Killing Brain Cells One Profile at a Time

Yesterday, the stars aligned, the skies parted and every dumbass with a pulse came out of the woodworks to accost me with their bullshit.

Red Carvett

“What's up babe?I weill be stright up with you.You are sexy as hell to me.And I mean no disrespect at all babe.Can I taste that little red carvett of yours?”

About me: I like to study the laws of physics and practice Shaolin. My goal is to open a school for women in self-defense. My hobbies are any variety of activies such as swimming and running. I love women and everything about them.How about that one on one - - -.Yes that.

First Date: I would like to meet her and make sure she feels comfortable and let her decide what she would like to do. My goal is to make her stay with me comfortably. And, how the date proceeds is entirely up to chemistry. However, if it were up to me then we would go out to dinner and****ails afterwards to enjoy conversation and get to know each other.

Also I'am not into playing games.I'am a one woman's man.Seeking a woman that is not afraid to be loved by a true man of love the last one cut from the cloth of Love,Trust and Loyalty.

First of all, he wants to taste my “little red carvett”? I seriously have no idea what he is referring to here. I’m assuming he meant to write “corvette” but even so, I’m still hard pressed to find the correlation. I’m a blond. The only thing red about me are the horns I keep neatly tucked under my halo.

He wants to open a school for women in self-defense? Perhaps teach women how to protect themselves from men like, Oh, I don’t know…HIM?

And how about taking time to proofread? My eyes are now bleeding. Oh I get it! That’s what he meant by tasting my “little red carvett.” He wants to lick my tears. Charming.
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The Racist

“Hi. I’d like to take you out.”

Stats: 33 yo, 5’10” tall, never married, Black

About Me:  Lets see...about me. My name is Derek. I am an extroverted type who embraces life and relishes each moment. I am hoping to meet a nice person with which to spend quality time. I am very athletic. I am a powerlifter who hopes to join the strongman circuit early next year. You will find me a cool, compassionate man who is genuinely loved by children (though I have none of my own), and has a depth of perspective that enriches my relationships. I keep my promises if when it comes at severe penalty to me and I regularly choose to be hated for being honest rather than receive love for pretending to be someone else.

I would like to meet someone who is between 28-39 yrs old. I prefer Nordic looking women, i.e., blond with blue eyes. My preference for white women is a culture phenomena for me. I am a native Alabamian. I grew up in a state that deemed a marital union between a black male and a white woman unconstitutional until 2004. So when I finally had the privilege of dating a white woman for the first time found the experience invigorating because it felt "American" to pursue happiness as I saw fit in my personal life.

Notwithstanding the above, I love women of all ethnicities. Asian, Latina, Native American, and bi\multiracial women are certainly desireable to me. In fact, I am only opposed to dating Black/African American women due to foreseeable perpetual personality clashes.

Did you notice that this guy is Black? He’s actually racist against his own race! So glad that he finds dating white women as “American”. Just to prove my patriotism, I’m going to go out and get myself a white woman, too. Then I'm going to have a slice of apple pie.  So there.

Also, men that discuss a “genuine love” when it comes to children creep me out. Maybe I should invite him over, order in and we can watch the “To Catch a Predator” series together.
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SVFRider

“..you sound like FUN! I'm nearby...ever ride on the back of a Harley? (Or ever had a Harley Man ride YOU?)...looking forward to meeting you...or "MEATING" you...HUNG (9") here..exceptionally clean/disease-free..always HARD..insatiable and oral pleaser too.

I can host or travel.

Will

PS- You wont be sorry...I'm an effing "Rock-Star" in Bed!!!”

About Me: Well Educated, Self-Employed and highly sensual "Free Spirit"...Dog Lover here (a Mix of "Cowboy" & "Hippy")...I have a couple of Harley-Davidsons and looking for an open-minded kindred spirit to ride with me....Some laughs, friendship and open to more.

First Date: Seeking a very open-minded and sensual woman that appreciates a very endowed man that is instaiable and a real pleaser..I can usually host at my place in the SFV. I'm open to age, race and body-type....just be like me please..exceptionally clean & disease-free.

This guy’s email is wrong on SO many levels. Who the hell says “I can host or travel” unless they are booking a prostitute? And I may be wrong but is he well endowed and sensual seeking somebody sensual that appreciates someone well endowed? I could be wrong.

Oh, and he’s 53. Yeah, no. I’d sooner hook up with my best friend’s grandfather.
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New2Cali

“Hello,well i am new 2 cali and this site,i love that u r so straight 2 the point.”

About Me: Well i was told by a friend about this site so i thought i would try it out,i am new 2 cali and so far so good,jst trying 2 meet new faces and go from there,i enjoy walks,mma,wrking out,occasionaly reading a book,Dean Koontz 2 b exact.

First Date: I think meeting in person is the best way 2 start so u c if there is any chemistry and how u feel around that person.

Did he set up his online profile with a 12 year old Nokia? Whre did he lern how 2 write & tipe?
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UFC_Guy

“wow is your profile for reals? lol straight up hu? i like that”

About Me: 6 foot 5 hispanic looking for nice people. possibly a good friend. no liars.please. i love music. going out to dance.i love old skool r and b, old skool rap and classic rock.i love a woman who is classy. yet can let her hair down if needed.no drama. i have two daughters who are my world. i am not ur typical weekend dad. i have them over 50%

First Date: nice place to have some drinks, dinner. maybe some dancing. or a little coffee house and just chopping it up...

Motherfucker can’t even type yet he’s looking for “a woman who is classy”. He love’s “old skool r and b and is not ur typical weekend dad." He’s right, he’s probably a lot dumber than most weekend dads. Is it too much to ask him to use the Shift key when starting a sentence? All I can say is that I hope he isn’t home schooling his little bundles of joy.

And he can give UFC_Guy back his Nokia now.
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TimmyT

“add me so we can chat”

No
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Ty

“Nice”

About Me: I have been an athlete most of my life, I love workingout and hiking. I love to run on the beach. When I am relaxing, I like to watch movies, go to a movie and then I like to have a nice dinner with a nice glass of red wine. I am very simple and like simple things in life. If you like simple things and looking for a compassionate friend to hangout with sometimes, I would love to have that opportunity. Have a great day ladies.

First Date: I would introduce my new compassionate friend to a romantic evening at Sushi Rocku in Pasadena. We could start with a nice glass of wine and try different sushi of her likes. The purpose is to have a compassionate conversation to get to know each other and as the night go on, we could see how passionate, we are towards one another. A very simple compassionate and passionate date between two beautiful people of attraction.

Hmph. Compassionate friend, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? In two paragraphs he has mentioned the words compassionate and passionate six times. I think I get the point. He’s looking for somebody to recite bad poetry to and poke in the butt. I know him. I’ve met his kind before.

Oh! Before I forget, let me leave you with this…

He wrote me too. Shocker that he’s still single.

Now if you will kindly excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with battery acid. That stings only slightly less than reading these profiles did. Then I’m going to go join a dating site that requires you have an IQ over 12 to join.

10 Seconds I'll Never Get Back

I’ve always had a hard on for men in uniform. Always. I consider them to be among the world’s super heroes. Just imagine Spiderman or Superman. In real life they are geeky and insecure. They are, in essence, normal. Once they don their tights and capes they become irresistible. I fully recognize it for what it is, though. It’s a power thing. Confidence is sexy and if you can wear spandex and still be confident, I want to have sex with you.

Minute Man just happened to be a man in uniform and thanks to Match.com he now had my undivided attention. Tall, Hispanic and relatively good looking he worked as a high school narc and images of 21 Jump Street flashed through my perverted mind. I’m not sure if he actually carried a gun but he did carry mace and that was good enough for me. He was shooting for the Police Academy and had already begun the long and tedious process. Thoughts of doing the nasty in the backseat of a squad car again had me bound and determined to make this man love me.

Not letting the hour and a half distance keep me from my soul mate we decided to meet up for dinner at a restaurant half way. I liked what I saw when I first arrived. He was everything he had claimed to be. And then some. He was tall, Hispanic, good looking but had the largest nose I had ever seen. Think Barbara Streisand’s nose on Enrique Iglesias’s face. Oddly charming.

Conversation flowed, cocktails were imbibed and it didn’t bother me in the slightest that he was 32, lived at home with his parents and had already been married and divorced twice. At least I knew that Ross was not afraid of commitment.

By our third date I was ready for the horizontal mambo. Every time the subject had been broached Ross was never at a loss for words. Provocative and not the least bit shy. According to him, he "knew his way around a bedroom" and had “never received any complaints.”

I'm always weary of a man that brags about his bedroom skills. My experience has lead me to believe that the more one brags the more one disappoints. I wasn’t expecting this to go as well as he had assumed. In my mind having “never received any complaints” equated to never having received any praise either.

(Men, just a word of advice. If you ever want to know how you really did between the sheets ask your girlfriend’s girlfriends. What she tells you and what she tells them may be very different stories indeed.)

Despite knowing this and being the eternal optimist, I asked him if he would like to buy some alcohol and go to our room. Knowing we didn’t have a room the implication was clear. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone yell “Check Please!” so fast.

At the Ritz Carlton (AKA, Best Western) down the road from the restaurant, we settled in for what I had hoped was going to be filled with declarations of love and unlimited orgasms. Covered in sweat, bruises and aching from sore muscles only to be concluded with hours of shower sex and neighbors knocking on the walls.

Instead, this is what I got…

Pump, pump, stop. Pump, pump, stop. Pump, pump, Uhhhhh!

*Snore*

The amount of time it took you to read the above line is the exact amount of time it lasted. I should have trusted my gut. It took longer to make the cocktail I wasn’t allowed to finish before being interrupted with empty promises of ecstasy and sexual gratification. 10 Second Man now carries the distinguished title of being the quickest lay in the history of my vagina.

Unfortunately, things went downhill fast after that. We stayed in touch but never went out again. As luck would have it and unbeknownst to me, a girlfriend of mine started corresponding with him (also through Match.com). Only by coincidence when 10SM was sending out a mass change of address email and she spotted me on the recipient list did she even find out that he and I knew each other. She immediately called for the scoop as their first date was just a few days away. I told her the truth. That he was nice, funny and the worst lay this side of the Mississippi. Despite 10SM regaling her with tales of his sexual prowess and experience I was able to set the record straight.

Yes, I cock blocked him. I freely admit that. According to girl code, it is our unequivocal duty to spare our girlfriends from bad dudes, bad sex and bad shoes. I didn’t tell her not to go out with 10SM, I simply warned her that he may need a cockring and some schooling in what it really means to “know your way around a bedroom.”

In other news, HBG texted me an unsolicited picture of his junk the other day. I’m not exactly sure what he has in mind or what I’m supposed to do with a picture of the one penis that got away. I’m no longer attracted or amused and more than a little creeped out now. HBG will now be simply known as Dumb Ass.

Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Like most women people, I don’t like being told what to do. I’m a cut off the nose to spite my face kind of gal. Tell me to “have a nice day” and I’m likely to have a shitty one just to spite you. I’m gangsta like that.

My mother has learned this the hard way. She has had her hands full with me more than once. She actually knows better than to tell me to find a nice man and settle down for fear I’ll bring home the Oakland Raiders for Christmas dinner and an invite to accompany me to the Maury Povich Show for a “secret”. My mother has developed whiplash from shaking her head whenever I mention my “future ex husbands”.

Along those lines, here are a few things that men like to tell me when making contact that make me want to kick them in the gonads.

Please don’t tell me…

1. …how funny you are. You’re a part time comedian? Well that must mean you are really good then. Only doing it part time and all. Who wants to be funny 40 hours a week when you can just do it for 20? Working smarter and not harder, are you? Fantastic. You guarantee you will make me laugh? Yeah? When? Or does that start tomorrow because guess what? Your profile was boring, your picture with the cross-dresser was too obvious and the “Yo momma” jokes are only funny a) if I know you and b) if you’re momma really is that fat.

2. …my mother would love you. Newsflash, my mother doesn’t like ANY of the men I bring home. It’s a fact. And it’s actually taken me 15 years to figure out why. Because they were all assholes. Of course, the next time I bring home a gent and ask my mother what she thinks of him, I’ll still insist she just “doesn’t know him like I do” when she replies with “uhm, he seems nice” and walks away. Knowing this, the odds of you being one she actually likes are not in your favor. Can’t argue with statistics, darling.

3. …you treat your woman like a queen. Ever see that sports commercial with the guy whose spine was removed by his girlfriend and goes around smelling lavender candles? That’s you. Pussy whipped following your woman around like a puppy dog for fear she will let another dog piss on her. Or, you’re just full of shit.

4. …you are looking for somebody that is fit or likes to stay in shape. My profile clearly states “a few extra pounds”. Do I look like somebody that goes to the gym for fun? The only thing that gets me to the gym is if I know there are going to be good looking men there. Your farmer’s tanned, underweight physique is not exactly what I would consider a desirable body type either.

5. …you love your job. Unless you are Oprah, I don’t buy it.

6. …you’ll send me a picture if I will just send you my email address. Yeah, no. All I know about you is that you are “looking for your partner in crime”. Without a picture or any real defining personal information in your profile I can only deduce two things about you. First, you are really, really boring and unoriginal or second, you probably do, in fact, have a criminal record. Either way, I’m not interested.

7. …you love a girl with a big ass. I don’t think I even need to explain this one.

8. …hOw MuCH fUn U R. I’m sure you are. If I WaS 12 yEaRs oLd.

9. …you are looking for a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets. The only thing I find more irritating than online dating clichés are song lyrics. Unless you actually wrote the song lyrics, please don’t include them in your profile to describe what you want in a woman. Strike that. Don’t EVER put song lyrics in your profile.

With that said, I have a date later this week with a guy that finds a big ass sexy, says my mother will love him, claims to have a killer sense of humor and enjoys his job. This is going to be super.

Mr. Perfect

This is going to be a long post. Only because Mr. Perfect is a long winded asshole that can’t seem to stop talking about himself. Initially, I was only going to quote the interesting lines in his profile but after having read through it a few times I decided to post it as is. I implore you to take the time to read through it in its entirety.

His email to me:

Hey,
 I'm normally in N.Holly; an educated, athletic white male dark hair/eyes broad shouldered few tasteful tats residing in the Tarzana/Woodland Hills area. I have a stable career, work in law enforcement, maintain a business and I've returned to school to receive my 2nd Degree. I have a wide variety of interests listed here on my profile, and would love to chat if you feel we'd click as I do.

*Yawn*

His Profile:

UPDATED: To those of you saying that's a cute dog posing with you; thank you for the compliment he was actually my partner who had passed away June 27th, 2008! I thank you for the best-wishes to those of you who have told me already. NOTE: The other photos I've posted are the only one's I have of myself mostly with friends or former clients! I've been called a "Good Samaritan" the one whose stopped at accident scenes; to direct traffic, call 911 or assist anyway I can. I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm "Me" A Chivalrous (having been raised by 4 ladies and grandpa), Poetic, Athletic, Educated, Sarcastic, Compassionate, Articulate, Faithful white male who has an Extremely Open-mind, has previously worked in the Hospitality Industry, Taught, Trained, Educated, Mentored, Apprehended and Protected. I went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable" I'm tall, standing just under six feet weighing approx. two hundred thirteen fit lbs with broad shoulders, dark hair and hazel-brown eyes. I have a muscular/fit build, big arms/calves "not a meat-head though" and several tasteful pieces of ink/holes where piercings use to lay! I've led a great career; (to which I utilize my law enforcement background to), Maintain a business in the Entertainment Industry, Promote a Women's Wrestling Division, Volunteer at a Private Animal Rescue, act as a Respite Giver for an Autistic Boy and I've returned to school to complete my 2nd Degree {where I'll be hopefully working in the medical field as a Dr. (DVM) by 2013}. ATTIRE: I'm pretty much a T-shirts/collard polo & shorts type of a guy, (wearing my sunglasses as much as I can/those damn sun's rays lol!), yet I can dress the part; and told pretty dapper in a suit & tie when the occasion calls for it!

 ABOUT YOURSELF: local, fun, attractive, faithful, open minded and believes in the idea of *COMPROMISING* A lady who enjoys spending time w/me as much as I enjoy spending with them. Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living. I consider Tattoos and Piercings sexy (yet it's not a requirment, just a like). A girl in shorts/jeans and a t-shirts, someone who can dress "girly" in a dress/skirt/gown for an appropriate function works as well. Perhaps, you're a lady who is open to grabbing her bikini and being spontaneous enough to head off to the beach, daisy dukes and "Brains" are sexy as well. Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :) INTERESTS: I have a wide variety of interests and an eclectic taste in music. I enjoy walking along the Venice Boardwalk, Annual 80's Rock concerts, the County Fair, Knott's Scary Farm's Annual Halloween Haunt, Hiking, Shooting, Karaoke, Museums (big into the Baroque & Goth Eras thanks to Art History), Indy Wrestling, the Theater and I'm open to Shooting pool. A couple times a month I can be found traveling up north or down south for the day for work purposes; where there's always an extra seat for a navigator (wink wink).

 So, I ask you this; if you'd like to meet a Chivalrous, attractive, respectful, open minded happy guy feel free to take a glance @ my profile and see what similar interests we share and let's get to know one another. Many have asked for more then 1 photo, so I've placed several photos for you to scroll through. Just remember, I'm not too photogenic. Give me the opportunity to prove that to you.
 -----///\\-----
----///-\\\----Put This
---|||---|||---On Your
---|||---|||---account If
---|||---|||---You Know
----\\\-///----Someone
-----\\///-----Who Died
------///\-----Of
----///\\\----Cancer

Cheese and rice, where do I begin? Is there anything this Chuck Norris wannabe doesn’t do?

1. His definition of “Muscular/Fit” and “Broad shouldered” differ immensely from mine. By the looks of his beer belly pictures, nobody is going to accuse this guy of being a “meat head”. Not that I mind if he’s packing a few extra lbs but don’t claim to be in shape when you clearly are not. I myself am no swimsuit model but I also don’t claim to be in my profile while showing you a picture of a Chippendale’s stripper grabbing my size 16 ass.

2. He has such pictures posted as “Walking out of Olive Garden” and “Just me”. Shall I send him the pictures of me playing on my computer? Watching TV? Sleeping?

3. He claims to be an educated man yet does not quite have the best grasp of spelling, punctuation and grammar. Neither do I, but again, I don’t claim to as he does right off the bat.

4. Did he just write “I've been called a Protector, some have even used the term; "knight in shinning armor" however, I just believe I'm Me”?  Give me a fucking break. I suppose this egomaniac also has doorways built in his house specifically to accommodate the size of his ginormous head.

5. He went into Law Enforcement "to protect those that couldn't fight for themselves and to stand up/protect the vulnerable"???  Bite me. He went into Law Enforcement because he needed a hook to get laid.

6. He’s looking for “Someone who wants to be w/me for me, not for whom I may know or what I may do for a living.”  Oh really? Who the fuck do you know? Ricki Rocket? What the fuck do you do? Promote women’s wrestling? Don’t do me any favors, lamesauce.

7. “Are you my "Megan Fox?" the answer should be NO, you are you an individual who has her own mind makes her own choices but, believes in compromise and may be open to DRESSING in a POLICE OFFICER UNIFORM as a Halloween Costume this year :)”  What the fuck is wrong with this guy???

8. “Just remember, I'm not too photogenic.” <-------Truth!

9. While myself and a great majority of those on the planet Earth have probably lost somebody they love to cancer I’m not a fan of seeing these typed ribbons on anyone’s profile. I get it, somebody you knew is dead. Same here, bucko but I just choose not to broadcast it on a site looking for love. Save that shit for your diary.

In all honesty, I’m not so sure why this guy pissed me off so much. Oh wait, it’s because he had Barbara Streisand’s nose, John Goodman’s physique and Ray J’s ego.

Parole Officers Count As Men In Uniform, Right?

The Parole Officer’s Profile:

“ONE man can love a million women,but only ONE REAL man can love ONE woman in a million ways.(and i truly post that quote genuinely.)as far as getting 2 know one another,i feel most guys approach women and reveal way too much about themselves,leaving nothing 2 the element of surprise.The only thing u need 2 know about me is that i have A LOT of POSITIVE energy and i'm really FUN 2 be around.Thus leaving us more 2 talk about and more fun in getting 2 know one another.I'm 36,but anyone and everyone thinks i'm barely older than 26.(I'm very thankful 4 that,it's a blessing.)With the right girl,trust me,every week is a valentines with me.I go ALL out 4 that special girl,because that special girl will stand out from all others in doing the same 4 me.Everything is ENERGY and KARMA,i truly believe that.4 every WRONG girl that didn't appreciate a GOOD guy,there's a MS. RIGHT who's waiting 4 the perfect time 2 quickly replace her.(and vice versa)(because everything in life is timing.)Whether a serious or casual relationship,i'm communicative,humorous and fun in all aspects of life.I'm as stimulating and as EXTREMELY passionate as any woman can ever wish and hope 2 meet and find in a guy.I can't lie,i LOVE thick n curvy women.If u always wanted 2 date or hangout w/a guy w/hazel eyes(they change from brown 2 green in the strike of any bright light on them.)and have a weakness 4 guys with deep dimples,well that's me,n your in luck.=)

The old cliche "girls just wanna have fun" is a cliche because it's true.Women care more about having fun with you than if your financially successful or attractive.Women are more at ease with a man who is humorous because his very nature is light hearted.Not that i've never been told i'm sexy,and believe me,i love the attention!!!~lol..=)but my physical attributes and all the money in the world could never compare 2 the person i am HUMOROUSLY..LOL...but yet the comfortable,communicative,and very balanced,GENUINE man i am as well.Some girls want something casual,some want something serious,most don't really know period..lol...and that's ok,no set rules,let's just enjoy it,life's 2 short not 2..=)it's not the date,but the fun company you're with,and with me,everything and anything is VERY fun..i'm CLASSY,i'm BAD BOY,yet GOOD HEARTED,i dress NICE w/SO MUCH STYLE,smell GREAT,EXTRA CLEAN,CONFIDENT,but not ARROGANT...”
Let's just assume that this profile was written by somebody with a reading level above the 3rd grade, shall we? If I went into grammar nazi mode this entry would be a whole lot longer.

I don’t want to hear how laid back you are. I don’t want to hear how great you are. I don’t want to hear how funny you are. Am I laughing? No. So basically, you are a liar too. Good start.

So why did I meet the Parole Officer? Because he was cute.

I can fully appreciate a man with a healthy level of confidence. As long as it doesn’t cross over into cockiness, I’m accepting. The moment any man starts telling me what a Godsend he is I log off.

His profile said 5’10” but upon meeting he admitted that he was really 5’9”. I guess he figured he’d better own up since I stand at exactly 69” myself. I applaud his honesty but I’m not quite sure it’s wise to risk your word and admit to lying when it’s only 1” in question. But he did have gorgeous eyes, dimples and a job so I gave him the 1” and decided to let it drop. Laying down we are all the same height anyway.

Against every dating rule in the book, I met him at his place. I make no apologies. I did my research and deemed it safe enough for me to visit for a few hours before he had to leave for work. But maybe that wasn’t such a good idea after all. You can learn a lot about a man by the residence he keeps.

He had a studio apartment and from the looks of it had been there quite a while and accrued a good many items to fill it. Being half Italian, half Irish it was clear that he took his heritage very seriously. He made a point to let me know since his last name translated to Lion he was a strong male and therefore decorated his entire apartment to reflect that. Now my last name roughly translates to mean briar patch yet you don’t see me decorating my place in a tangle of vines. I’m proud of my roots but not THAT proud. Call me crazy.

Mr. Officer was also heavily into Ju-Jitsu and had a bunch of stuff on the wall that I will never know the meaning of. I’m sure it all meant obvious shit like Strength, Loyalty and some other crap that you see too often in tattoos on men that have taken one Karate class and consider themselves deep.

On his only window, instead of curtains, he used two fleece blankets. One being from “Beauty and the Beast, The Musical” and the other being of “Scarface”. On the wall opposite the Ju-Jitsu wall was his shrine to all things Al Pacino and “Scarface”. He made a point of letting me know that despite him being blond with hazel eyes he’d been told he looked like Al and they shared the same bone structure. As far as I’m concerned, he looks like Al Pacino about as much as I do. Again, stop TELLING me who and what you look like! I’m not blind!

So let me get this straight. He’s laid back, wonderful, funny, outgoing, a Lion, 5’9” and resembles Al Pacino. Please, why stop there, oh humble one? I’m obviously completely incapable of coming to my own conclusions.

To me he sounded like somebody that had watched one too many Sopranos episodes then learned how to construct a conversation at the Gang Banger School for Language Arts in East LA. Come on, I’m a 32 year old woman from Pasadena that considers Old Navy to be high end. I don’t do slang and I most certainly have a hard time pulling “gangsta” off.

He also bragged about being good in bed. Or rather, he told me that he didn’t need to brag about how good he was in bed because he’d never had any complains. This, in my eyes, constitutes as bragging.

He was wrong about that too.

After I was done and beat from doing all the work while the lazy bastard enjoyed my *ahem* enthusiasm, I was tortured by being forced to listen to Frankie J remixes on CD compilations that his past lovers had made him. Oh, the excitement *yawn*. From now on, the reverse cowgirl doesn’t come out until at least the 3rd time we get nekked. That’s too much effort to be putting out on a one time only, unimaginative gangster wannabe that insists you leave your shoes by the front door.

For me, the only good part of the evening was when he put on “Roadhouse” with Patrick Swayze and Sam Elliott. This led to a discussion on men and aging which naturally led to my lifelong adoration of all things Sean Connery. Maybe telling Mr. Officer that I’d totally have a threesome with Sam Elliott and Sean Connery wasn’t the best post coital pillow talk but after the rather dull “meeting of the minds” we’d just partaken in I didn’t much feel the need to censure myself.

I grabbed my purse, my keys, said a quick “talk to you later” which really meant “don’t call me, I’ll call you” and was out the door.

Moral of the story? Sean Connery is still the best looking 97 year old I’ve ever seen and I would still have a threesome with him and Sam Elliott.

Yet Another Shirtless Idiot

First of all, yay me for finally figuring out how to post a picture on this blog. Secondly, I apologize that this was the first picture to post.

Less than 12 hours after posting my Profile Pet Peeves, I received the above picture via text message. Sometimes one really has to wonder about the timing in which things occur. Didn’t I just write “put your fucking shirt back on?”

Let’s cut the crap. Mr. Morning Wood is a fucking moron. I don’t know what is more stupid. The fact that despite not having been out with Wood in almost four years he still deemed it necessary to try and poke my eye out or that he sent this picture to five other women in addition to me. That’s right, he sent this gem wishing us all a “Good Morning, lol” to six ladies. Any guy in his right mind should know better than to give the special six access to each others phone numbers. I guess this picture alone is proof that when a man has a hard on the blood rushes from his brain down to his nether regions.

I’m not going to suddenly claim I’m a prude (you guys know me better than that). I have received such pictures before, sometimes upon request even, but this gratuitous morning wood picture is too much and sort of, well…random, to say the least. Let me give you some background on Mr. Wood.

Match.com was our matchmaker. The first two things I noticed about him were his biceps and his love of reality television (sometimes I just can’t get enough of watching people act retarded on national TV). Upon first meeting in person he appeared to be everything he had claimed to be only with a weaker chin but I could over look that minor detail because he had amazing pecs.

We went out a few times but he was just shy of a two year relationship so I was a tad weary and decided that it might be in my best interest to let this one die down before I found myself too attached. We managed to remain in contact, often by IM or email but nothing more came of this great love connection. He also happened to live about 45 minutes away from me and he didn’t seem to be making that much of an attempt to visit me on my end.

It wasn’t until I found him on Myspace did I get the full picture at how dramatic and needy this guy truly was. What was news to me was the way he proclaimed his love for the new girl in his life. I was slightly surprised and a little disappointed but somewhat taken aback by his declarations of love for the girl with too much eyeliner. I will also make a mention that despite her having a nicer figure than yours truly, I was (and still am) way better looking. Come on ladies, you know there is something cathartic about being better looking than a guys ex or even current girlfriend.

I sent him an email to congratulate him and get the scoop as I was entirely curious as to what I had missed just since the last time we had been in contact. He immediately wrote back saying that I shouldn’t congratulate him just yet as he and his girl “were off and on like a light switch”. I found that to be a rather pessimistic view of things and wondered to myself why he would stay in a relationship where it was clear that things weren’t going to work out. Sure enough, one week later, all signs of her had been erased from his profile and he was listed as single. A week after that? You guessed it. He was in love again. Two weeks after that? Single. It is safe to assume you know where this is going?

He picked up on his text messages to me yet I was none to eager to meet up with him again. Every time I declined he would get pissy saying that I was a typical game playing woman. I’m sure he didn’t consider that he only texted me last minute when I had already made plans. I had also just moved an additional 30 minutes away from him. He was clearly not into driving out to my neck of the woods and I certainly didn’t have any desire to trek an hour and 15 minutes to listen to him bitch and moan about his ex and how she had done him wrong. Mmm, a bitter man that’s too lazy to drive, despite how many times I have driven to him…no thank you.

At one point, he even asked me to leave a comment on his page saying that I was looking forward to meeting him for drinks later. Knowing we had no such plans, I saw his little ploy for exactly what it was. An attempt to make the ex jealous. Now why on heaven’s green earth would I want to get myself involved in that stupid love triangle. I have enough issues of my own.

So, here we are two years later after having found him on Myspace. The ex and he got back together (big surprise) and she moved in with him. They had a son and have now split for good as of about nine months ago. He constantly leaves me (and many other women) cheesy comments on Myspace. I can tell this by the responses he gets back. I guess this is his way at receiving the attention he needs from the opposite sex. I find it a turn off that a man that is 36 years old needs Myspace to fulfill his need for attention.

Oh, and one more thing…even when he was “in love” with Max Factor he never actually took his profile off of Match.com. I’ll also let you know that he hasn’t changed it a bit since I actually met him…5 YEARS AGO! For your reading pleasure I present you with Mr. Morning Wood’s Match.com profile:

“Hello, I'm an honest man and i don't use out-dated pictures to represent myself. The oldest picture is 2 1/2 years old which is my main picture. The last several are mid January 2006 from one of my cruises which incidentally is not usually how I have my hair as it's way too short for my liking. I love cruises and have been on a 5, 7, 8, 10, 11 day cruises all within 3 years from the Bahamas to Mexico to Hawaii.

I try and keep in shape and my body tan working out at least twice a week and my main employment is working in my home office selling full-time I was just recently released from a 2nd job due to facility closure of the postal service and I didn't accept a further assignment.

My dad is from “Some place in Asia” and my mother is from “Hickville” (yes, I changed the locations) I'm not a big fan of "chatting" and am very spontaneous and am looking for the same. Would much prefer to meet for a coffee or a drink to get to know someone. Musically my favorite current artist is: Rob Thomas/Matchbox Twenty. My all-time favorite artist is: Elvis Presley. I own a condo in "BFE" and drive a Tundra and a Mercedes and I mention this just to show personality and not to brag, some have commented that I shouldn't list what I drive or where I live but I say if I was bragging I would said I live in Malibu and drive a Ferrari, right? If you like to be impulsive and spontaneous, give me a wink and lets hang out. Thanks for your time in reading”

P.S. Contrary to popular belief, I should also let you know that I never even slept with this guy.