How Quizno's is a metaphor for my life...

I went for a nice walk at Griffith Park this evening with a blind date. I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air since I have been so miserable lately. After our walk, my date and I decided to grab some coffee at Starbucks. We hit up the local strip mall and right next to the Starbucks was a Quizno’s. That was when I made my mind up. As much as I hated to actually spend money on going out I figured that the $10 I had left in my wallet wasn’t going to help me out of my current predicament anyway. So, fuck it. I decided to treat my constantly upset, stressed out stomach to a meatball sub and some soup. Mmmm, broccoli cheddar soup. Quite possibly the best soup in the world. Almost better than sex soup. Wait, depending on the guy…BETTER than sex soup. I was gonna have me some balls and soup.

I couldn’t tell my date about my decision because I had already told him I had no cash on me for coffee so he would pay. A little white lie, but not that far from the truth. I had, after all, driven out to see him down in Hollywood. And I hate driving into Hollywood. After coffee, my date left to go to Ralph’s since he needed to pick up some stuff and I made my stealth get away. That probably wouldn’t have looked too good had he seen me buying food right after lying about my lack of funds.

Excited about my dinner I snuck my way into the sandwich shop with the stealth of a black panther. Being careful not to catch the attention of my departing walking mate. Once inside I made my way to the counter. I needed to make this food purchase fast.

“Hi. Can I get a meatball sub?”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have meatballs right now”.

Hmmm, ok….? That was the first sign I should have made a B line for the door but I was there and they still had my better than sex soup. Something else would have to suffice.

“I notice you are still offering a large sub for $5. Does that include any large sub?”

“No, just these on the Value Menu.”

Ok….? Hmm, which one of the five subs listed should I opt for? So many choices, what should I do? Of course, as if to mock me, my beloved meatball sub was among the five staring back at me. So really, I only had my choice of four. I wasn’t feeling ham and cheese and I didn’t want the turkey. The chicken wasn’t screaming out at me either so I decided to go big and check out the rest of the menu. How much more than $5 could a sandwich cost anyway? I opted for the Black Angus Steak Sandwich.

As he was making my sandwich, I told him that I would also like a cup of the broccoli cheddar soup.

“We aren’t selling any soups right now.”

WHAT? WHAT? No meatballs AND no soup? The only two things in that entire stupid place I wanted were NOT being sold THAT day. Dumbass behind the counter just looked at me as I’m sure my disappointment was quite obvious.

“I don’t know why. We just don’t have it right now.”

So, that answered that. I was stuck. Suddenly, Chinese was sounding really good to me but my sandwich was already rolling through the toaster. Ugh!

Crestfallen, head hung in defeat, I walked to the checkout counter. That’s when I saw the sign by the register that read “We do not have any meatballs or soups available today”. In all my excitement I had raced straight to the sandwich making counter. Completely unaware of the disappointment that lay ahead.

“Is there anything else I can get you?” dumbass asked.

Yeah, how about some fucking soup!?! “No thank you”.

“That will be $8.18.”

Not only did I have to pay three dollars more for a sandwich that I didn’t even want but I wasn’t even getting a side or drink. What the hell do they make these sandwiches out of to dignify charging so fucking much? Do they lace them with blow, pot, E? I know the bread is good but unless it is made with Cristal and yeast these people are committing highway robbery. In addition, I had to use my last “saving for laundry” quarter due to the .18 cents. Damn them. Damn them all to hell.

And just in case you were wondering, the Black Angus Steak Sandwich sucks.