Killing Brain Cells One Profile at a Time

Yesterday, the stars aligned, the skies parted and every dumbass with a pulse came out of the woodworks to accost me with their bullshit.

Red Carvett

“What's up babe?I weill be stright up with you.You are sexy as hell to me.And I mean no disrespect at all babe.Can I taste that little red carvett of yours?”

About me: I like to study the laws of physics and practice Shaolin. My goal is to open a school for women in self-defense. My hobbies are any variety of activies such as swimming and running. I love women and everything about them.How about that one on one - - -.Yes that.

First Date: I would like to meet her and make sure she feels comfortable and let her decide what she would like to do. My goal is to make her stay with me comfortably. And, how the date proceeds is entirely up to chemistry. However, if it were up to me then we would go out to dinner and****ails afterwards to enjoy conversation and get to know each other.

Also I'am not into playing games.I'am a one woman's man.Seeking a woman that is not afraid to be loved by a true man of love the last one cut from the cloth of Love,Trust and Loyalty.

First of all, he wants to taste my “little red carvett”? I seriously have no idea what he is referring to here. I’m assuming he meant to write “corvette” but even so, I’m still hard pressed to find the correlation. I’m a blond. The only thing red about me are the horns I keep neatly tucked under my halo.

He wants to open a school for women in self-defense? Perhaps teach women how to protect themselves from men like, Oh, I don’t know…HIM?

And how about taking time to proofread? My eyes are now bleeding. Oh I get it! That’s what he meant by tasting my “little red carvett.” He wants to lick my tears. Charming.
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The Racist

“Hi. I’d like to take you out.”

Stats: 33 yo, 5’10” tall, never married, Black

About Me:  Lets see...about me. My name is Derek. I am an extroverted type who embraces life and relishes each moment. I am hoping to meet a nice person with which to spend quality time. I am very athletic. I am a powerlifter who hopes to join the strongman circuit early next year. You will find me a cool, compassionate man who is genuinely loved by children (though I have none of my own), and has a depth of perspective that enriches my relationships. I keep my promises if when it comes at severe penalty to me and I regularly choose to be hated for being honest rather than receive love for pretending to be someone else.

I would like to meet someone who is between 28-39 yrs old. I prefer Nordic looking women, i.e., blond with blue eyes. My preference for white women is a culture phenomena for me. I am a native Alabamian. I grew up in a state that deemed a marital union between a black male and a white woman unconstitutional until 2004. So when I finally had the privilege of dating a white woman for the first time found the experience invigorating because it felt "American" to pursue happiness as I saw fit in my personal life.

Notwithstanding the above, I love women of all ethnicities. Asian, Latina, Native American, and bi\multiracial women are certainly desireable to me. In fact, I am only opposed to dating Black/African American women due to foreseeable perpetual personality clashes.

Did you notice that this guy is Black? He’s actually racist against his own race! So glad that he finds dating white women as “American”. Just to prove my patriotism, I’m going to go out and get myself a white woman, too. Then I'm going to have a slice of apple pie.  So there.

Also, men that discuss a “genuine love” when it comes to children creep me out. Maybe I should invite him over, order in and we can watch the “To Catch a Predator” series together.
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SVFRider

“..you sound like FUN! I'm nearby...ever ride on the back of a Harley? (Or ever had a Harley Man ride YOU?)...looking forward to meeting you...or "MEATING" you...HUNG (9") here..exceptionally clean/disease-free..always HARD..insatiable and oral pleaser too.

I can host or travel.

Will

PS- You wont be sorry...I'm an effing "Rock-Star" in Bed!!!”

About Me: Well Educated, Self-Employed and highly sensual "Free Spirit"...Dog Lover here (a Mix of "Cowboy" & "Hippy")...I have a couple of Harley-Davidsons and looking for an open-minded kindred spirit to ride with me....Some laughs, friendship and open to more.

First Date: Seeking a very open-minded and sensual woman that appreciates a very endowed man that is instaiable and a real pleaser..I can usually host at my place in the SFV. I'm open to age, race and body-type....just be like me please..exceptionally clean & disease-free.

This guy’s email is wrong on SO many levels. Who the hell says “I can host or travel” unless they are booking a prostitute? And I may be wrong but is he well endowed and sensual seeking somebody sensual that appreciates someone well endowed? I could be wrong.

Oh, and he’s 53. Yeah, no. I’d sooner hook up with my best friend’s grandfather.
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New2Cali

“Hello,well i am new 2 cali and this site,i love that u r so straight 2 the point.”

About Me: Well i was told by a friend about this site so i thought i would try it out,i am new 2 cali and so far so good,jst trying 2 meet new faces and go from there,i enjoy walks,mma,wrking out,occasionaly reading a book,Dean Koontz 2 b exact.

First Date: I think meeting in person is the best way 2 start so u c if there is any chemistry and how u feel around that person.

Did he set up his online profile with a 12 year old Nokia? Whre did he lern how 2 write & tipe?
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UFC_Guy

“wow is your profile for reals? lol straight up hu? i like that”

About Me: 6 foot 5 hispanic looking for nice people. possibly a good friend. no liars.please. i love music. going out to dance.i love old skool r and b, old skool rap and classic rock.i love a woman who is classy. yet can let her hair down if needed.no drama. i have two daughters who are my world. i am not ur typical weekend dad. i have them over 50%

First Date: nice place to have some drinks, dinner. maybe some dancing. or a little coffee house and just chopping it up...

Motherfucker can’t even type yet he’s looking for “a woman who is classy”. He love’s “old skool r and b and is not ur typical weekend dad." He’s right, he’s probably a lot dumber than most weekend dads. Is it too much to ask him to use the Shift key when starting a sentence? All I can say is that I hope he isn’t home schooling his little bundles of joy.

And he can give UFC_Guy back his Nokia now.
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TimmyT

“add me so we can chat”

No
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Ty

“Nice”

About Me: I have been an athlete most of my life, I love workingout and hiking. I love to run on the beach. When I am relaxing, I like to watch movies, go to a movie and then I like to have a nice dinner with a nice glass of red wine. I am very simple and like simple things in life. If you like simple things and looking for a compassionate friend to hangout with sometimes, I would love to have that opportunity. Have a great day ladies.

First Date: I would introduce my new compassionate friend to a romantic evening at Sushi Rocku in Pasadena. We could start with a nice glass of wine and try different sushi of her likes. The purpose is to have a compassionate conversation to get to know each other and as the night go on, we could see how passionate, we are towards one another. A very simple compassionate and passionate date between two beautiful people of attraction.

Hmph. Compassionate friend, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? In two paragraphs he has mentioned the words compassionate and passionate six times. I think I get the point. He’s looking for somebody to recite bad poetry to and poke in the butt. I know him. I’ve met his kind before.

Oh! Before I forget, let me leave you with this…

He wrote me too. Shocker that he’s still single.

Now if you will kindly excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with battery acid. That stings only slightly less than reading these profiles did. Then I’m going to go join a dating site that requires you have an IQ over 12 to join.

Dude, Stop Calling Me Dude.

There are three things that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed off.

To make the long story short, I was first sent an email from Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac (D.O.U.C.H.E) about nine months ago. I wasn’t interested the first go round after he bombarded me with emails asking if I could handle his charm, good looks and muscular physique. Had he actually been any of those things I surely would have handled him, and then some. However, the 30 year old, 5’10, 135 lb. Sales Rep with a Bachelor’s Degree just wasn’t doing it for me.

His barrage of one liner emails became so incessant that I finally responded by saying simply “Thanks but no thanks”. Of course he wrote back asking why. I’m sure his mind had been blown that I wasn’t swept away by what could only have been created by the Greek God’s themselves when giving life to such a perfect mortal.

If his pictures weren’t anything to write home about, his profile certainly wasn’t helping matters either.

Im looking for a cute and smart woman who I can have a connection with, date, and fall in love with. Chemistry and physical attraction should be there, as well as mutual respect.

I have a good job in sales which I really enjoy. I graduated from UCLA with a b. a. in political science and live in Newport Beach now. I want to buy my own condo soon. I like to work out, and it would be nice if that person keeps fit. Oh, and ladies, when I say Im 5ft 10, it does NOT mean Im really 5ft 7 lol.

I love to laugh so a sense of humor is a must. Intelligence is a turn on, I cannot stress that enough. Head games, selfishness, or flaky behavior is a turn off. I have a sarcastic and playful side, but I balance that by trying to treat people like I want to be treated. Lets meet for a drink and see if we click.

Read: Looking for love, chemistry, the Fountain of Youth and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loves to laugh? No shit. He's fit and wants you to be fit. Sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. No head games, or flakes, yada, yada, yada. Claims to be educated yet can’t seem to get a grasp on simple things like basic punctuation.

Generic pictures, generic profile. Where has this guy been all my life? Sorry I didn’t meet him sooner. We should get together ASAP so that we can knit potholders while watching Jeopardy and spying on our neighbors from rocking chairs. Perhaps for an encore we can discuss AARP benefits, fruit cake recipes and debate the pros and cons of providing condoms to high school students.

As tempting as that all sounds, I eventually found it necessary to block Mr. Douche. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to spend it dodging some prick that can’t take No for an answer. Moving along…

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had the pleasure of being bombarded once again by emails from Mr. D.

Mr. Douche: Still scared of dating cute guys with nice bodies?

Where is this mythical cute guy with a nice body that he constantly speaks of? I thought I had blocked this moron. Looks as though Mr. Persistent went and got himself another profile. Awesome sauce.

Me: Yes, clearly that's it.

Him: Well whats your deal then?

*Silence*

I’ve played this game with him before and I have no desire to play it again. Now he’s just getting creepy. I’ve taken to hiding my pots, pans and rabbits.

Him: Dude dont take this the wrong way but you're not exactly Angelina Jolie and you're so NOT out of my leauge. Why the whole arrogance? Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?

*Silence*

Him: Not out of my leauge dude.

Now I’m ready…

Me: First of all, DUDE, stop calling me dude. Second of all, it’s quite apparent that in addition to not being nearly as attractive and in shape as you claim, you are also not a rocket scientist. To most people, the silence would be a clear indication of disinterest and let it go. You seem to be confusing my lack of interest for arrogance.

However, if I remember correctly, you hit me up a few months back using another profile name in which I did tell you I was not interested. To continue harassing me is a clear sign of your immaturity and ignorance. Also, I’m not sure of which league you are referring to but I highly recommend that the next time you try using such large words, learn to spell them correctly.

For you to actually write “Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?” makes you an idiot. Get over yourself and find somebody else to bother.

And for the record, you are correct about one thing…I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie. I’m blond.

Then I blocked his ass. Again.

Only two things could have come out of this union. He’d either end up wearing me as a suit or I’d end up on Dateline sporting the latest fashion in orange jumpsuits. Either way, I’d lose.


**Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time somebody has mentioned this distinguished “League”. Jack from Brooklyn has also had the pleasure of being the receiver of such unfortunate and misguided spelling. I highly recommend you read his post discussing his participation in what he refers to as the “Age of the Internet”.

Nice to meet you, Butt...

Every so often I read a profile that absolutely deserves to be memorialized by Yours Truly. Butt Pirate had just such a profile.

ONLY IF YOU LOVE BACKDOOR ACTION

Are you a woman who just orgasms super hard when your loved in the booty? Are you afraid to tell anyone or just simply can't find a partner who understands or is private about it?
 Maybe your married or just seeking a good ,(private) time. Whatever it is I would love to feel you by dipping my manhood as deep as possible into your chocolate factory. As deep as I can and as hard as I can until we feel your woman hood has been touched.

(I am not looking to be penetrated whatsoever).

I very much enjoy backdoor lovemaking and seek a woman who enjoys receiving this aquired taste...

My first love introduced me to this pleasure and I have engaged in it and have treasured it ever since. This doesn't make me gay, insane or indecent. I'm not into hurting women or anything. Not every woman enjoys this kind of lovemaking and I understand that, but I seek a woman who does.

I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos (are you too?) Maybe we can explore them together.

Communication is really important to me. I will always be truthful and honest.

I am not interested in game playing whatsoever.

You must be Sane, clean and STD FREE, Just like me.

Ask me anything. I look forward to meeting you.

I just adore how he talks about his love of nature and all things having to do with charity and helping mankind. How he wants a special woman to complete him and make him a better man. How he’s looking for the woman of his dreams and the future mother of his children. How he wants to hold you in his strong arms and make love…Oh wait, that wasn’t him. All this idiot can talk about is dipping his manhood into your chocolate factory.

I want this man nowhere near my womanhood. For once, I’ve found myself somewhat at a loss for words. How am I supposed to react when a man refers to the asshole as a “chocolate factory”?

I probably never would have stumbled upon this gem had he not sent me an overly tantalizing email saying “yummy”. But when I saw the picture of the olive skinned, brown eyed cutie I just had to check things out further.

So.

Glad.

I DID!

I love this man. Why? Because I haven’t laughed this fucking hard since I heard that Screech had a sex tape.

Here’s my take on pooper play. STAY AWAY FROM MY ASS. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want you looking at it, blowing on it, licking it, sticking your finger in and I especially don’t want you sticking your dick in it. Yes, I have done it “the right way”. Yes, I have “eased into it”. And yes, “I have used plenty of lube”. Please don’t insult my sexual knowledge as to insinuate that I haven’t tried something as common as anal sex. If there is a an erogenous zone to be found, I have tried poking it, prodding it, licking it, massaging it and vibrating it. Twice. I simply don’t garner any satisfaction from having that part of my body penetrated.

So, what did I do after reading the Edgar Allan Poe of the bum-bum? I wrote back to him, of course.

While I don’t particularly share your opinion of backdoor lovemaking as a romantic gesture, I must ask you a question. Not to mock nor in jest but out of genuine curiosity. Do you get a lot of replies or responses to your profile?

Within hours, I received this response:

Maybe average 3 a day. Usually 1 fat fat chick. Plenty cute girls that want it night and day. Some women do love anal you just have to find them. The rest can find a man who doesn't I guess.

The next day Willy Wonka closed his account.

Was it something I said? So happy he clarified that “1 fat fat chick”. He should be considered a saint to all fat chicks everywhere.

Now, there are plenty that do enjoy backdoor play and that’s awesome. Go to it. I don’t hold anything personal against the butthole. I don’t hold anything against those that like to play with the butthole. To each his own. Some people enjoy lobster. Some don’t. It’s all strictly a matter of preference. And yes, I just compared buttplay to lobster.

In closing, I must mention how much I love that he writes “I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos”. Was that supposed to be a pun?

Things I have learned from Internet Dating

1. I can, in fact, type quite well while intoxicated.
2. Just because you think jerking off on your webcam to be a romantic gesture, I myself do not.
3. There is no quicker way to kill a man’s premature dirty talk than mentioning your period. Trust me when I tell you I detest your sedgeway from my work day to my favorite sexual position in one sentence flat as much as you hate me talking about bleeding from my loins. So, if you don’t want me talking about granny panties, 18 Hour Bras and Tampax don’t ask me if my nipples were hard while I was working on payroll for 39 fucktards.
4. Just because you have the uncanny talent of being able to Instant Message and Email with 15 different people does not make you a “playa”.
5. Sure, it's entirely plausible that you're just too busy in your life to go out and meet people in person yet still be able to IM for five hours straight every evening.
6. There are 10,001 books and articles about “meeting the one” and maximizing your chances of meeting people online when all it boils down to is common sense and logic. There is no “secret” to online dating success. It’s a numbers game and I don’t consider being honest, posting recent pictures and meeting in public places as “secrets”.
7. Putting words like “Hot”, “Sexy” and “The” will attract perverts and men looking to get their rocks off.
8. If I had starting charging a nickel, no wait, a penny for every time a man decided it was a good idea to send me a picture of his junk Visa and MasterCard would finally get off my back.
9. “I’m looking for a serious relationship” is code for “I’m going to tell you that I love you on the first date and then try to fuck you without a condom”.
10. Everybody loves their jobs…except me.
11. There are two constants when it comes to online dating. 1) Women lie about their weight and 2) Men lie about their height. Add 20 lbs and subtract two inches.
12. No matter how many pictures you have posted the person you are talking to will inevitably ask for more. Even if they only have one or two posted themselves to your nine.
13. Everybody “likes to have fun”, “looks better in person” and “enjoy going out as much as staying in”.
14. Let me guess, you've never done anything like this before...

Shit Head

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REAListic online dating profile responses...(Part 2)

Here are a few more entertaining responses to my online dating profile. I also received a plethora of trouser snake pictures. As if in some way, I might be so impressed as to drop what I was doing in order to ride the bologna pony. Truth be told, I actually consider sending me nothing but a cock pic as just plain unimaginative. At least try putting a hat on it or something...

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You actually wonder why you’re single?

**No, not particularly. You did read my profile, right?**
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this is by far the worst posting i've ever read. Congratulations

**Fuck you very much**
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Hi,
How are you doing? How is your day going? I was wondering if you would mind telling me about yourself. What do you like to do for fun? What do you do for work. I would like to chat with you either on Yahoo or Aim.

**Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I just list several paragraphs about myself, what I like to do for fun and what I do for work? I have both Yahoo and AIM. I also have MSN Messenger but guess what? I won't be chatting with you on any of them**
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Wow!! I'ts so amazing everything you said, I swear, it sounded JUST like me, wow!! thats pretty scary!! I've got everything you want, but I'm not a jock, i'm built like a swimmer, narrow shoulders, trim!! no pot belly or fur on my back!! 6 ft 1 175 lbs brown hr & eyes, very oral, hung 8, i live in van nuys, im sure your going to get a shitload of replies back, so i don't expect you to even read this, or, let alone reply to me, but if you did, I NEED to know something!! Are you a SCORPIO? cause I am!!!!

**So glad he's a Scorpio? As if I give a shit. The picture he sent me was one he took of himself, sitting on the toilet fully clothed. Was that the only place he could take a picture? And who has a mirror directly in front of their toilet anyway?**
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Him: what garbage
Me: Thanks for taking the time to read my garbage.
Him: ur the best... and I live in Studio city too
Me: I just moved to Studio City a few weeks ago. I'm originally from Pasadena
Him: man.. that's far. :)
Me: Yes, I actually had to change zipcodes...life is so rough
Him: send me a sexy bathing suit or lingerie shot

**HUH?**
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What you are looking for will never happen…open your eyes

**Probably not. But a girl can dream, can't she?**
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Here’s some honesty back at you…

Get a good vibrator and a couple issues of Playgirl, because that's as close as you're going to get to what you're looking for. Haven't you ever heard the saying, "beggars can't be choosers"? I know, I know, you'll tell me that you're not a beggar, but your ad says otherwise. I had no problem with your ad -- you even seemed like someone I'd want to have sex with -- until you listed the stringent requirements for the man that you want. WTF...??? Even Paris Hilton would have trouble finding a man that perfect!

I suppose it would be too much to ask to get a photo of you -- I would like one just to see how close you are the mental picture I've formed.

**What a presumptive prick...I totally don't need those issues of Playgirl**
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OK Here is some back!

Your right!...you are a mess...a fucking big mess!!! BUT all the great sex comes with a person like that. So I am expecting some really turn me inside out mess with my head screaming orgasm stuff. if not i would ship you back to the Japanese "love Doll Store" for a refund!. You drink too much! (how's that) I haven't met you but now that that is out of the way, i don't have to say it again, unless you like walking home from Bakersfield after i dump your ass out on the side of the road for puking all over my new purple velour seats and rug in my 1957 VW bug with no air conditioning ( what was that about too hot or too cold???)
As far as your Debt, who cares, I am not spending anything on you unless it gets me more sex with you and even then I will only spend $40 buck on you at the most. Being a narcissistic person who is insecure means i will have to tell you ALL THE TIME how good you look, which will in time, make you want to vomit at the mere mention and have a opposite affect whenever I say it so I WON"T SAY IT!
as far as the ex- If i see him ANYWHERE i will immediately punch him out!! IF i hear you say his name or call me his name during our hour long fuck marathon, I will slap your ass till it is as red as an apple and not give you an orgasm, unless you want to finish yourself off, in which case i will need a video cam to film it for a rainy day.
as far as your lazy ass nature, you need a dose of House cleaning... I find a small taser really helps motivate people when they "feel too lazy to do anything" it's amazing! really, I see full grown women out mowing the lawn and doing the house work, even while I am screaming for another cold shlitz beer from the sofa!
As far as the "look your seeking, honey, I am 5-2 250 with a fully receeding hairline and thick glasses. I have two different colored eyes and was born with a large hump on my back, the only "six pack" your going to see is when you carry in my BEER!!! I like to recite obscure poetry as I am using the bathroom and never sing on key...ever! I am also going to tell you that I have plenty of money..........for me!
What your going to live on I have no idea, you do go Dutch when you eat out right? I am a sex nut but have not met up with a women who can have sex with me five or six times a day...and who give fantastic head...( I know EVERY women says they do, but it is not a carrot or crunchy celery!)

Last, although I am a "born again virgin" I think my 15 years as a professional rock musician will keep me in good standing
SO>>>

SEND ME A PICTURE THERE TOUGH GUY!!!!

**Why do I get the feeling that he was picked on in high school?**
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Your all fucked up

but i like that. i also share drinking as my #1 hobby. also smoke green bud like it makes me smarter. i've got more issues than time magazine and can be found closing down many pasadena dives on a daily basis. if your curious about sinking to new levels send me a note.

**I didn't write him back although I should have. I'm sure that upon entering any bar in Pasadena his name is shouted out by the patrons and staff alike**
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Hey you sound like a catch. Will you marry me? That was a great joke post. Thanks. Although what's really sad is, this type of post isn't far off from the typical ridiculous expectations that some of these fat bitches have on here. Amazing. I saw one recently that said she was "very attractive," 28, intelligent, witty, etc. I met up with her - had to be pushing 40, 35 lbs overweight, broke, had a moustache, looking for some help from a generous man... are you kidding me??

**I'm 35 lbs overweight and who said anything about it being a joke post?**
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"I’m a selfish prick"

That was my original headline but Match.com rejected it and made me revise my page (a total of 7 times). You apparently also can't say blow job in your profile. I loved your page. 90% of these make me roll my eyes. "I love my family, and unicorns, and I believe true love..blah, blah blah" Ugh, gag me with a spoon. Yours was brutally honest. Awesome.You've inspired me to be honest. I'm kind of an asshole. I sleep with more women than is reasonable. I love people-watching but it really should be called people-judging because that's what it is. I think there is a reason monogamy sounds a lot like monotony. I'd like to meet or talk to you but you have to promise me you won't stalk me. I've dated my share of women with issues and the only ones I can't handle are the stalkers. I have gotten a restraining order on an ex who broke into my place and cut up a bunch of my clothes. So if you'll promise you aren't that kind of crazy, hit me up and we'll take it from there. Alex
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ok, now give me the bad news! lol
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Sex or video games...... That's a hard one.
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Ok, that's it. I could go on...and on...and on...and, well, you get the picture. I got some emails that rivaled Penthouse Forum in content but after you've read paragraph after paragraph about finger fucking and shaft licking, I tend to get a little bored.

I'm also amused to find that considering I mentioned sex maybe twice in roughly 6 paragraphs of information that was the one key factor dwelled upon. Next time I'll try posting that I'm a hermaphrodite with a cleft lip and a wooden leg that also enjoys sex. Just to see if I get the same overexuberant responses asking for an easy lay.

REAListic online dating profile responses...(Part 1)

Due to an overwhelming response from all of my blogger fan (yes, singular. Anonymous, you know who you are) I have decided to post some of the more entertaining responses to my REAListic online dating profile. Enjoy!

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Him: ...I never thought honesty could be so refreshing, well here's a little about me:I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays afternoon, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

Me: This was by far the most entertaining response that I've received thus far. Although, I've got to admit, I'm beginning to feel a tad inadequate considering all of your accomplishments. I thought that I had reached the height of my success when i became an expert at underwater basket weaving and a pro at frisbee golf. Apparently, there is still a lot left that I have yet to experience. How does one go about getting into translating ethnic slurs for Cubans or letting off steam by participating in full contact origami? I'd sure like to know...

Him: ...I tell you, those things are diddly-squat compared to getting a reply from a craigslist posting.I think you're partially responsible for last nights earthquake, your actions unsettled the... I'm gonna go out on a limb here... the rotation of the earth! Nobody replies to craigslist personals, period. Well, if we will live another day, I'd love to further immerse you into the intriguing world of the Cuban street slang or if you're adventurous enough, full contact origami.

**This was by far one of my favorites. I actually graced him with a response. I'm pretty sure he must be related to the Dos XX guy**
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Hi Ms Mut,(lol) LOVED your ad....for real...haha. This 55 yr old daddy wants to say hi to you......who knows what could happen. I'm harmless....over the hill......can't get it up......lol.
Ralph

**His email address was rlcr69 and his name was Ralph Lickerson. Let's just say, he did not get a reply**
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I LIKE YOUR ESSAY GREAT - IT IS NOT TRUE WAT THE SAY ABOUT BOOZE FU... U P THE BRAIN I LIKE TO MEET YOU YOU ARE A ORIGINAL...... THANK:S RAINER

**Uh, yeah. This is the type of response that actually kills brain cells while reading it**
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I have read your profile, and I think you are a very intellectual person, I do think that you are a person that actually see life as it is and nothing else, not to mention that your writing skill are way upper than just a high school graduate, not to mention that your profile is well elaborated, I think you have a very high sense of humor and specially I think I want to be your friend. The thing that amazes me about you, is your slavic ethnicity. So tell me how old are you??

**My slavic ethnicity was the most amazing thing? Apparently, Slavics can't write**
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Dear Gas...
I've got the rest,Well, where to begin... I do appreciate your honesty. I have Cathouse tivo'd so no prob there ;) Well I know a little about you, and I am obviously interested, so I thought that I would give you a few insights about me. Well I work a little more that I should, infact still here (about to go grab a drink with my bro) I take my drinking seriously... not really a serious drinker, but when I drink I drink good booze. Tall, dark, and handsome (at least that's what my mum tells me ;) I call when I say I will, and am a bit of a romantic, but I'll try not to be cheesy. Don't have any ex-girlfriend drama, and am not married/nor have I been. Not a virgin, (I think I love sex more than you) but am always down to try new things and learn your likes and dislikes. Never been good at video games so don't really play them. I too am rather multi-ethnic, mum is British, Father is Indian, but born in Africa. Oh yea, and dimensions... 26, 6'0, 190, dark hair dark brown eyes, work out but not obsessed. Well look forward to hearing from you soon.

**Isn't Nigeria in Africa?**
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I'm about 6'1", 210#, brown/brown, reasonably presentable, reasonably well-spoken and I'm considered funny, assuming you enjoy very bad puns. I know the difference between "there" and "their" and "they're" and I'm mostly a virgin. : ) I share your various "bad" habits and hate all videogames. My definite preference is to hang-out when I'm off work.

Write back when you can.

**He was also reasonably ugly. Not to mention sent a picture so bad that he would have to have a flawless personality to get a date. "Mostly" virgin? He's also a liar**
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Well at least you've got 25% good genes; which is more than I can say for most of the bastards I know around here. And you're right, your post does sound damn honest, well written, and worth reading... but I'll bet if you posted a picture of a supermodel and two sentences about being a cheap date; you would have gotten a million responses by now. Anyways, hi I'm Dan there's no way I'm going to go into a lengthy email here describing myself and what I want for the future and all that BS. ' cause, honestly, i dont know or care enough right now; but I've got lotsa stories about drunken mayhem and if you'd like to get loaded sometime and share some of yours or better yet make a new one... let me know
later

**Perfect, I don't care to write you back**
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I am horney yet I will cuddle you & becum a friend I am a nice guy who is fun! Glad to trade pics / phone number IF U R real Just reply
Waiting with a hard on like a rock! I KNOW HOW TO GIVE A GOOD MASSAGE!!
Garth the Good Guy!

**Because everything about this email just screams "Good Guy"!**
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Hey, Your post really caught my attention, esp the part about office manager for a construction company, as I am one for a roofing company located out in Northridge. Company I work for sounds like a coffee company (big hint for you) No dark hair (redhead actually) am 6 ft but no large muscles to brag about here. So I'm curious what construction company you work forand I do happen to fall into all the other categories you wrote about, with the exception of the physicality part. Like you, I take great pride in my high school graduation and being more literate than most of the other postings seen on CL. In fact, more literate than most business owners and people in the construction industry I have come across so far, present company excluded of course. One difference worth nothing however, is that I do love my job and the company I work for. So who are you and what company do you work for?

**Yawn...Btw, nothing turns me on like talking about work. NEXT...**
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I guess that means just a blowjob is out of the question?

**You guessed right**
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This is probably the greatest craigslist ad I've ever seen...I'm a 25 year old asshole, born and raised in LA, working in the music industry...yeah I make money, but you won't get any of it, unless I got an amazing blowjob from you in the am or anal the night before...then maybe ill buy lunch...I'm not gonna cuddle all night, or even call you to see how your day went, but I got that good dick, and I know how to use it...if you're down, get back...

**I actually thought this was funny. Although, from experience I've found that men who "know how to use" their dicks usually don't. And really, how hard is it to use one? No pun intended...ok, pun intended**
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Full head of hair? I want a woman with all natural DD's that defy gravity well into her old age. Oh Please.

**I told you to stop emailing me, Bruce Willis**
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My God woman you are really screwed up. You need to talk to a shrink!!

**Ya think? That's why I started a blog**
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Hi
I am a fit sporty man, 195 lbs 5-11 clean healthy and with a new approach to all this.
Into music meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaways
Singing guitars karaoke 48 self-employed construction, grayish eyeglasses
Love for Friendship and Good Times
Mark

**Did ANYTHING about my ad indicate that I would be remotely interested in a "musical meditation yoga spiritual refuge metaphysics adventure naturism weekend getaway"? And I HATE karaoke**
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Because really if you think a guy is hot, and hethinks you are hot, you'll fuck him - and enjoyfucking as long as he is cool and can handle you in bed

**I also got responses from Rocket Scientists**
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How do you feel about pornography? Serious question..
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cut out the boo hoo, sorry your a mess, wait I mean sorry your human. good luck with your "perfect man" hunt. and if you don't mind wish me luck with my "perfect women" hunt.I don't have a six pack, more of a mini keg, but I don't play video games. we can pretend I am a virgin...
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you sound interesting in disturbing sort of way...
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I literally received hundreds of responses to my ad so it took a while to find ones I considered even remotely interesting. I did not spellcheck or alter these responses in any way. I figured that would take all the fun out of it. There are many more so keep a look out for Part 2...

A REAListic online dating profile

Due to the overwhelming abundance of boring, run of the mill online dating profiles, I decided to write one that actually reflected my feelings. And if you will notice, I not once mentioned the detested phrase "I love to have fun"...

About Me:

First off, I’m a mess. I drink too much. I smoke too much and my favorite TV show is “Cathouse” on HBO. I’m not particularly fond of babies that cry, even if they are related to me (although my sister swears I’ll be more tolerant once I have one of my own). I’m in debt up to my ears and can’t seem to hang on to a dollar to save my life. If it’s in my wallet, I can guarantee you that it won’t be there long.

I’m narcissistic and insecure. I love the outdoors but not if it’s too hot or too cold. I don’t care to be out of my comfort zone and don’t like to be inconvenienced. I’m very selfish and will often think of myself first. Unless I really, REALLY like you. I love my family but don’t really want to see them. I’m still slightly hung up on an ex and I’m highly oversexed. I bore easily and don’t care for rejection. Much like “The Godfather” I’ll only ask once.

I’m lazy and once I’m off of work I don’t really want to do much of anything. Education is not that important to me and I don’t consider ones education to be a deal breaker. To say that I have issues is an understatement. However, I do have this to offer. I am fantastic in bed and I’ll make you laugh as I don’t take things too seriously.

What I'm Look For:

I want a man with a full head of thick, dark hair. Cut short. 6’ plus. Olive skin. Big biceps, tight ass and six pack abs. I also love me some chocolate. In such case, hair is optional as long as you have amazing traps. Somebody sarcastic with a slightly romantic side. But not so romantic that he sings to me or recites poetry because that will make me laugh instead of swoon. He doesn’t have to love his job just as long as he has a lot of money to spend on me and support my knitting habit.

If he’s sober and doesn’t drink we won’t match. If a non drinker says he doesn’t mind you drinking he’s lying. The drunker you get the more judgemental he will get. You call when you say you’ll call. Oh yeah, and you love to give massages but don’t like to get them because I hate to give them.

I want a man with no ex girlfriends/wives or children. Preferably a virgin so that I can mold him to my specific likes and dislikes. A man that hates videogames would be ideal because I like sex too much. One more thing, IF after I have just posted 987 photos on Match (Plenty of Fish, Yahoo, Etc.) and we get to talking and/or emailing PLEASE don't ask me if I have any more pictures. Especially, if you have none or one posted yourself. If you do ask me this then you are a retard and good luck getting to first base.

My Ethnicity:

To put it simply, I’m a mut. I’m a quarter Slavic and the rest is a mix of English, French and some other western European countries.

For Fun:

I love to watch people and make fun of them. I adore knitting but only knit scarves because I don’t have the patience to learn how to follow a pattern. Scarves are pretty basic and straight forward. I feel at home in craft stores and have bought so much crap that I could and should actually open up one of my own. I also love to paint, draw and write. I love to talk about myself and watch documentarys on MSNBC.

Favorite Hot Spots:

I love the beach but only if it doesn’t have any sand. I love to party with friends but prefer smaller settings. I don’t particularly feel the need to be stuffed like a sardine in the highly pretentious Hollywood club scene. If I can’t make my way through the crowd to the bar than what good is it to be there? I also don’t consider standing for 5 hours in heels to be much fun either. No seat, no go.

Favorite Things:

Money, yarn, wax, sex, TV, music, bath and body products and eyecream. Not particularly in that order.

My Religion:

I’m not particularly religious. I’ve never been baptized and if I’m going to hell because of it then I’m sure I won’t be going alone. Although, if there is a God and I get rejected at the pearly gates I’m sure going to be upset with my folks for not taking care of that when I was a baby because I don’t particularly care for extreme heat.

My Education:

I graduated high school, what more do you want? I went to college for a few days. Wasn’t my cup of tea. Does that make you love me any less? At least I know the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re”. That’s more than I can say for many of the profiles written by people claiming to have “their” Bachelors degrees. If you actually consider “kewl” as an abbreviation for “cool” than we shouldn’t be dating also.

Last Read:
My profile because after reading hundreds of others I’ve come to realize that mine is the only one worth reading. At least mine is honest.
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And YES, I did actually post this on all the above mentioned dating websites. The responses were far more interesting than you'd imagine...