest of the evening.

The relationship took a steady downward spiral after that and it wasn't long before I had to finally concede to that voice inside my head and admit she was right. Loverboy and I were both hard headed and stubborn. I should have known we were doomed from the start. The fact that I later found out he had two baby mamas and a record didn’t help matters either.

The End

I never did find out what he did for a living other than pursuing his dream of being the next Tupac. The one song he actually did play for me was awesomely stupid. It was quite difficult to keep a straight face while listening to it. Even though he claimed to have written it for me I was far from flattered. He couldn’t understand why his early declarations of love were falling on deaf ears and I couldn’t understand why a 36 year old man had a drifting car.

When my fascination with the dick wore off, I split. That was nine months ago.

The Proposal

Every few weeks since I went Houdini on him, he would call. He never left a message and I never answered. I had no desire to go hang with him and his buddies crying over MJ’s death and smoking weed. But, as happens every time I get bored and horny, I do something incredibly stupid and this time was no exception.

I returned Loverboy’s call.

In the time apart, we had both moved locations and gotten new jobs. And when I say “we got new jobs” I really mean “I got a new job”. He seemed almost giddy to hear from me. I decided to stop by and see him after work. He said he missed me like crazy and apologized for not “being the man he should have been” when we were together before. He said things were different now, blah, blah, blah.

I went back and spent Sunday, the 4th of July with him. We basically did nothing but watch bad TV and fuck. It was pretty much how I prefer to spend all my Sundays. Again, he started in with how things were different now and how much he felt he’d been given a second chance and didn’t want to screw it up.

Then, out of nowhere he asked me marry him. He said I was so amazing that I “should be somebody’s wife”.

Did anybody else just pee a little because I sure as hell did. What does that mean anyway? Does he even know me? I sport fuck for fun. I laugh at people that trip and I think that most babies are assholes. What part of that says “Wife” to you?

Shell-shocked and thinking of no less than 49 ways to reject his proposal, I simply told him I didn’t want to get married right now. At all. To anyone.

It was also explained that I needed to take him up on his offer before I got too old and wrinkled and he became famous. Hell, when he puts it that way it’s almost poetic.

The shit I put up with for a decent lay. I’ve clearly gone off my meds.

Mr. Perfect

This is going to be a long post. Only because Mr. Perfect is a long winded asshole that can’t seem to stop talking about himself. Initially, I was only going to quote the interesting lines in his profile but after having read through it a few times I decided to post it as is. I implore you to take the time to read through it in its entirety.

His email to me:

Hey,
 I'm normally in N.Holly; an educated, athletic white male dark hair/eyes broad shouldered few tasteful tats residing in the Tarzana/Woodland Hills area. I have a stable career, work in law enforcement, maintain a business and I've returned to school to receive my 2nd Degree. I have a wide variety of interests listed here on my profile, and would love to chat if you feel we'd click as I do.

*Yawn*

His Profile:

UPDATED: To those of you saying that's a cute dog posing with you; thank you for the compliment he was actually my partner who had passed away June 27th, 2008! I thank you for the best-wishes to those of you who have told me already. NOTE: The other photos I've posted are the only one's I have of myself mostly with friends or former clients! I've been called a "Good Samaritan" the one whose stopped at accident scenes; to direct traffic, call 911 or assist anyway I can. I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm "Me" A Chivalrous (having been raised by 4 ladies and grandpa), Poetic, Athletic, Educated, Sarcastic, Compassionate, Articulate, Faithful white male who has an Extremely Open-mind, has previously worked in the Hospitality Industry, Taught, Trained, Educated, Mentored, Apprehended and Protected. I went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable" I'm tall, standing just under six feet weighing approx. two hundred thirteen fit lbs with broad shoulders, dark hair and hazel-brown eyes. I have a muscular/fit build, big arms/calves "not a meat-head though" and several tasteful pieces of ink/holes where piercings use to lay! I've led a great career; (to which I utilize my law enforcement background to), Maintain a business in the Entertainment Industry, Promote a Women's Wrestling Division, Volunteer at a Private Animal Rescue, act as a Respite Giver for an Autistic Boy and I've returned to school to complete my 2nd Degree {where I'll be hopefully working in the medical field as a Dr. (DVM) by 2013}. ATTIRE: I'm pretty much a T-shirts/collard polo & shorts type of a guy, (wearing my sunglasses as much as I can/those damn sun's rays lol!), yet I can dress the part; and told pretty dapper in a suit & tie when the occasion calls for it!

 ABOUT YOURSELF: local, fun, attractive, faithful, open minded and believes in the idea of *COMPROMISING* A lady who enjoys spending time w/me as much as I enjoy spending with them. Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living. I consider Tattoos and Piercings sexy (yet it's not a requirment, just a like). A girl in shorts/jeans and a t-shirts, someone who can dress "girly" in a dress/skirt/gown for an appropriate function works as well. Perhaps, you're a lady who is open to grabbing her bikini and being spontaneous enough to head off to the beach, daisy dukes and "Brains" are sexy as well. Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :) INTERESTS: I have a wide variety of interests and an eclectic taste in music. I enjoy walking along the Venice Boardwalk, Annual 80's Rock concerts, the County Fair, Knott's Scary Farm's Annual Halloween Haunt, Hiking, Shooting, Karaoke, Museums (big into the Baroque & Goth Eras thanks to Art History), Indy Wrestling, the Theater and I'm open to Shooting pool. A couple times a month I can be found traveling up north or down south for the day for work purposes; where there's always an extra seat for a navigator (wink wink).

 So, I ask you this; if you'd like to meet a Chivalrous, attractive, respectful, open minded happy guy feel free to take a glance @ my profile and see what similar interests we share and let's get to know one another. Many have asked for more then 1 photo, so I've placed several photos for you to scroll through. Just remember, I'm not too photogenic. Give me the opportunity to prove that to you.
 -----///\\-----
----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---account If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Died
------///\-----Of
----///\\\----Cancer

Cheese and rice, where do I begin? Is there anything this Chuck Norris wannabe doesn’t do?

1. His definition of “Muscular/Fit” and “Broad shouldered” differ immensely from mine. By the looks of his beer belly pictures, nobody is going to accuse this guy of being a “meat head”. Not that I mind if he’s packing a few extra lbs but don’t claim to be in shape when you clearly are not. I myself am no swimsuit model but I also don’t claim to be in my profile while showing you a picture of a Chippendale’s stripper grabbing my size 16 ass.

2. He has such pictures posted as “Walking out of Olive Garden” and “Just me”. Shall I send him the pictures of me playing on my computer? Watching TV? Sleeping?

3. He claims to be an educated man yet does not quite have the best grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Neither do I, but again, I don’t claim to as he does right off the bat.

4. Did he just write “I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm Me”?  Give me a fucking break. I suppose this egomaniac also has doorways built in his house specifically to accommodate the size of his ginormous head.

5. He went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable"???  Bite me. He went into Law Enforcement because he needed a hook to get laid.

6. He’s looking for “Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living.”  Oh really? Who the fuck do you know? Ricki Rocket? What the fuck do you do? Promote women’s wrestling? Don’t do me any favors, lamesauce.

7. “Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :)”  What the fuck is wrong with this guy???

8. “Just remember, I'm not too photogenic.” <-------Truth!

9. While myself and a great majority of those on the planet Earth have probably lost somebody they love to cancer I’m not a fan of seeing these typed ribbons on anyone’s profile. I get it, somebody you knew is dead. Same here, bucko but I just choose not to broadcast it on a site looking for love. Save that shit for your diary.

In all honesty, I’m not so sure why this guy pissed me off so much. Oh wait, it’s because he had Barbara Streisand’s nose, John Goodman’s physique and Ray J’s ego.

Youngbuck Revisited

When I’m all alone at night my mind begins to wonder. Crazy shit streams through my head like a bad horror flick written by Heidi Montag. How do lizards have sex? Does So and So really look in the mirror and think “Damn that looks good” before leaving the house? How was I able to function before “Snapped” on Oxygen? Is Oprah really a lesbian? And when is a good time to tell my cousin she isn’t a model? The inner dialog inside my head is definitely questionable.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, actually it doesn’t except to show that I’m clearly crazy. But even I, in my craziest of episodes, wonder what the fuck people are thinking when they do, say or write certain things.

Case in point, Youngbuck (remember him?).

I want to take a moment and discuss Youngbuck’s steady spiral towards the “You’ve got to be kidding me and lose my number” zone. Perhaps someone can please shed some light on why Youngbuck went from a sweet, decent lay into a man with an unhealthy preoccupation with my knees and his penis.

Truth be told, I’m not really sure why he’s still around. In my heart of hearts I know that we will never be exclusive. Perhaps I like having him around because he’s cute, good in bed (as long as he gives it a rest without going all 12 rounds) and once I get over the fact that he spells “kik it” with a “k” I can relax and enjoy his company.

The moment he mentioned “feelings” is when the spiral began. Most everyone I know, knows that I don’t own a pair of those so when he mentioned the “F” word I backed off big time. I had thought we were on the same page up to that point so this was all completely out of left field.

I haven’t seen too much of him since then but he’s still actively pursuing me. However, his attempts at reconnecting have begun to border on the bizarre. Let me show you an example of one of his most recent attempts the other night (via text message):

YB: hey there

Me: hey

YB: How r u?

Me: Good. U?

YB: Good. Busy with work & skool

Me: Gotcha

YB: What r u doin?

Me: Just watching some TV.

YB: Sounds fun…u wanna suk sum cock

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

Oh gee, can I? Oh, pretty please?!? First off, my answer is no. I realize my day seemed to be devoid of something but I’m pretty sure sucking cock was not what it was missing. At least, not that day anyway. And secondly, you are not doing me any favors by sticking your dick in my mouth. As a matter of fact, that’s me doing you a favor.

I never responded to his offer of generosity so an hour later I got this:

YB: I guess that’s a no

See, he’s not so stupid after all.

Three days later…

YB: When kan we fuck

I didn’t even get any warning with that one. No “hi, how are you?” or “how was your day?” Nothin!

Me: When you stop sending me stupid texts about fucking and sucking dick. You know I hate that shit (Yes, I have told him on multiple occasions that I find “sexting”, as the kids call it, cheesy and lame. If you want to fuck, get your ass over here. I don’t need to talk about it. Put up or shut up.)

YB: Ok, no prob…karry on

Me: AND STOP SPELLING SHIT WITH A K!!!

For God’s sakes! This is a grown ass man. In college and holding down two jobs, no less. It’s like the closer he comes to the realization that I’m not interested in him romantically the more of a fucktard he becomes.

Is it because I’ve hurt his ego? Is he trying to outplay me in the game of NSA? It seems to me as if he’s gone overboard in trying to make it appear as though he no longer cares and he’s just in it for sex. The only difference being that I AM only in it for sex and he’s clearly gotten his wee wittle feelings hurt. I didn’t intentionally make it my mission to rebuff his romantic advances but I was up front and honest with him the whole time about where I stood. He knew the game. He knew the rules.

OR

He’s really just an idiot and thinks that women find it panty shedding hot to be bombarded with texts about hair pulling and knee scraping. I’m thinking a little bit of both.

And for the record, it’s apparently NEVER a good time to tell your cousin that she isn’t a model. Go figure.

Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails

"im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron"

**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?

And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're so gorgeous...

Men should get in line for you!

Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)

Kiss,

-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"

**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.

Status: Not single/Not looking

Looking For: Talk/E-mail

Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable

In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.

First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times.  I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"

**Alllllriiiighty then

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"

**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…

“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”

**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"

**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.

2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…

Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God

About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!

I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.

I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.

I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.

I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.

Del Mar is where I live.

I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.

Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.

Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"

First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."

**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.

I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.

I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!

SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!

I live in Culver City and work in Century City.

You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.

Ciao

P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL

PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""

**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"you do look gorgeous =]"

**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”

Good luck in your search.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"how are u today, are u busy

would u like to chat?

my name is kevin, whats your name?

Kevin"

**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:

"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"

**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX

samir"

His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."

First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."

**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!

Parole Officers Count As Men In Uniform, Right?

The Parole Officer’s Profile:

“ONE man can love a million women,but only ONE REAL man can love ONE woman in a million ways.(and i truly post that quote genuinely.)as far as getting 2 know one another,i feel most guys approach women and reveal way too much about themselves,leaving nothing 2 the element of surprise.The only thing u need 2 know about me is that i have A LOT of POSITIVE energy and i'm really FUN 2 be around.Thus leaving us more 2 talk about and more fun in getting 2 know one another.I'm 36,but anyone and everyone thinks i'm barely older than 26.(I'm very thankful 4 that,it's a blessing.)With the right girl,trust me,every week is a valentines with me.I go ALL out 4 that special girl,because that special girl will stand out from all others in doing the same 4 me.Everything is ENERGY and KARMA,i truly believe that.4 every WRONG girl that didn't appreciate a GOOD guy,there's a MS. RIGHT who's waiting 4 the perfect time 2 quickly replace her.(and vice versa)(because everything in life is timing.)Whether a serious or casual relationship,i'm communicative,humorous and fun in all aspects of life.I'm as stimulating and as EXTREMELY passionate as any woman can ever wish and hope 2 meet and find in a guy.I can't lie,i LOVE thick n curvy women.If u always wanted 2 date or hangout w/a guy w/hazel eyes(they change from brown 2 green in the strike of any bright light on them.)and have a weakness 4 guys with deep dimples,well that's me,n your in luck.=)

The old cliche "girls just wanna have fun" is a cliche because it's true.Women care more about having fun with you than if your financially successful or attractive.Women are more at ease with a man who is humorous because his very nature is light hearted.Not that i've never been told i'm sexy,and believe me,i love the attention!!!~lol..=)but my physical attributes and all the money in the world could never compare 2 the person i am HUMOROUSLY..LOL...but yet the comfortable,communicative,and very balanced,GENUINE man i am as well.Some girls want something casual,some want something serious,most don't really know period..lol...and that's ok,no set rules,let's just enjoy it,life's 2 short not 2..=)it's not the date,but the fun company you're with,and with me,everything and anything is VERY fun..i'm CLASSY,i'm BAD BOY,yet GOOD HEARTED,i dress NICE w/SO MUCH STYLE,smell GREAT,EXTRA CLEAN,CONFIDENT,but not ARROGANT...”
Let's just assume that this profile was written by somebody with a reading level above the 3rd grade, shall we? If I went into grammar nazi mode this entry would be a whole lot longer.

I don’t want to hear how laid back you are. I don’t want to hear how great you are. I don’t want to hear how funny you are. Am I laughing? No. So basically, you are a liar too. Good start.

So why did I meet the Parole Officer? Because he was cute.

I can fully appreciate a man with a healthy level of confidence. As long as it doesn’t cross over into cockiness, I’m accepting. The moment any man starts telling me what a Godsend he is I log off.

His profile said 5’10” but upon meeting he admitted that he was really 5’9”. I guess he figured he’d better own up since I stand at exactly 69” myself. I applaud his honesty but I’m not quite sure it’s wise to risk your word and admit to lying when it’s only 1” in question. But he did have gorgeous eyes, dimples and a job so I gave him the 1” and decided to let it drop. Laying down we are all the same height anyway.

Against every dating rule in the book, I met him at his place. I make no apologies. I did my research and deemed it safe enough for me to visit for a few hours before he had to leave for work. But maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all. You can learn a lot about a man by the residence he keeps.

He had a studio apartment and from the looks of it had been there quite a while and accrued a good many items to fill it. Being half Italian, half Irish it was clear that he took his heritage very seriously. He made a point to let me know since his last name translated to Lion he was a strong male and therefore decorated his entire apartment to reflect that. Now my last name roughly translates to mean briar patch yet you don’t see me decorating my place in a tangle of vines. I’m proud of my roots but not THAT proud. Call me crazy.

Mr. Officer was also heavily into Ju-Jitsu and had a bunch of stuff on the wall that I will never know the meaning of. I’m sure it all meant obvious shit like Strength, Loyalty and some other crap that you see too often in tattoos on men that have taken one Karate class and consider themselves deep.

On his only window, instead of curtains, he used two fleece blankets. One being from “Beauty and the Beast, The Musical” and the other being of “Scarface”. On the wall opposite the Ju-Jitsu wall was his shrine to all things Al Pacino and “Scarface”. He made a point of letting me know that despite him being blond with hazel eyes he’d been told he looked like Al and they shared the same bone structure. As far as I’m concerned, he looks like Al Pacino about as much as I do. Again, stop TELLING me who and what you look like! I’m not blind!

So let me get this straight. He’s laid back, wonderful, funny, outgoing, a Lion, 5’9” and resembles Al Pacino. Please, why stop there, oh humble one? I’m obviously completely incapable of coming to my own conclusions.

To me he sounded like somebody that had watched one too many Sopranos episodes then learned how to construct a conversation at the Gang Banger School for Language Arts in East LA. Come on, I’m a 32 year old woman from Pasadena that considers Old Navy to be high end. I don’t do slang and I most certainly have a hard time pulling “gangsta” off.

He also bragged about being good in bed. Or rather, he told me that he didn’t need to brag about how good he was in bed because he’d never had any complains. This, in my eyes, constitutes as bragging.

He was wrong about that too.

After I was done and beat from doing all the work while the lazy bastard enjoyed my *ahem* enthusiasm, I was tortured by being forced to listen to Frankie J remixes on CD compilations that his past lovers had made him. Oh, the excitement *yawn*. From now on, the reverse cowgirl doesn’t come out until at least the 3rd time we get nekked. That’s too much effort to be putting out on a one time only, unimaginative gangster wannabe that insists you leave your shoes by the front door.

For me, the only good part of the evening was when he put on “Roadhouse” with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott. This led to a discussion on men and aging which naturally led to my lifelong adoration of all things Sean Connery. Maybe telling Mr. Officer that I’d totally have a threesome with Sam Elliott and Sean Connery wasn’t the best post coital pillow talk but after the rather dull “meeting of the minds” we’d just partaken in I didn’t much feel the need to censure myself.

I grabbed my purse, my keys, said a quick “talk to you later” which really meant “don’t call me, I’ll call you” and was out the door.

Moral of the story? Sean Connery is still the best looking 97 year old I’ve ever seen and I would still have a threesome with him and Sam Elliott.

The Fireman

I had a post all planned out in my head about a dryhumping Italian I went on a date with but my attention was suddenly diverted when I logged onto Match.com just now.

At the moment, I’m surprised I can even remember where the home keys are. I saw a profile on there that literally made me forget how to exhale. Three words…

He’s a FIREMAN!

Raaaawwwwr! I want to do things to this man that if written down here would require a parent’s permission to read, regardless of age.

I’m fairly convinced that in order to become a firefighter one must not only be in good shape but they must also have the kind of looks that bronze sculptures are modeled after. As if when filling out the job application there’s a third option under “Sex”. Male, Female and God. Even older firemen all turn into Sean Connery. True story.

I don’t know this man. I probably never will. I have no intention of writing him. He’s too good looking. It’s not that I fear rejection. I don’t feel he’s too good for me. My fear is that he will write back. That he will be interested. How the hell will I ever get anything done if I never allow him to leave my bed? I wouldn’t be able to update this blog! Mutiny would ensue. The world as we know it would stop rotating. So, it’s in the best interest of humanity that I leave this man alone.

Here are his stats:

He’s 28, 6’1”, black, shaved head, brown eyes, Baptist, never married, no kids (yet wants some down the road) and has trouble keeping his biceps tucked into the sleeves of his uniform (yes, I’m drooling). And he’s a Sagittarius. Only two things about him so far make me want to run. First off, he’s 28. I don’t mesh well with younger men. There’s a level of maturity that we have a hard time meeting on. And in case you are wondering, I’m not necessarily referring to myself as the mature one. Secondly, he’s a Sagittarius. I’m a Sagittarius. By all accounts, we are perfect together. Knowing this, I definitely know I can’t write to him. My suspicions of us never leaving the bedroom would be well founded.

On second thought, I should write to him. If I’m going to be playing in bed all day then that means I won’t be eating. If I’m not eating and I'm working out 12 hours a day *wink-wink* then imagine the body I will acquire.

Well, shit. I’ve gone and gotten myself all flustered with promises of a flat stomach and hot bedroom action with someone trained to put out fires and rescue pussy.

So, I did it. I wrote to him. I racked my brain for the perfectly crafted email to send. Brace yourselves for the killer note I sent him…

“Hi”

Was that too much? I hope I didn’t give him too much information. I want to leave some things to the imagination. I hope he’s intrigued enough to write back.

By the way, I’m inviting all of you to our wedding…

Just as soon as I finish this cold shower…

Keep It In Your Pants, Please

I recently took a quiz on Facebook. The quiz was expertly titled “How Well Do You Know Men?” My score? 0% - Pathetic (their words, not mine). I proudly posted my score for all to see finding it amusing yet realizing that that one quiz pretty much summed up my entire dating and relationship history.

Really giving this trivial yet meaningful quiz a lot of thought I figured the way I had been viewing the opposite sex could actually be flawed. Until 12 hours later when I met Vanilla. In 15 minutes of being face to face with Vanilla I was proven that my initial assumptions had been correct all along and that Facebook was full of shit.

As with any other dating site, much of my time is spent weeding through the social retards and leather wearing, motorcycle riding grandfathers trying to reclaim their youth till you find somebody that doesn’t make you cringe or vomit in your mouth a little. Receiving an email from Vanilla and not feeling the need to leave the table was definitely a good sign. He was tall, brunette, had abs you could wash clothes on and biceps that looked as though lifting my big ass would be a piece of cake. He had all his teeth, lived locally and apparently was a chubby chaser. Yay me! I think. Draw backs included being six years younger than me and him only looking to “hang out”. Still, I responded back.

Thanks to unemployment and a sudden appearance of one of my Wisdom teeth I put my newfound love interest on the backburner. This wasn’t good enough for him. The moment he knew there was a spark of interest he was relentless. Daily emails and miraculously, every time I logged onto the site he was there. If he weren’t so damn hot I would have avoided him like the plague. However, due to my circumstances I could see how I might have been coming across as a tad flaky so I cut him some extra slack for being so tenacious. If the situation had been reversed I would have already probably written myself off.

I gave Vanilla my phone number and let him call me. The initial conversation was decent. I’m not sure if he was trying to assure me or compliment me by telling me how much he loved women with “meat on their bones”. But his emphasis on the matter made me feel a tad uncomfortable. I’m not a freak, I’m not a circus monkey, and I’m not required to purchase two plane seats so he could have left it at “I like thick women”. Once I was able to direct him from the size of my ass the conversation flowed smoothly.

A few nights later we decided to meet for an impromptu late night snack. We chose a café close by and I arrived a few minutes early and prayed that things would go well. A few minutes later he pulled up. We both got out of our cars and despite him looking skinnier than his pictures he was still very cute. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me close to him and tried to kiss me.

Wait, what?!? This would have been great if we were in the midst of a Harlequin Romance but we had just met. I gave him a quick hug and gently removed his hands from my hips. He checked me out from head to toe in a way that made me feel as though I were livestock and started to growl his approval. Yes, I said growl. Trying to get out of such direct scrutiny I suggested we go inside for a cup of coffee. He said we would “in a minute”.

Changing the subject from my curves to his upcoming birthday he made a very fateful decision. He started complaining about turning 26 and how old he was going to be. With disdain, I reminded him that I myself was 31 and that being 25 was by no means anywhere near old. To counter, he told me that the aging process was different for women than it was for men. I agreed, pointing out that in the battle of age men were usually the benefactors and women were usually stuck trying to reverse the process. Think Phyllis Diller v. Sean Connery. Who’s sexier? I think you see where I’m going with this.

To make things worse, he started to rub himself. And by “himself” I really mean his junk. The growling started up again and he told me he couldn’t help himself because I was so damn sexy. With disbelief, I caught myself saying “What are you doing? You can’t pull that out HERE!” At which point he told me that I needed to “see it”. I assured him that I had seen plenty of Peni in my day and that NO, I did not need to see his. As if things couldn’t get any more awkward he asked how close I lived and if we could go there. According to Vanilla, he wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation with me unless he had a “release”. All the while trying to grab at me and bring me closer to him. And yes, we were still in the parking lot.

I decided it was time for me to extract myself out of this particular situation…and FAST. I told him I needed to go and started walking back to my car. The last words I heard escape his suddenly childish pouty lips as I disappeared into the distance were…

”you aren’t going to call me, are you…?”

I’m sure the closing of my car door answered that question. Buh bye.

Two weeks later, I got this:

Him: U still want to meet babe?
Me: What do you mean? We already met...
Him: like hang out
Me: I think I'm going to pass but good luck to you...

Folks, I can’t make this shit up…

Eharmony Owes Me A Refund

Eharmony makes finding “the one” seem so easy. However, in a nutshell, this was my overall experience with it. I spent a week filling out a Christian based questionnaire just to determine that I would be compatible with someone that “liked to laugh” and “enjoyed spending time with family and friends”. You don’t say. After that, they took it upon themselves to determine that “My type” were short men from anywhere BUT California. To say that eHarmony was not a success for me would be the ultimate understatement.

I didn’t always feel so unEharmonious. At first, I was curious to see what this “relationship site” had in store for me. After all, I have tried just about every other site known to man with no luck other than learning how to put a condom on without any hands. Which I suppose is a fantastic talent if you get paid for that sort of thing. Given the hefty price tag, I thought I would get something out of Eharmony.

In the beginning, I wasn’t at all pleased to learn that the control had been taken out of my hands. But I went with it in the hopes that perhaps trying a different approach might give me a different result. When I was contacted by Smother Guy my hopes were lifted thinking maybe Dr. Neil Clark was onto something.

SG had one picture posted, with two men, both blond. Neither one was specifically my type but they weren’t horrendous either. And my communications with SG had been going so well that I was intrigued to see this through. Once we switched to Instant Messaging and to the phone my fate was sealed. I was sold. Hook, line and sinker. 6’2”, built like a linebacker, former marine and the sense of humor that would make Ben Stein crack a smile.

My dress would be white, bridesmaids were picked and the wedding invitations were ready to be sent out. Everything was perfect except….I still had to actually MEET this guy. What could go wrong?

We met for dinner and as expected had a great time. He wasn’t actually the one in the picture that I was expecting but he was funny and that goes a long way with me. We did some bar hopping and ended the night with a kiss. There was certainly no doubt about whether or not I would be seeing this guy again. The only drawback at this point was that he lived about an hour away from me. Which during rush hour was easily doubled but I didn’t mind so much considering it was only a matter of time before our relationship became legal and I moved in. Shut up.

Second date I drove to him. We’d decided on dinner and a movie at his place which was pretty much code for dinner and some sexy time. I was game. I don’t believe in wasting time. If I want you, you’ll know it.

Dinner started off great. Until my big boy started to sweat while eating. Not a good sign. With that, my inner bitch kicked in. It wasn’t my fault that we were sitting in a booth with unfortunate lighting that showed his thinning hair. I began to channel the words of my mother, and sister…and girlfriends…and, well, just about everybody I knew, saying “Stop being so damn picky! You’ll never find a man if you don’t change your way of thinking!” So, I handed him a napkin and told him to scoot over.

We went back to his place, had a few drinks and started a movie. It wasn’t long before Don Juan put the moves on me. I had long forgotten the dinner episode agreeing with the voices in my head that I needed to lighten up.

I jumped on top and as soon as he said these words I almost jumped back off…

“Use me like a shake and bake bag”

HUH?

I’ve heard a lot of lines in my day. Most of them cheesy but this one was Swiss, cheddar and Muenster all rolled into one. I was so glad that he actually repeated it for me to fully understand what a smooth talker he was.

But again, I’d already had our wedding invitations printed and stamped so I wasn’t ready to bail on this guy just yet. He was still salvageable.

Positions reversed and clothes off we let the good times roll. Until I realized one very important and life threatening element.

I couldn’t breathe.

No, I don’t have asthma or any other type of health condition that would make it difficult for me to catch my breath. What I had here was a clear case of bigmanlayingonmychest-idis. Being as this was our first (and LAST) time I didn’t really want to ruin the moment by telling him, oh you know, that I couldn’t BREATHE. I assumed he would eventually want to switch things up a little bit and I would be no worse for the wear. But no, apparently, big boy was about as Catholic as they come and didn’t believe in changing positions.

As the life force was slowly leaving my body I wondered if this was what autoerotic asphyxiation felt like? I found it hard to believe that somebody would intentionally cut off their source of air to reach climax. I for one was definitely NOT going to be getting off. Then as if things couldn’t get any worse, he tried to kiss me. Blocking my sole remaining access to the sweet oxygen I so longingly desired.

I used my remaining energy and with one last final attempt to save my own life I pushed the mother fucker off of me. As I inhaled deeply savoring that I was still alive he lay next to me smiling. His response?

“I wore you out, huh?”

Had I not just suffered a near death experience and was still out of breath my words most certainly would have been strong enough to make Andrew Dice Clay cringe. Being as it was dark in his room he couldn’t see the daggers my eyes were throwing him. He had almost smothered me to death and then thought I was the one that couldn’t keep up!

Being as I’m a drinker, I knew that this relationship would have to plateaus at the friendship level. Just as it’s not wise to get drunk in a hot tub it also wouldn’t be the best decision to drink and screw with this guy either. What if I had been drunk? I could have passed out and he would have kept right on going. Not even knowing that he was screwing a corpse. Nope, that thought wasn’t pretty the first time I had it either.

We stayed in contact but I was so traumatized by that one episode that I made no further attempts at trying to see him. Sure, he tried to make me jealous and often brought up how much fun our bedroom gymnastics had been (for him) and how much he could teach ME (Please, don’t do me any favors). At one point, as if trying to raise his own stock, he told me that he was a member of the mile high club. Not once, but twice. I find this hard to believe being as I have flown many a flight and I have also seen him. Airplane bathrooms couldn’t hold him and another person any more than I can share clothes with Kate Moss.

He eventually moved up north and got himself a girlfriend. He was not shy about sharing their active sex life with me every time I asked how the weather was. He once shared with me that the neighbors probably wished for them to keep their windows closed because of all the noise they made. I can’t help but thinking the lucky woman wasn’t moaning with delight but actually screaming out for help. They’ve since broken up and I wonder if “broke up” is just another way of saying she’s dead.

So, thank you Eharmony. $100 and a crushed lung later, I’m still single and deathly afraid to log onto your site for fear of what else you have awaiting me.

Bitter much?

I received an email the other day from this gentleman (I use the term loosely) and just had to share it. By the end of the very first sentence you’ll know why. You will probably also know why he is still single…

"O.K all for the new year I'm making it a point to not accept anything less than what I desrve,That being said there is no polite way to say no fat chicks so I'll just say it:)I have been on many dates from these sites with women that post great pics and when they show up they are 50 to 100 pounds overwieght which they hide well in pics and write about how they keep in shape???Then think we are to dumb to notice.So please if you are not in shape within reason do not contact me( Sorry attraction is not a choice)It has been almost a year since I've had a sexual encounters ( Mostly by choice)And if it's another year before I find a LADY worth my affections so be it:) I'm not, I repeat NOT looking to just hook up.I do however look forward to the day I finally find a woman that has what it takes to be my girl:)But the longer it goes the more frustrating it becomes when I meet the bad types:(I am swiftly losing interest in this whole on line dating thing.I'm going to give this site till the end of Jan. then close the account:(WOW how hard is it to find ONE great gal???No pressure girls:)

So here is the rest about me:

I read every profile I find interesting before I contact a woman(Not just the pics:)
It is a numbers game I contact a very few and even fewer get back to me yet I don't take it personally this is getting a bit old:(
I'm very affectionate and love a cuddly woman:)VERY hard to find the right one:(
I am seeking a long term relationship:)( But not in a rush to find it
I'm a hopless romantic seeking the same:)
I love to cook and told I do it well:)
I'm very kind hearted looking for the same in a LADY:)
I'm very affectionate(with the right woman)Love to cuddle.OH I mentioned that:)
I enjoy doing sweet things for a LADY I care about:)
I'm seeking a LADY that will do the sweet things too:)
I do not sweat the small things,seeking the same:)PLEASE no more drama queens
I'm a manly man looking for a LADY girly girl:)
I do stand up comedy seeking a #1 fan:) as I will be hers:)

A little about you:

Attractive both inside and out:)
PLEASE no more fat chicks!! I know it pisses some off but it's just rediculous
A hopeless romantic:)
Not into DRAMA:)Can't stress that enough:)
Take care of youself,physically and emotionally:)
PLEASE no more big drinkers( Not for me to hang out with drunks:)
Not a vegitarian,I enjoy meat and won't change that.
A girly girl,Please no more tom boys.
Please you must own as many dresses as you do jeans:)
If you are sexually repressed or have excess baggage,no need to apply:)
Please no more mommies with young kids:( I enjoy life without the screaming kids:)It is amazing what people let thier kids get away with these days:(If you ever see my stand up comedy act you'll see how I've turned all this negative into a great and funny set:)If nothing else I'm getting alot of great material for my act:)

In the interest of finding that one special LADY I put all this here in hopes of weeding out the types that are not for me.I enjoy that feeling you get when you have found a person that just makes your heart beat swiftly when you see each other,I have an affinaty for picinics,and romantic walks on the beach,cooking a great meal for a gal and having her enjoy it along with candle lite:)And just talking for hours and enjoying it:)I'm just looking for a LADY that is worth my affections:)

Are there any more romantic sweet girly girls left in the world??? are you her???Well if you think so you may contact me now...

All others I bid you well in your search and good luck fishing:)

Wow! Just Wow!

Who knew that comedian was actually spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E?

“Funnyguy” emailed me saying he thought I was funny and charming. After reading through his profile I can say without a doubt that the feeling is clearly one sided.

Maybe if right out of the gate he didn’t actually write “no fat chicks” I might have been able to overlook his preoccupation with “girly girls”. I might have even been able to overlook his ridiculous holier than thou attitude about a woman being good enough and “having what it takes” to be his girl.

I’d also like to point something out here. Funnyguy is no George Clooney or Brad Pitt. He’s more like their second cousin, twice removed on the side of the family that still thinks Suburban bench seats are more than acceptable to use as porch furniture.

He does however have this to say…

“If you ever see my stand up comedy act you'll see how I've turned all this negative into a great and funny set:)”

It would have been nice if he could have put some of that so called humor into his profile. Instead, he just came across to me as a bitter, egotistical douchebag with gender role issues afraid of anything larger than a size four. And if I’ve learned one thing about human nature, it’s usually he who doth protest too much that is truly hiding something.

And did he really just write…”I have an affinaty for picinics,and romantic walks on the beach,cooking a great meal for a gal and having her enjoy it along with candle lite:)”? This guy can’t be for real. I would have hoped him being in Stand up and all that he would have been able to list something a little more original that the long walk on the beach bullshit.

And just for the record, I can't think of a single "manly man" (as he puts it) that uses so many damn smily faces!

I wish him luck in finding his robot.

The 10 Minute Man

I just had the shortest date in history. It lasted all of 10 minutes, tops. My gut told me not to bother. My head said, I’ll never find “the one” if I don’t put myself out there.

I must have received half a dozen emails, at least, from the Minute Man before I finally responded. He wasn’t bad looking, he was tall and he had a good career. I suppose it was his ego that got to me. He promised me a good time and said he would “spoil” me. However, even those proclamations weren’t enough to get my attention and keep it. The moment the words “You’ll fall in love with me” and “I’m a catch” came out of his mouth I knew our pseudo relationship was doomed from the start. I immediately had flashbacks from Nigeria 2 and we all know how well that turned out.

In our phone conversation I felt like I was being interrogated. He bragged about his career in film making and living in Hollywood. It was almost as though he were measuring me up to see if I was good enough to justify bringing into his lifestyle. I made no apologies and tried to end the call. I was most certainly even less interested in meeting with him now after speaking with him than before when I had been inundated with his promises that after meeting him things would just get better and better. The whole time I was thinking “If you are so fucking perfect then why are you single and on Match.com?”

He called me a few times after our initial phone conversation and I received a few texts. I was slow in my responses, if I even bothered responding at all. I figured he would just give up.

A little lonely and desperately trying to get somebody else out of my head I finally relented to a meeting. I called him up and thought maybe a second conversation might not be that bad of an idea. What if he actually was a decent guy? I would never know because I might not have been in the best mood the first time we spoke. However, the moment he called me “darling” and “sweetie” I knew that my initial reaction of the Minute Man had been correct. There was just something “off” about him.

BUT…I decided to meet him anyway.

Figuring that dating is just a numbers game I thought maybe spending 30 minutes with this guy would better my chances for the next time I went out with a new man. Who knows? I might actually make a new friend.

We met at Starbucks. Three minutes after I arrived, he pulled up next to me. I jumped out with a smile on my face. He stalled. I hoped it wasn’t because he was disappointed. He got out of his Jeep and gave me a hug. He stood there with a stupid grin on his face staring at me. I wasn’t sure if it was a pity grin or a grin that he wanted to carve me up and serve with Fava Beans and a nice chianti.

He said he was finally glad to meet “somebody so stubborn” as he called me. He asked what I was doing later, where I lived and made small talk about never having been to North Hollywood and how strange it was. Considering he lives on Hollywood Blvd I found the comment retarded and lame.

And that was it.

He said that he had just wanted to come meet me and that he was back off to work.

That. Was. It.

We never even left the parking lot.

He gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and got back into his car.

I wasn’t really disappointed. After being called darling so many times I truly thought he was a 6’5” black guy on the down low. The only thing that ran through my head at that moment after being dissed was…

What a fucking waste of makeup!

I Love To Hate You, Plenty of Fish

Here are some of my latest batch of Plentyoffish.com’s emails. If this is the best of the best then it looks like I’m going to be single for a lonnnng time! If it weren’t so damn tempting to sit in my PJ’s and critique men I would have given up long ago. But I’m a hopeless romantic (translation: Lazy and broke) so I just keep on keepin on.

Hi there, how are you doing? just saw your page and wanted to say "HI"

I am here in LA overnight on a layover. What are you up to today?MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!

Benny

**Benny lives in Missouri. Knowing he’s from out of state and he’s only going to be here for a few hours I basically took this as him wanting a quick romp in the hay. I know I may be presuming too much here but he is after all, a guy. I highly doubt he wants to spend his few hours in LA meeting a stranger and discussing the pros and cons of stem cell research. No, I will not be hooking up with Mr. Layover. Frankly, he was giving himself too much credit thinking I would even consider it. Not with that face only a mother could love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow, after reading everything you wrote, it's no surprise to me at all that you are here on this site loking for men dumb enough to want to put up with you!

**39 years old, never married, no kids, works in IT, has only one picture posted, “A few extra pounds” and has this to say about himself: “I go to the local Bally's fitness place a few times a week to get in shape and lose some weight. I moved out here to North Hollywood about 10 months ago. I do some movie / tv work whenever possible. If you work with or have any interest in movies / tv, that'll be something we have in common.” Great, an overweight wannabe actor with no sense of humor. Just in case he wasn’t already not interested I would have passed on Mr. Double Chin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know if i've ever read a personal ad s painfully funny or brutally honest....WOW!!! i'm torn between applauding and turnng and running as far and as fast as i can. Seriously though, props o you for owning your sh*tand having ovaries big enough to put it out there tht kind of blunt, bare bones sincerity can only come from a true saggitarian.I"d like to invite you to view my profile and see if you might be interested in starting a friendl dialog and see where it goes from there.hope to hear from you soon.

**There is nothing more endearing to me than being told I have big ovaries. Actually, I thought the email was amusing. Unfortunately, I’m not remotely attracted to him and he doesn’t want children. Plus, his profile says that he’s 39 but he has this written at the bottom of his page: “UPDATE: I AM 47 YEARS OLD...THE SYSTEM WONT LET ME CHANGE MY AGE.” Sure bub, I’m supposed to believe that you accidentally entered your age eight years younger than you really are AND that the system won’t allow you to change it. I was born at night but not last night, idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey you... My name is Daniel, I am Puerto Rican and Jamaican, 6' and 180... I like your profile. I thought that was pretty comical. I am surprised you haven't been wifed up by now.

**28 years old, working towards his Masters, has a decent profile with no typos and good grammar…so why does he insist on posting a picture that makes him look like a wannabe gangster? So confused. Profile says educated and literate. Picture says “wut up booooooooiiii” I just can’t get interested in a guy when I can’t tell if he is wants to recite poetry to me or take me on a drive by shooting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey there this is Nick, wow you are extremely hot ;0. i see you live in North Hollywood, same here iam off of Vineland and Oxnard.

and if you are wondering why iam writing you is that I ONLY DATE OLDER WOMEN. so write me back and let me know what you thinkNick xoxo

**I will not be going out with Nick either. I refuse to go out with a man that has his hometown initials (in his case “LA”), R.I.P. or anything in Old English tattooed anywhere on his body. Nick has all three.

Here’s his short but titillating profile:

” WELL Iam 6'3, blonde hair, tan, green eyes, got alot of tattoos... I play on a adult hockey leauge in Torrance. iam 1 of the sales rep managers @ Vivid Entertainment .. i dirtbike atleast once a week... i surf everyday at El Porto and love to just go and relax and watch the sunset at the beach”

**No thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the email from “Loverlover69”. Of course, Mr. 69 says his first date would be this:

“dinner over a glass of wine, then off to the movies,after which we go for a walk on the beach in the moonlight.”

**Something about his Username and walk on the beach crap doesn’t add up. I’m calling bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gorgeous eyes, beautiful hair fantastic smile. You must be a GODDESS!!!

**He would be correct
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI, I normally don't take the time to actually write a email onPOF. But after reading your profile, and then seeing whom wroteit, I so wanted to say hi and see how your night was going? Yourvery attractive. Hope to hear from you soon sweetie. :)
James

**He doesn’t “normally take the time to actually write an email”? Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the whole purpose of finding a date online? You email somebody or they email you and things go from there? Frankly, this guy just isn’t good looking enough and his profile isn’t anything special either (I think he could have done better than 2 sentences about chemistry) for women to be banging down his door with written invitations. Am I supposed to be flattered that Mr. I Don’t Make A First Move decided to break his rule by emailing me? Well, I’m not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also got ANOTHER email from this guy…

“Hi im DeanI live in Granada Hills and work in Glendale for a majorentertainment company as a professional.I am also a veteran.I am open to new things.I hope to hear from you.”

I must have received at least half a dozen emails from this guy since February when I first signed up with PoF and they always sound as though it's his first time contacting me. Looks like I’m going to have to actually respond to him. I’ll just make sure to block him after I’ve sent it. If I’ve learned anything from the past, it’s that any response (even negative ones) can be misconstrued as open invitations to converse. I’m. Just. Not. Interested. And I don’t see that changing…EVER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I chose not to mention all the hideous spelling and bad grammar but rest assured I noticed all of it. I’m not sure what it is about emailing somebody through an online dating site that turns people into insta-tards but one would think if that’s the first impression you are going to be making at least TRY and spell half way decently. Especially if you are claiming to be a writer, a business owner, an EXECUTIVE, etc….and spare me your shortcut emails and ghetto lingo.

Yet Another Shirtless Idiot

First of all, yay me for finally figuring out how to post a picture on this blog. Secondly, I apologize that this was the first picture to post.

Less than 12 hours after posting my Profile Pet Peeves, I received the above picture via text message. Sometimes one really has to wonder about the timing in which things occur. Didn’t I just write “put your fucking shirt back on?”

Let’s cut the crap. Mr. Morning Wood is a fucking moron. I don’t know what is more stupid. The fact that despite not having been out with Wood in almost four years he still deemed it necessary to try and poke my eye out or that he sent this picture to five other women in addition to me. That’s right, he sent this gem wishing us all a “Good Morning, lol” to six ladies. Any guy in his right mind should know better than to give the special six access to each others phone numbers. I guess this picture alone is proof that when a man has a hard on the blood rushes from his brain down to his nether regions.

I’m not going to suddenly claim I’m a prude (you guys know me better than that). I have received such pictures before, sometimes upon request even, but this gratuitous morning wood picture is too much and sort of, well…random, to say the least. Let me give you some background on Mr. Wood.

Match.com was our matchmaker. The first two things I noticed about him were his biceps and his love of reality television (sometimes I just can’t get enough of watching people act retarded on national TV). Upon first meeting in person he appeared to be everything he had claimed to be only with a weaker chin but I could over look that minor detail because he had amazing pecs.

We went out a few times but he was just shy of a two year relationship so I was a tad weary and decided that it might be in my best interest to let this one die down before I found myself too attached. We managed to remain in contact, often by IM or email but nothing more came of this great love connection. He also happened to live about 45 minutes away from me and he didn’t seem to be making that much of an attempt to visit me on my end.

It wasn’t until I found him on Myspace did I get the full picture at how dramatic and needy this guy truly was. What was news to me was the way he proclaimed his love for the new girl in his life. I was slightly surprised and a little disappointed but somewhat taken aback by his declarations of love for the girl with too much eyeliner. I will also make a mention that despite her having a nicer figure than yours truly, I was (and still am) way better looking. Come on ladies, you know there is something cathartic about being better looking than a guys ex or even current girlfriend.

I sent him an email to congratulate him and get the scoop as I was entirely curious as to what I had missed just since the last time we had been in contact. He immediately wrote back saying that I shouldn’t congratulate him just yet as he and his girl “were off and on like a light switch”. I found that to be a rather pessimistic view of things and wondered to myself why he would stay in a relationship where it was clear that things weren’t going to work out. Sure enough, one week later, all signs of her had been erased from his profile and he was listed as single. A week after that? You guessed it. He was in love again. Two weeks after that? Single. It is safe to assume you know where this is going?

He picked up on his text messages to me yet I was none to eager to meet up with him again. Every time I declined he would get pissy saying that I was a typical game playing woman. I’m sure he didn’t consider that he only texted me last minute when I had already made plans. I had also just moved an additional 30 minutes away from him. He was clearly not into driving out to my neck of the woods and I certainly didn’t have any desire to trek an hour and 15 minutes to listen to him bitch and moan about his ex and how she had done him wrong. Mmm, a bitter man that’s too lazy to drive, despite how many times I have driven to him…no thank you.

At one point, he even asked me to leave a comment on his page saying that I was looking forward to meeting him for drinks later. Knowing we had no such plans, I saw his little ploy for exactly what it was. An attempt to make the ex jealous. Now why on heaven’s green earth would I want to get myself involved in that stupid love triangle. I have enough issues of my own.

So, here we are two years later after having found him on Myspace. The ex and he got back together (big surprise) and she moved in with him. They had a son and have now split for good as of about nine months ago. He constantly leaves me (and many other women) cheesy comments on Myspace. I can tell this by the responses he gets back. I guess this is his way at receiving the attention he needs from the opposite sex. I find it a turn off that a man that is 36 years old needs Myspace to fulfill his need for attention.

Oh, and one more thing…even when he was “in love” with Max Factor he never actually took his profile off of Match.com. I’ll also let you know that he hasn’t changed it a bit since I actually met him…5 YEARS AGO! For your reading pleasure I present you with Mr. Morning Wood’s Match.com profile:

“Hello, I'm an honest man and i don't use out-dated pictures to represent myself. The oldest picture is 2 1/2 years old which is my main picture. The last several are mid January 2006 from one of my cruises which incidentally is not usually how I have my hair as it's way too short for my liking. I love cruises and have been on a 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 day cruises all within 3 years from the Bahamas to Mexico to Hawaii.

I try and keep in shape and my body tan working out at least twice a week and my main employment is working in my home office selling full-time I was just recently released from a 2nd job due to facility closure of the postal service and I didn't accept a further assignment.

My dad is from “Some place in Asia” and my mother is from “Hickville” (yes, I changed the locations) I'm not a big fan of "chatting" and am very spontaneous and am looking for the same. Would much prefer to meet for a coffee or a drink to get to know someone. Musically my favorite current artist is: Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty. My all-time favorite artist is: Elvis Presley. I own a condo in "BFE" and drive a Tundra and a Mercedes and I mention this just to show personality and not to brag, some have commented that I shouldn't list what I drive or where I live but I say if I was bragging I would said I live in Malibu and drive a Ferrari, right? If you like to be impulsive and spontaneous, give me a wink and lets hang out. Thanks for your time in reading”

P.S. Contrary to popular belief, I should also let you know that I never even slept with this guy.

Online Dating Profile Pet Peeves

• People that claim to have MBA’s yet can’t figure out basic grammar or how to spell. Case in point, I was emailed by a guy that said he had graduated from Harvard and did undergrad at the University of Texas yet didn’t believe in periods and randomly ended and started paragraphs on a whim. Sure you graduated from Harvard, honey.
• Text speak in an email. Is it really that much more effort to write out “you” as opposed to “u”? Also, correct me if I’m wrong but “kool” or “kewl” is in no way saving you energy over just writing “cool”.
• Under “What type of relationship” listing “Hang Out”. What the fuck is that? When you have the option of using “Friends”, “Dating” or “Intimate Encounter” in case you aren’t interested in “Long Term” why use “Hang Out”? Does that mean you want to bring over a 6-pack of beer and play X-Box? Either way, I’m not interested in “hanging out”.
• Put your fucking shirt back on. Seriously. I for one can fully appreciate a well chiseled gentleman but come on, the cheese factor alone makes me want to gag. Especially if I’ve given you my cell number and you bombard me of pictures of you in the bathroom with a towel around your waist. When I want to see your pecks, I’ll let you know.
• Profiles that rival a Harlequin romance yet when you actually get to emailing or talking with them on the phone the deepest thing that comes out of their mouth is the benefits of using the Jackhammer position in bed. Charming.
• One picture posted…with 2 people in it. Who the fuck are you? I can only hope that the profile belongs to the attractive one and not the one that is playing wingman. Nine times out of 10, the profile belongs to the short wingman that needs to iron his shirt.
• What’s with all the personal trainers? I’m not sure if this is a geographical thing as I do live in North Hollywood but if I want somebody to teach me how to lung and do pull ups I’ll contact one. I’m on a dating website to find a date, not someone I have to pay to hurt me.
• Along the lines of the personal trainers. Why do they all contact ME? At first, I just assumed that since I’m curvy they wanted my business. However, that seems to be far from the case. They all swear to like a woman with a little meat on their bones. WTF?
• Nuvaring commercials. Not in any way related to online dating yet important enough for me to share with you how much I hate their commercials. If I hear that fucking song “Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday…” I’m going to go postal. And btw, I’m perfectly content using condoms or the pill. The idea of shoving something up my cooch, leaving it in for 3 weeks then pulling it back out is in no way an appetizing thought for me.
• Never trust the profile of someone that is smoking hot yet only seems to have one or two pictures. Both headshots or model pics. Sometimes, these pictures may actually be blurry as well. Trust me, if you’re hot you are going to have a gazillion and one self portraits posted. Shit, there are people that shouldn’t even own cameras that have at least three or four pictures of themselves up.
• Please don’t email me in all CAPS. You could have written the theory of relativity and I’m still going to think you are an idiot because you are still YELLING AT ME!
• When people scan and post their driver’s license pictures. Really? In this day and age that was the best you could come up with? REALLY?
• People that are “Separated”. In the eyes of God and the law, you are still technically married. You shouldn’t be looking for a date. Perhaps that’s why you are separated in the first place. Ever consider that?

That’s it for now. I’m easily irritated and highly judgmental so I’m sure this list will grow. As soon as I think of anything more I’ll be sure and let you know.

Tell me…what bothers you???

P.S. On a side note, just as I finished writing this I received an email from a guy named “RoBeRT *SwAg Is On PoINt*” and his email was in all CAPS. Seriously folks, I can’t make this stuff up.

West Side Story

I’m a horrible person and I’m going to hell. No, no, don’t feel sorry for me. This time it’s for real. Why, you ask? Because of Flame Boy (who will now be referred to as West Side Story. If you don’t know why then you aren’t paying enough attention).

Yesterday I received this text message from him:

“So am I waiting to hear from you or are you waiting to hear from me as to seeing each other again? Or are you hoping I’ll forget? *smirk*”

AGAIN, what grown man writes *smirk* in a text message?!? And for the record, I was sort of hoping that he would forget. I’m not any better at giving rejection than I am at receiving it.

I responded that due to my current circumstances and with so much on my mind I had actually just forgotten. Which was totally true.

To make a long story short and to keep this post from turning into a woe is me story I’ll keep it brief. A few nights ago my roommate gave me notice of him moving out in February via text message at 1am. No explanation. Nothing. What pisses me off is that after busting my ass to keep my apartment while unemployed it now looks like my fathers couch is beckoning to me once more. Also, I’ve found that two months is about as long as one can go before Time Warner Cable expects you to pay. Go figure.

W.S.S. apologized for being pushy (aww, low confidence…attractive) and offered to make me dinner at my place (redeeming some points by using food). But why at my place? Well, because he lives with his grandmother. My first thought? What grown man lives with g-ma? Second thought? I’m totally going to hell because he’s helping take care of the old bat and I just made fun of him.

Then he actually sent me a picture of his sausage with a note saying he was trying to entice me and make me smile. And I don’t mean his “saaauuusage” either. He actually sent me a picture of the sausage he was cooking. How endearing yet *lame*. What am I supposed to do with this guy? He’s too fucking adorable to turn down. I responded that despite that being the best “sausage” picture I have yet to receive from any man I was going to have to pass.

His response:

“So long as you don’t have a sausage picture of your own to show ME! That would be disappointing. Might have to question my sexuality! *frightened*”

OH. MY. GOD! Somehow, considering that I’m already questioning his sexuality something tells me he might not be so disappointed if I whipped out a sausage of my own. Also, what’s up with the screenplay text messages? Really?!?

I also received these texts from him:

“I never admitted how brutally attractive you were to me, did I? Wouldn’t want to give away company secrets. Ya know?”

ME: Thanks

“I am willing to admit to a new found weakness for sultry blondes with soft hips, smooth skin and a kiss to go to confession for :-)”

I’m in trouble. He’s so going to fall in love with me. I have to admit though, he is sort of growing on me but in a gay best friend sort of way. He deserves a much nicer lady than what I have to offer. I’m just a chain smoking, vodka drinking, sport fucking blonde with money problems. I would break him like a toothpick and I just don’t have the heart to be mean to such a nice guy.

Ladies…who wants to take him off my hands? Although, explaining how you got his number after reading my blog calling him West Side Story might be a little awkward and the end to our friendship.

P.S. I did meet up with the thug from my Shallow post this past Monday. Totally HOT! And remarkably sweet and respectful too. Although, not so sweet that I want to vomit. Stay tuned for that post…

Gay or just too nice...

Somewhere along the way during my adult dating life, I lost my conscience. I’m not sure where it has gone or why but it has officially left the building. I’ve considered putting out an APB on it but can’t figure out if it would be worth the time. Let me ‘splain…

Last night I had an impromptu date with someone I had chatted with online but never actually met. I believe our initial contact was through AmericanSingles.com about five years ago. Nothing ever came of it and I had long forgotten about Mr. Nice Guy but when he added me on Facebook about a year and a half ago, I was all for it. Great sense of humor, cutish and employed. Perfect. I fully believe that the reason we didn’t meet was because of me. With my self diagnosed A.D.D. I often times will give the online dating thing a rest for several months to regroup so I think he was just an unfortunate consequence of bad timing.

Through Facebook, we reconnected and I was reminded at how funny, amusing and down to earth Mr. Nice Guy was. We didn’t have a constant stream of communication but would chit chat every now and again. This time around it seemed more platonic than romantic. At least on my end. Sure, we flirted here and there but nothing hard core where I got the feeling as though I just had to meet him right then and there.

Until last night.

I was bored and so was he. He commented that he had some Malibu Rum so I gave him directions and told him that I had the perfect place to store such a delicacy. My tummy. An hour and a half later I was buzzing him into my building. Not only did he bring the Rum but he also brought a cooler full of food. He had BBQ’d steak, sautéed vegetables, beans and a baked potato. Considering I would rather starve then boil water his ability to cook and share almost made me want to show him my “O” face before the formal introductions had even been completed.

He was cuter than his pictures which was a pleasant surprise. We had nice conversation while fixing and heating our plates. But there was just something about him that gave me the feeling that I would not be sleeping with him that night. Or any night. He was more soft spoken than I’m used to and almost effeminate without being girly. He was…well, for lack of a better word…sweet. It was also at this time that I came to the stark realization that if a man isn’t carrying a club and trying to drag me by the hair I automatically assume he’s gay. This was the case here. I’m not sure why I equated sweet with gay but for some reason I did. He really just seemed…too nice.

We settled down to eat and he began sharing stories with me about his karaoke adventures and past Halloween costumes (apparently he makes a good looking woman?). He was nothing short of flamboyant and I found myself forcing myself to laugh just so to not hurt his feelings as he did appear to be somewhat nervous around me still. He definitely gets an A for effort. He was cute and adorable with his story telling in only a way that can be described as me wanting to pinch his cheeks and put him in my pocket. Especially when he shared his impression of a Spanish Steve Irwin. He was…well, adorable. GAH!

In case you all haven’t read a single word I’ve ever written, I’m not the “adorable”, “nice” or “sweet” kind of gal. I’m hard, I’m cold and I’m often times a bitch. And that’s on a good day. We kept drinking and I had offered to let him stay the night in case he had too much too drink. Which, by the looks of it was pretty much after I’d opened the first bottle. Pfft, lightweights.

He continued to talk and share. I continued to listen and look interested. As the night wore on I secretly wished I had rescinded my offer but he was clearly making himself at home. The later it got the more obvious it became he had no intention of leaving. By this point, he was warning me that he was going to start flirting with me and that my pictures hadn’t done me justice. He still hadn’t so much as touched my hand so him telling me that he was going to start flirting with me was highly amusing. Especially considering that I wasn’t sure if I was his type or my roommate Mike was.

He went to change and get ready for bed since our fate had been sealed. Five minutes later he came out in a tank out and dolphin shorts. Okay, totally kidding here, he was in regular shorts but just imagine how great my story would have been if he came out dressed as Richard Simmons! Anyway, I’m not sure what he was carrying in his overnight bag but he suddenly had biceps. Nice, beautiful biceps. Apparently, he was talking to me but the moment I saw those beautifully sculpted arms my mind went blank. It took me a minute to actually realize he was talking to me. He laughed and I snapped out of it.

He offered to sleep on the couch but I said he could join me in bed. All thoughts of him being gay had been swept out the window when he put that tank top on. We talked a little more and finally Flame Boy attempted a kiss. Suddenly Flame Boy wasn’t so flaming. I’m not sure what switch turned on but something happened and he suddenly had the confidence and self assurance of a male gigolo. I can honestly say without hesitation that he was the best make out partner I’ve ever had in terms of skill. I complimented him on his abilities for I like to give credit where credit is due. To which he replied…

“Do you remember the end in Revenge of the Nerds where the cheerleader was amazed at the nerd’s ability to make love? He said it was because they’ve had plenty of time to practice. That’s me. I’m a nerd.”

I couldn’t stop laughing. He was being adorable all over again! If it weren’t for the fact that I knew he was 37 I would have sworn I was in bed with a 14 year old virgin. And no, for the record, I did not sleep with him.

The next morning he took off and I was left reeling trying to decipher what had just happened. It hadn’t been an evening of unrequited lust and wandering hands. It had been a simple night of good food, a few cocktails and conversation. It couldn’t have been any milder if I had been alone.

Here’s my problem. He’s a perfectly nice and good looking gentleman. What’s wrong with me that I can’t just like him? On paper he’s perfect. He’s got a great personality and he seems to be a caring and thoughtful person. I know how awful and clichéd this sounds but he really is just too nice. I don’t feel that spark. I want to pet him and give him a water dish, not have mind blowing mattress falling off the box spring sex (which by the way, has happened to me before. I’m not bragging or anything but I am). And despite him turning into Super Stud behind the bedroom doors I just don’t feel that umph!

A few hours later I got a text from him basically telling me what a good time he had and how he looked forward to seeing me again. I have a feeling that without realizing it, I may potentially yet inadvertently hurt him. I’m a hypocrite. All I’ve done is ask for a good man with good intentions. I get one and I accuse him of being gay and nice? Yep, I have some serious issues.

Now, on to Geico.com in search of my caveman. My hair was getting a little too thick anyway…

**Please note that I have no problem with men that are gay. I just choose not to have intimate relationships with them. They never put out...

And THIS is why I'M still single...

Ok, before I continue on with my latest entry I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the wonderful and kind words in regards to my last post. As much as I try to stay out of that “dark place” sometimes I can’t help but be enveloped by it. I’m feeling much better now and as much as I tried not to write about it I do feel a lot better after having done so and after being reminded once again that I am not alone.

That being said, don’t tell anyone I have a soft side. I wouldn’t want it to ruin my streetcred. Now, on to shamelessly making fun of others. I happily present to you this weeks Plentyoffish.com’s emails:

Subject: So I don’t meet all your criteria…

...but I figured I would message you anyway.

I am sure you are getting hit on by tons of creeps and weirdos - that's to be expected. My guess is that you are looking for someone who is nothing more than a boy toy - basically a walking, talking dildo.

OK - well if that's what you want, then good luck.

But if you want someone who has a somewhat more intellectual view of sex - who has studied it and understands in ways that most men never do - then you should message me back and we can talk.

I live in Sherman Oaks - so all you would be risking is maybe an hour for a drink.

Let me know if you are interested.

Cheers,
Elan

**I will not be meeting Elan. Why? The main reason is because he’s “recently separated”. Sorry, but I don’t date men that are married. Secondly, he’s got a baby mama. He SAYS they get along and that there is no drama. I’ll believe that the recession is ending tomorrow before I believe that line of B.S. Thirdly, he’s Canadian. Just kidding! Thirdly, he also says he’s 5’10” which means he’s a good 5’8” (I’m 5’9” so that won’t work) and his beard rivals Santa’s. Next…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hello. name's Eric. read your profile and i thought i would say hi. just curious.... are for real? it just seem you're a little raw... not that it bothers me. just saying

**I won’t be going out with Eric either. Not because of anything that he said but because of his pictures. His smile screams to me “GAY”. I love my gays and my roommate is gay so nobody can accuse me of being a homophobe but in one of his pictures he’s actually trying to deepthroat a sushi roll…need I say more?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you gone let me tear that ass out the frame

**Just in case you guys aren’t sure what I’m thinking, I will not be going out with this guy. A-W) His email??? Hello? X) He lives in South Carolina. Y) He’s 21 years old. Z) He looks like Chance from Real Chance of Love on VH-1.

Just for kicks let me share his profile bio:

“My name is Rashaud but they call me Shaud. I'm real laidback and a real person. I don't lie and I'm humble. I joined this as a joke but if you want to hit me up I will respond.Real recognize real.”

**Uhm, no thank you. NEXT…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

u r BEAUTIFUL!

**u r LAME! He also recently started running and is looking for someone to go to church with. Sorry, but I’m not that girl…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: G

wasup sexy

When I didn’t respond he emailed me a few minutes later:

why are you being mean?

**Aside from the fact that he’s 5’7” his pictures look like he’s a Russian gangster and the medallion he’s sporting on his hairy chest (yep, he included a no shirt pic) would make Michael Phelps jealous. He says he’s looking for “Long Term” but he has literally nothing else filled out. Under Profession he put “N/A”. That’s probably because “Russian Mob” wasn’t under the list of options.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And the most creepy email of them all…

First of all, you are not a mess, as you say, you are just a "Sagg", which means, that;s the nature of the beast. So we are part man, part horse. Simply put, we are horses asses half the time, right?From the very first word of your profile, I understood you. Loud and clear. Scarey isn't it? How many men used that as an opening line to get in your pants and really meant it? Idon't know if you are familiar with the zodiac signs or if you even believe in them. I do not profess to have any great knowledge of them myself but it has interested me enough to crack open a book on the subject from time to time.For instance. It is a scientific fact that the moon has a great impact on our oceans. Their tides, high and low, depending on the phase of the moon at the time. So, if that be true, why wouldn't the other planets in our solar system have some sort of impact on us. It's not designed to fortale our future but more to understand where each of us are coming from.Now, you and I and about 4 gazillion other people share the same birth sign, saggitarius, right. It is considered a fire sign. Now what happens when you build two fires and you put them together? It gets H-O-T, HOT. Passionate, sweaty, blazing hot. In everything we do. And we are able to understand each other more so than any other sign. That too is the nature of the beast.So, I suggest we start a couple of fires and see what kind of blaze we can ignite. How does that sound?

**It wasn’t the email that creeped me out as much as who wrote it. Albeit, the email was a bit strange. The author of this piece of work is 46 year old fellow Sagittarius looking for an “Intimate Encounter” and someone “whose appetite for sex meets or exceeds my own”. And lets just say that time has not been kind to him. He looks like somebody’s bald grandpa. He was also nice enough to include a picture of him in a wife-beater tank top. All that glorious old man skin showing. Awesome. No, I will not be starting “a couple of fires to see what kind of blaze we can ignite”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HI BEAUTIFUL LETS HOOK UP. LOL

**NO

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I even got emailed from a girl…

Subject: Sorry to bother you…

but I was just checking out the competition & your profile is AMAZING!!!!! Clearly the best read I've had in forever. Just wanted to thank you!

**This amused me and truth be told, she’s better looking than 99.9% of the men that email me on here. Too bad I don’t play for that team.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was left out when it said non drinker because i don't drink.. but i also don't pass judgement on those who do....But the fact that you want a virgin with no ex girlfriends... figure if you can have wishful thinking for that i can have wishful thinking that you'll actually reply to this message... only time will tell cause after all the whole looks things (full dark hair.... how about a full dark head)

Here’s his profile:

I'm pretty laid back. I work hard through out the week so when I have free time I like to do things that keep my mind free and a smile on my face. I've only meet one girl from this site and we ended up becoming close friends and thats why I haven't been on here.... But now she has a boyfriend so i figured i'd come back and meet someone else new and interesting.

**This is the guy that is every girls “Best” friend that she never wants to date. I had that feeling by looking at the pictures long before I even had a chance to read his bio. No, I won’t be going out with him either. Next…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Subject: I usually don’t…

sport wood reading profiles, but I guess yours is a somewhat different...

He’s involved in the Entertainment Industry and wrote this in his profile bio:

"Interested in somebody that has the potential to grow in a relationship. I like to have fun, live life to the fullest, I don't get scared easy, and I want to be with somebody who knows how to laugh and avoid the drama or take it on and still laugh at it."

**He listed approximately four profile clichés. For that reason alone I will not go out with him. And he has a cheesy smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

interesting profile.... can i ask you something personal?

hi..... enjoyed your honesty... you live somewhat nearby, i prefer curves, etc.. like what i see and hear/ do you like very well endowed men?

**NEXT!!!