VENEEReal Disease

“Do you consider oral sex cheating?”

I’m having déjà vu. I’ve heard these words before. Not only have I heard them before but they came from the same married jackass that spewed them 12 months earlier. Has he used this line so many times that he’s actually forgotten who he’s uttered this phrase too? Better yet, how many big busted, six foot tall blondes that he works with has he asked this question to in order to forget that he’s already broached this subject with me?

What makes this scenario particularly scandalous is that not only is the pint sized Puerto Rican married but he also has a kid on the way yet still finds it perfectly acceptable behavior to ask me if I’ve had sex in the office stock room. His wife is a lucky lady indeed.

Last year, it was a hot, sunny afternoon and I was alone in the office looking up porn working diligently when in walked Erik (the pint sized Puerto Rican). He was a very cute, well built, olive skinned man. Hispanic with jet black hair and beautiful big brown eyes. I instantly wanted to devour him. Then he smiled and my mind switched from thoughts of naked debauchery to wondering if his teeth would glow should the power suddenly go out. His teeth were nothing short of ginormous. Like Hillary Duff’s and Dr. Phil’s wife huge. If he thought these were an acceptable look for grills, I can only imagine what they must have looked like before.

We talked, we flirted and I felt that rush that can only come from the chase of the unknown. I had found my new pet project and Eric Estrada was it. Doing my homework like any good school girl determined to ace a test, I went about finding out all I could from his friend, my boss. Then I heard the words that would stop me dead in my tracks and put a damper on any dreams I might have had of dividing and conquering.

“He’s got the greatest live-in girlfriend.”

Shot down.

I certainly wasn’t getting any hint of a girlfriend while he was asking me what I did for fun. Nor was I when he was asking if I had a boyfriend. But a guy with a live-in girlfriend AND big teeth? No thank you. I think I’ll pass.

A few nights later, a few people from work were gathering at a local bar to watch the game. I knew Estrada would be there but paid no mind since I also knew that bar + football = single, eligible men. I and my best push up bra would be there in full force rooting for the team with the cutest fans.

After the game, everyone in my party began to disperse. As luck would have it, I had parked in a different lot from most everyone else…except Estrada, who being the true gentleman he was, offered to walk me to my car. After he insisted I sit and join him for one last drink, of course. Personally, I would have rather had my appendix taken out by a spider monkey but unless I felt like walking back to the dark parking structure alone at midnight I was shit outta luck.

Being slightly irritated and defiant, I asked him what his girlfriend was up to that evening. I had, after all, heard that she was a really “sweet gal”. As he uncomfortably shifted in his seat he launched into his “woe is me” tale about his son (didn’t know he had one of those either), his first wife, his days partying and what led him into AA. Sure, this was an interesting story and all but still didn’t account for the fact that he was sitting alone, in a bar, with 38 DD’s while his good little girlfriend was at home ironing his shirts and taking care of his son by another woman.

Then like a true cheating douche bag with no inclination that what he was doing may be construed as highly inappropriate leaned across the table towards me. With a twinkle in his eye and a smirk on his face uttered the words that every woman should hear at least once in their lives…

“So, do you consider oral sex cheating?”

After I reminded him that things hadn’t gone well the way of Clinton and Lewinsky his face fell like a lead balloon and I got up to leave. I asked if he would like to take his Diet Coke to go. Apparently, that wasn’t the answer he was looking for.

A week later he proposed to his girlfriend. I wasn’t invited to the wedding.

So, why am I having déjà vu you ask? Because once again, I found myself alone with the arrogant philanderer. I had gone almost a year without seeing Estrada and the only thing that had changed was the tan on his left ring finger. Having come in to work on a project, I was left alone with Estrada while he boasted about how wonderful married life was yet asking if he could “show me something in the back room” while holding his fly. Watching his confidence level shrivel when I told him he held no interest for me and that no, he would not be seeing my goodies (nor I his) was worth all the vodka in Russia. Or my wet bar. Whichever is greater, it’s a close call.

Moral of the story: Never trust a man with Day-Glo teeth the size of cue cards.

Dude, Stop Calling Me Dude.

There are three things that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed off.

To make the long story short, I was first sent an email from Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac (D.O.U.C.H.E) about nine months ago. I wasn’t interested the first go round after he bombarded me with emails asking if I could handle his charm, good looks and muscular physique. Had he actually been any of those things I surely would have handled him, and then some. However, the 30 year old, 5’10, 135 lb. Sales Rep with a Bachelor’s Degree just wasn’t doing it for me.

His barrage of one liner emails became so incessant that I finally responded by saying simply “Thanks but no thanks”. Of course he wrote back asking why. I’m sure his mind had been blown that I wasn’t swept away by what could only have been created by the Greek God’s themselves when giving life to such a perfect mortal.

If his pictures weren’t anything to write home about, his profile certainly wasn’t helping matters either.

Im looking for a cute and smart woman who I can have a connection with, date, and fall in love with. Chemistry and physical attraction should be there, as well as mutual respect.

I have a good job in sales which I really enjoy. I graduated from UCLA with a b. a. in political science and live in Newport Beach now. I want to buy my own condo soon. I like to work out, and it would be nice if that person keeps fit. Oh, and ladies, when I say Im 5ft 10, it does NOT mean Im really 5ft 7 lol.

I love to laugh so a sense of humor is a must. Intelligence is a turn on, I cannot stress that enough. Head games, selfishness, or flaky behavior is a turn off. I have a sarcastic and playful side, but I balance that by trying to treat people like I want to be treated. Lets meet for a drink and see if we click.

Read: Looking for love, chemistry, the Fountain of Youth and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loves to laugh? No shit. He's fit and wants you to be fit. Sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. No head games, or flakes, yada, yada, yada. Claims to be educated yet can’t seem to get a grasp on simple things like basic punctuation.

Generic pictures, generic profile. Where has this guy been all my life? Sorry I didn’t meet him sooner. We should get together ASAP so that we can knit potholders while watching Jeopardy and spying on our neighbors from rocking chairs. Perhaps for an encore we can discuss AARP benefits, fruit cake recipes and debate the pros and cons of providing condoms to high school students.

As tempting as that all sounds, I eventually found it necessary to block Mr. Douche. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to spend it dodging some prick that can’t take No for an answer. Moving along…

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had the pleasure of being bombarded once again by emails from Mr. D.

Mr. Douche: Still scared of dating cute guys with nice bodies?

Where is this mythical cute guy with a nice body that he constantly speaks of? I thought I had blocked this moron. Looks as though Mr. Persistent went and got himself another profile. Awesome sauce.

Me: Yes, clearly that's it.

Him: Well whats your deal then?

*Silence*

I’ve played this game with him before and I have no desire to play it again. Now he’s just getting creepy. I’ve taken to hiding my pots, pans and rabbits.

Him: Dude dont take this the wrong way but you're not exactly Angelina Jolie and you're so NOT out of my leauge. Why the whole arrogance? Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?

*Silence*

Him: Not out of my leauge dude.

Now I’m ready…

Me: First of all, DUDE, stop calling me dude. Second of all, it’s quite apparent that in addition to not being nearly as attractive and in shape as you claim, you are also not a rocket scientist. To most people, the silence would be a clear indication of disinterest and let it go. You seem to be confusing my lack of interest for arrogance.

However, if I remember correctly, you hit me up a few months back using another profile name in which I did tell you I was not interested. To continue harassing me is a clear sign of your immaturity and ignorance. Also, I’m not sure of which league you are referring to but I highly recommend that the next time you try using such large words, learn to spell them correctly.

For you to actually write “Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?” makes you an idiot. Get over yourself and find somebody else to bother.

And for the record, you are correct about one thing…I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie. I’m blond.

Then I blocked his ass. Again.

Only two things could have come out of this union. He’d either end up wearing me as a suit or I’d end up on Dateline sporting the latest fashion in orange jumpsuits. Either way, I’d lose.


**Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time somebody has mentioned this distinguished “League”. Jack from Brooklyn has also had the pleasure of being the receiver of such unfortunate and misguided spelling. I highly recommend you read his post discussing his participation in what he refers to as the “Age of the Internet”.

Everything a Man Hates

See that title? Yeah, that’s about me. Or more specifically, that is what was written about me on my very own Facebook page:

“The more I read from you, the more I do not like you. You’re everything a man hates in a life partner and even a friend. See ya.”

Whoa, Nelly! EVERYTHING a man hates? Even in a friend? Wow. That’s a pretty strong statement there, Mister. Apparently, not only did I fuck his mom and not call her the next day but I also kicked his puppy. Of course, I beg to differ. By saying everything implies that man doesn’t care for my exquisite set of breasticles and derriere. Nor does man care for my sharp wit and ability to do the reverse cowgirl.

Also, earlier this week, on Twitter I was on a list titled “Lick My Ass: For people that can lick my ass all they want and I’ll still think they’re crap”.

While I can fully appreciate a good tossed salad and his ability to distinguish the difference between “there”, “their” and “they’re”, that’s not exactly what I would consider a good time. I don’t kiss ass and I most certainly don’t lick it. Especially the ass of an avatar with 97 followers. Save your lube for somebody else as you won’t be needing it with me.

And a year ago, a whole blog post was dedicated to what a cunt I was. The post was so well written that I was even quoted. I couldn’t help but appreciate the fact that homeboy had definitely done his homework. By the time I was finished reading War and Peace I was left speechless and defeated. But I need to thank the little asswipe for doubling my page hits and readership so in the end I was the victor.

Normally, I wouldn’t even respond to such nonsense on this blog but for some reason I feel compelled to do so now. Knowing that this may indeed open me up to even more unwanted scrutiny, I’m choosing to go forward with this post anyway. I’m outspoken on everything else so why not when it comes to somebody attacking my character?

These certainly haven’t been the only times since the inception of this blog that I’ve had to dodge hate mail and death threats and I’m positive it won’t be the last. I’m crass, I’m abrasive and I have an unfounded sense of self confidence. So fucking what?

I talk a lot of shit. I mean a LOT of shit. There’s certainly no denying that. I do not, however, turn around and send it to the people that I’ve written about. Unless I become notably famous, I seriously doubt that any of the men I have brazenly bashed and mocked for the benefit of humor will ever see or know that my amusement was at their expense. I would consider the above mentioned dickwads full of bravado if it weren’t for them hiding behind a computer screen under the shadow of anonymity.

The first time I received a negative reaction to my writing I almost quit. The thought that I had angered somebody so much as to turn their blog and my Twitter page into a battlefield was almost too much to bear. Having spent days fielding comments and DM’s from people asking why I was even alive definitely took the wind out of my sail and made me question if I was doing the right thing by putting myself and my inner most thoughts in such a public forum. I know I can be abrasive but wishing me death? Now that’s a bit extreme, doncha think?

So, to all those that feel the need to shit on my parade and try to make themselves feel better because they don’t agree with me and the way I relate to things I have this to say:

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Now, I’d really rather prefer that this be the last time I need to address this issue. I’m much more a fan of talking about sex and dick then I am of defending my actions and sharp tongue. To think my words and this little blog about sex and dating have garnered such animosity is really fascinating to me but as a wise friend once told me: “If people aren’t talking about you then you are doing something wrong.” If this is any indication of things to come then I’m headed in the right direction.

And one last thing, don’t bother leaving negative comments. I will delete them. Why? Because I can. That’s why.

Bitter much?

I received an email the other day from this gentleman (I use the term loosely) and just had to share it. By the end of the very first sentence you’ll know why. You will probably also know why he is still single…

"O.K all for the new year I'm making it a point to not accept anything less than what I desrve,That being said there is no polite way to say no fat chicks so I'll just say it:)I have been on many dates from these sites with women that post great pics and when they show up they are 50 to 100 pounds overwieght which they hide well in pics and write about how they keep in shape???Then think we are to dumb to notice.So please if you are not in shape within reason do not contact me( Sorry attraction is not a choice)It has been almost a year since I've had a sexual encounters ( Mostly by choice)And if it's another year before I find a LADY worth my affections so be it:) I'm not, I repeat NOT looking to just hook up.I do however look forward to the day I finally find a woman that has what it takes to be my girl:)But the longer it goes the more frustrating it becomes when I meet the bad types:(I am swiftly losing interest in this whole on line dating thing.I'm going to give this site till the end of Jan. then close the account:(WOW how hard is it to find ONE great gal???No pressure girls:)

So here is the rest about me:

I read every profile I find interesting before I contact a woman(Not just the pics:)
It is a numbers game I contact a very few and even fewer get back to me yet I don't take it personally this is getting a bit old:(
I'm very affectionate and love a cuddly woman:)VERY hard to find the right one:(
I am seeking a long term relationship:)( But not in a rush to find it
I'm a hopless romantic seeking the same:)
I love to cook and told I do it well:)
I'm very kind hearted looking for the same in a LADY:)
I'm very affectionate(with the right woman)Love to cuddle.OH I mentioned that:)
I enjoy doing sweet things for a LADY I care about:)
I'm seeking a LADY that will do the sweet things too:)
I do not sweat the small things,seeking the same:)PLEASE no more drama queens
I'm a manly man looking for a LADY girly girl:)
I do stand up comedy seeking a #1 fan:) as I will be hers:)

A little about you:

Attractive both inside and out:)
PLEASE no more fat chicks!! I know it pisses some off but it's just rediculous
A hopeless romantic:)
Not into DRAMA:)Can't stress that enough:)
Take care of youself,physically and emotionally:)
PLEASE no more big drinkers( Not for me to hang out with drunks:)
Not a vegitarian,I enjoy meat and won't change that.
A girly girl,Please no more tom boys.
Please you must own as many dresses as you do jeans:)
If you are sexually repressed or have excess baggage,no need to apply:)
Please no more mommies with young kids:( I enjoy life without the screaming kids:)It is amazing what people let thier kids get away with these days:(If you ever see my stand up comedy act you'll see how I've turned all this negative into a great and funny set:)If nothing else I'm getting alot of great material for my act:)

In the interest of finding that one special LADY I put all this here in hopes of weeding out the types that are not for me.I enjoy that feeling you get when you have found a person that just makes your heart beat swiftly when you see each other,I have an affinaty for picinics,and romantic walks on the beach,cooking a great meal for a gal and having her enjoy it along with candle lite:)And just talking for hours and enjoying it:)I'm just looking for a LADY that is worth my affections:)

Are there any more romantic sweet girly girls left in the world??? are you her???Well if you think so you may contact me now...

All others I bid you well in your search and good luck fishing:)

Wow! Just Wow!

Who knew that comedian was actually spelled A-S-S-H-O-L-E?

“Funnyguy” emailed me saying he thought I was funny and charming. After reading through his profile I can say without a doubt that the feeling is clearly one sided.

Maybe if right out of the gate he didn’t actually write “no fat chicks” I might have been able to overlook his preoccupation with “girly girls”. I might have even been able to overlook his ridiculous holier than thou attitude about a woman being good enough and “having what it takes” to be his girl.

I’d also like to point something out here. Funnyguy is no George Clooney or Brad Pitt. He’s more like their second cousin, twice removed on the side of the family that still thinks Suburban bench seats are more than acceptable to use as porch furniture.

He does however have this to say…

“If you ever see my stand up comedy act you'll see how I've turned all this negative into a great and funny set:)”

It would have been nice if he could have put some of that so called humor into his profile. Instead, he just came across to me as a bitter, egotistical douchebag with gender role issues afraid of anything larger than a size four. And if I’ve learned one thing about human nature, it’s usually he who doth protest too much that is truly hiding something.

And did he really just write…”I have an affinaty for picinics,and romantic walks on the beach,cooking a great meal for a gal and having her enjoy it along with candle lite:)”? This guy can’t be for real. I would have hoped him being in Stand up and all that he would have been able to list something a little more original that the long walk on the beach bullshit.

And just for the record, I can't think of a single "manly man" (as he puts it) that uses so many damn smily faces!

I wish him luck in finding his robot.