Dear Karma...

Dear Karma,

I’d like to have a one on one conversation with you. I’ll buy you a drink, cut you a line, drop you a pill, whatever it is you need. I’ll do anything to get your attention.

I realize that you have your hands full kicking my ass around and ruining my life but I’d like to explain a few things to you and perhaps, just perhaps, sway you back to my side of the fence. And to show you that I’m serious, I’m willing to give you a few people that you can focus your energies on instead.

The Ex boyfriend. I knew him for approximately six years before we actually started dating seriously. He was a Taurus, I’m a Sagittarius. I should have taken that as a hint we wouldn’t make it in the long run. We dated for two solid years until he broke up with me over the phone. I didn’t even get a post-it. We connected a year later but after telling me he was still in love with me, he eloped with another girl because she was of the same ethnicity. People think being white is a free ticket to the world. Screw that. However, he still wants to be “friends” because he cares so deeply for me. In fact, he often tries allowing me to show my deep gratitude for his care by ripping up my knees and giving me lockjaw.

The Ex-boss. This douchebag had his sister shitcan me out of the blue saying “business was slow”. Come to find out he had hired an ex girlfriend to work my position less than a week after my “dismissal”. I should have seen that one coming too considering he had asked me out at least twice before and I had told him no on both occasions. He then called me a month later to see if I would be interested in picking up some hours while his sister was on vacation for a month. I resisted the urge to tell him to fuck off but instead just said I was unavailable. Unfortunately, a few days later I did become available and sent him a nice email letting him know my circumstances had changed. He never bothered replying and I later heard through the grapevine that he had hired the employee before me (whom he’d been trying to get rid of for almost a year) to cover for his sister. And I must not forget that he actually offered to pay me to loose weight! Heaven forbid he take his own advice and go for a walk once in a while.

Nigeria. If I get one more scam response to a serious job inquiry I’m applying for I will promptly sell my overpriced, undervalued car, fly to Nigeria and kick some ass. No, I’m not interested in taking your $4000, keeping $400 of it and Western Unioning you the difference. Only to find the account you sent me the money from in the first place belonged to some poor schmuck that was too dense to realize that if it’s too good to be true…IT IS! And NO, I will not give you $14,000 so you can give me $2.5 million. I've got an idea. Why don't you just deduct the $14 g's and give me the balance. Sound good? Good.

HSBC Auto Financial. I’m just mad at them for actually expecting me to pay for my car. I really have no legitimate gripe against them except that I’m paying double what the car is really worth.

Spencer Pratt. What a fucking dickhead. If I actually need to explain anything about this egotistical, bible thumping, disrespectful douchebag than perhaps, Karma, we REALLY need to talk because you are severely confused.

See Karma, I’ve done most of your homework for you. Now, could you please get off my back for a minute? I can barely take a shit because you are riding so far up my ass. But alas, I’ve got to run. I need to write a letter to God apologizing for getting his son killed. We have to work a few things out also.

Sincerely,
Your Bitch (Formally known as Judas)