Dude, Stop Calling Me Dude.

There are three things that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed off.

To make the long story short, I was first sent an email from Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac (D.O.U.C.H.E) about nine months ago. I wasn’t interested the first go round after he bombarded me with emails asking if I could handle his charm, good looks and muscular physique. Had he actually been any of those things I surely would have handled him, and then some. However, the 30 year old, 5’10, 135 lb. Sales Rep with a Bachelor’s Degree just wasn’t doing it for me.

His barrage of one liner emails became so incessant that I finally responded by saying simply “Thanks but no thanks”. Of course he wrote back asking why. I’m sure his mind had been blown that I wasn’t swept away by what could only have been created by the Greek God’s themselves when giving life to such a perfect mortal.

If his pictures weren’t anything to write home about, his profile certainly wasn’t helping matters either.

Im looking for a cute and smart woman who I can have a connection with, date, and fall in love with. Chemistry and physical attraction should be there, as well as mutual respect.

I have a good job in sales which I really enjoy. I graduated from UCLA with a b. a. in political science and live in Newport Beach now. I want to buy my own condo soon. I like to work out, and it would be nice if that person keeps fit. Oh, and ladies, when I say Im 5ft 10, it does NOT mean Im really 5ft 7 lol.

I love to laugh so a sense of humor is a must. Intelligence is a turn on, I cannot stress that enough. Head games, selfishness, or flaky behavior is a turn off. I have a sarcastic and playful side, but I balance that by trying to treat people like I want to be treated. Lets meet for a drink and see if we click.

Read: Looking for love, chemistry, the Fountain of Youth and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loves to laugh? No shit. He's fit and wants you to be fit. Sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. No head games, or flakes, yada, yada, yada. Claims to be educated yet can’t seem to get a grasp on simple things like basic punctuation.

Generic pictures, generic profile. Where has this guy been all my life? Sorry I didn’t meet him sooner. We should get together ASAP so that we can knit potholders while watching Jeopardy and spying on our neighbors from rocking chairs. Perhaps for an encore we can discuss AARP benefits, fruit cake recipes and debate the pros and cons of providing condoms to high school students.

As tempting as that all sounds, I eventually found it necessary to block Mr. Douche. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to spend it dodging some prick that can’t take No for an answer. Moving along…

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had the pleasure of being bombarded once again by emails from Mr. D.

Mr. Douche: Still scared of dating cute guys with nice bodies?

Where is this mythical cute guy with a nice body that he constantly speaks of? I thought I had blocked this moron. Looks as though Mr. Persistent went and got himself another profile. Awesome sauce.

Me: Yes, clearly that's it.

Him: Well whats your deal then?

*Silence*

I’ve played this game with him before and I have no desire to play it again. Now he’s just getting creepy. I’ve taken to hiding my pots, pans and rabbits.

Him: Dude dont take this the wrong way but you're not exactly Angelina Jolie and you're so NOT out of my leauge. Why the whole arrogance? Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?

*Silence*

Him: Not out of my leauge dude.

Now I’m ready…

Me: First of all, DUDE, stop calling me dude. Second of all, it’s quite apparent that in addition to not being nearly as attractive and in shape as you claim, you are also not a rocket scientist. To most people, the silence would be a clear indication of disinterest and let it go. You seem to be confusing my lack of interest for arrogance.

However, if I remember correctly, you hit me up a few months back using another profile name in which I did tell you I was not interested. To continue harassing me is a clear sign of your immaturity and ignorance. Also, I’m not sure of which league you are referring to but I highly recommend that the next time you try using such large words, learn to spell them correctly.

For you to actually write “Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?” makes you an idiot. Get over yourself and find somebody else to bother.

And for the record, you are correct about one thing…I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie. I’m blond.

Then I blocked his ass. Again.

Only two things could have come out of this union. He’d either end up wearing me as a suit or I’d end up on Dateline sporting the latest fashion in orange jumpsuits. Either way, I’d lose.


**Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time somebody has mentioned this distinguished “League”. Jack from Brooklyn has also had the pleasure of being the receiver of such unfortunate and misguided spelling. I highly recommend you read his post discussing his participation in what he refers to as the “Age of the Internet”.

Youngbuck Revisited

When I’m all alone at night my mind begins to wonder. Crazy shit streams through my head like a bad horror flick written by Heidi Montag. How do lizards have sex? Does So and So really look in the mirror and think “Damn that looks good” before leaving the house? How was I able to function before “Snapped” on Oxygen? Is Oprah really a lesbian? And when is a good time to tell my cousin she isn’t a model? The inner dialog inside my head is definitely questionable.

What does this have to do with anything? Well, actually it doesn’t except to show that I’m clearly crazy. But even I, in my craziest of episodes, wonder what the fuck people are thinking when they do, say or write certain things.

Case in point, Youngbuck (remember him?).

I want to take a moment and discuss Youngbuck’s steady spiral towards the “You’ve got to be kidding me and lose my number” zone. Perhaps someone can please shed some light on why Youngbuck went from a sweet, decent lay into a man with an unhealthy preoccupation with my knees and his penis.

Truth be told, I’m not really sure why he’s still around. In my heart of hearts I know that we will never be exclusive. Perhaps I like having him around because he’s cute, good in bed (as long as he gives it a rest without going all 12 rounds) and once I get over the fact that he spells “kik it” with a “k” I can relax and enjoy his company.

The moment he mentioned “feelings” is when the spiral began. Most everyone I know, knows that I don’t own a pair of those so when he mentioned the “F” word I backed off big time. I had thought we were on the same page up to that point so this was all completely out of left field.

I haven’t seen too much of him since then but he’s still actively pursuing me. However, his attempts at reconnecting have begun to border on the bizarre. Let me show you an example of one of his most recent attempts the other night (via text message):

YB: hey there

Me: hey

YB: How r u?

Me: Good. U?

YB: Good. Busy with work & skool

Me: Gotcha

YB: What r u doin?

Me: Just watching some TV.

YB: Sounds fun…u wanna suk sum cock

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

Oh gee, can I? Oh, pretty please?!? First off, my answer is no. I realize my day seemed to be devoid of something but I’m pretty sure sucking cock was not what it was missing. At least, not that day anyway. And secondly, you are not doing me any favors by sticking your dick in my mouth. As a matter of fact, that’s me doing you a favor.

I never responded to his offer of generosity so an hour later I got this:

YB: I guess that’s a no

See, he’s not so stupid after all.

Three days later…

YB: When kan we fuck

I didn’t even get any warning with that one. No “hi, how are you?” or “how was your day?” Nothin!

Me: When you stop sending me stupid texts about fucking and sucking dick. You know I hate that shit (Yes, I have told him on multiple occasions that I find “sexting”, as the kids call it, cheesy and lame. If you want to fuck, get your ass over here. I don’t need to talk about it. Put up or shut up.)

YB: Ok, no prob…karry on

Me: AND STOP SPELLING SHIT WITH A K!!!

For God’s sakes! This is a grown ass man. In college and holding down two jobs, no less. It’s like the closer he comes to the realization that I’m not interested in him romantically the more of a fucktard he becomes.

Is it because I’ve hurt his ego? Is he trying to outplay me in the game of NSA? It seems to me as if he’s gone overboard in trying to make it appear as though he no longer cares and he’s just in it for sex. The only difference being that I AM only in it for sex and he’s clearly gotten his wee wittle feelings hurt. I didn’t intentionally make it my mission to rebuff his romantic advances but I was up front and honest with him the whole time about where I stood. He knew the game. He knew the rules.

OR

He’s really just an idiot and thinks that women find it panty shedding hot to be bombarded with texts about hair pulling and knee scraping. I’m thinking a little bit of both.

And for the record, it’s apparently NEVER a good time to tell your cousin that she isn’t a model. Go figure.

Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails

"im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron"

**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?

And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.

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"You're so gorgeous...

Men should get in line for you!

Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)

Kiss,

-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"

**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.

Status: Not single/Not looking

Looking For: Talk/E-mail

Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable

In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.

First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times.  I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"

**Alllllriiiighty then

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"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"

**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…

“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”

**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?

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"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"

**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.

2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…

Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God

About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!

I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.

I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.

I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.

I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.

Del Mar is where I live.

I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.

Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.

Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"

First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."

**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.

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"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.

I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.

I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!

SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!

I live in Culver City and work in Century City.

You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.

Ciao

P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL

PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""

**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"you do look gorgeous =]"

**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”

Good luck in your search.

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"how are u today, are u busy

would u like to chat?

my name is kevin, whats your name?

Kevin"

**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:

"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"

**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.

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"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX

samir"

His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."

First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."

**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!

Keep It In Your Pants, Please

I recently took a quiz on Facebook. The quiz was expertly titled “How Well Do You Know Men?” My score? 0% - Pathetic (their words, not mine). I proudly posted my score for all to see finding it amusing yet realizing that that one quiz pretty much summed up my entire dating and relationship history.

Really giving this trivial yet meaningful quiz a lot of thought I figured the way I had been viewing the opposite sex could actually be flawed. Until 12 hours later when I met Vanilla. In 15 minutes of being face to face with Vanilla I was proven that my initial assumptions had been correct all along and that Facebook was full of shit.

As with any other dating site, much of my time is spent weeding through the social retards and leather wearing, motorcycle riding grandfathers trying to reclaim their youth till you find somebody that doesn’t make you cringe or vomit in your mouth a little. Receiving an email from Vanilla and not feeling the need to leave the table was definitely a good sign. He was tall, brunette, had abs you could wash clothes on and biceps that looked as though lifting my big ass would be a piece of cake. He had all his teeth, lived locally and apparently was a chubby chaser. Yay me! I think. Draw backs included being six years younger than me and him only looking to “hang out”. Still, I responded back.

Thanks to unemployment and a sudden appearance of one of my Wisdom teeth I put my newfound love interest on the backburner. This wasn’t good enough for him. The moment he knew there was a spark of interest he was relentless. Daily emails and miraculously, every time I logged onto the site he was there. If he weren’t so damn hot I would have avoided him like the plague. However, due to my circumstances I could see how I might have been coming across as a tad flaky so I cut him some extra slack for being so tenacious. If the situation had been reversed I would have already probably written myself off.

I gave Vanilla my phone number and let him call me. The initial conversation was decent. I’m not sure if he was trying to assure me or compliment me by telling me how much he loved women with “meat on their bones”. But his emphasis on the matter made me feel a tad uncomfortable. I’m not a freak, I’m not a circus monkey, and I’m not required to purchase two plane seats so he could have left it at “I like thick women”. Once I was able to direct him from the size of my ass the conversation flowed smoothly.

A few nights later we decided to meet for an impromptu late night snack. We chose a café close by and I arrived a few minutes early and prayed that things would go well. A few minutes later he pulled up. We both got out of our cars and despite him looking skinnier than his pictures he was still very cute. He immediately wrapped his arms around my waist, pulled me close to him and tried to kiss me.

Wait, what?!? This would have been great if we were in the midst of a Harlequin Romance but we had just met. I gave him a quick hug and gently removed his hands from my hips. He checked me out from head to toe in a way that made me feel as though I were livestock and started to growl his approval. Yes, I said growl. Trying to get out of such direct scrutiny I suggested we go inside for a cup of coffee. He said we would “in a minute”.

Changing the subject from my curves to his upcoming birthday he made a very fateful decision. He started complaining about turning 26 and how old he was going to be. With disdain, I reminded him that I myself was 31 and that being 25 was by no means anywhere near old. To counter, he told me that the aging process was different for women than it was for men. I agreed, pointing out that in the battle of age men were usually the benefactors and women were usually stuck trying to reverse the process. Think Phyllis Diller v. Sean Connery. Who’s sexier? I think you see where I’m going with this.

To make things worse, he started to rub himself. And by “himself” I really mean his junk. The growling started up again and he told me he couldn’t help himself because I was so damn sexy. With disbelief, I caught myself saying “What are you doing? You can’t pull that out HERE!” At which point he told me that I needed to “see it”. I assured him that I had seen plenty of Peni in my day and that NO, I did not need to see his. As if things couldn’t get any more awkward he asked how close I lived and if we could go there. According to Vanilla, he wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation with me unless he had a “release”. All the while trying to grab at me and bring me closer to him. And yes, we were still in the parking lot.

I decided it was time for me to extract myself out of this particular situation…and FAST. I told him I needed to go and started walking back to my car. The last words I heard escape his suddenly childish pouty lips as I disappeared into the distance were…

”you aren’t going to call me, are you…?”

I’m sure the closing of my car door answered that question. Buh bye.

Two weeks later, I got this:

Him: U still want to meet babe?
Me: What do you mean? We already met...
Him: like hang out
Me: I think I'm going to pass but good luck to you...

Folks, I can’t make this shit up…