The Chinese New Year can suck it

Continuing on in my journey to spread misery to those that take the time to read my shit, I promise not to disappoint today.

Think back to January of this year, if you will. It was a new year, I was employed and I was screwing a personal trainer. Sure, my job was unfulfilling but at least my car payments were up to date and I wasn’t in constant hiding from my roommate during the first of the month.

I gave up on making New Year’s resolutions long ago but deep down I just knew that this was to be my year. The year where I would not only succeed in all endeavors but flourish. I had made up my mind to focus on bringing out and working on all the creative passions I had for so long kept hidden and hopefully find a mate in the process. Now that I think about it that does sound sort of resolution-ish.

I felt good and I had the Chinese on my side to back it up. I just needed to get to January 26th and all my worldly dreams would be mine for the taking. Take a look at what the Chinese had to say about my 2009 (keep in mind, I was born in 1977 making me a Snake). I have highlighted my favorite parts…:

"Snakes are the Ox’s best friends and vice versa. You are both slow and deliberate and your energies similar. So this coming Ox year for Snakes will be beneficial, productive and personally valuable. You will be back in your native groove and enjoying the type of languid mood in which you always concoct your best schemes and are able to carry off projects that needed finishing or topping up. Last year really slowed your progress to a slithery crawl. But the Ox appreciates your quiet sense of esthetics and is always there to help you realize your dreams. Love is back too. You’ll be feeling more romantically intense than you have been in awhile. Reason? Some of your money and chronic health troubles are behind you. Do remember though that the Ox is a demanding old character and does not tolerate a lazybones. One has to show a willingness and an ability to labor under duress in Ox years and even though the Ox favors you and considers you his pet, you will still have to put your pretty little nose to the grindstone and get cracking on projects and problems left undone in previous (less benevolent) years.

If a bird flies into your house, do you panic and think someone will die? If you step on a crack do you still believe your will break your mother's back? If you break a mirror, are you certain you will have to endure seven years bad luck? If you reply is yes to any of the above, then you are afflicted with superstition. Of course it isn't terminal and cannot be treated with antivirals or antibiotics. But an excess of superstition often besieges the psyches of Snake people and causes them excessive worry. You are given to other worldly experiences. Sometimes you actually know about things before they happen. This year that quality may spook you and make you more fidgety than usual. Snakes need a spiritual outlet. When they don't have one, their subconscious works overtime. This year, get your mojo working in some sort of spiritual way - religion, metaphysics, mediation or chanting etc. - just so your conscious mind can focus on making a living.

The Ox wants to see you happy. He or she is your best friend and biggest booster. You're on the same wave length. But you are more beautiful. Oxen are more useful. If you must fall in love this year, you might want to choose an Ox partner. Oxen are going places for the next 12 years. An Ox spouse would be a real asset for a luxury hungry Snake person."

Okay????? So, what the fuck happened? This year has been anything BUT hopeful and positive. If anything, I’m wondering if this was supposed to be a good year God help me when it’s not.

So here I go. I’m ready to unleash...

Since my “New Year” began I have been laid off twice. Unfortunately, I was being paid under the table at both places so I’m not eligible for unemployment benefits. Even though I have paid into them for the 12 years prior to this past year. I’ve applied to every job under the son and still have gotten less than a handful of responses. It was brought to my attention (by someone trying to be helpful) that the clerical field was oversaturated with people looking for work. Basically, meaning that anyone hiring for simple data entry up to an Executive Assistant position has their pick of the crop. I’m not lying when I’ve seen job listings requesting a Bachelor’s Degree, some overtime and a laundry list of expectations and responsibilities for $9 an hour. I don’t know about you but that doesn’t say much about wasting my time getting a degree if that’s what I have to look forward to. Now remember, I don’t have a degree so I’m pretty much fucked. My friend, Mr. Obvious, suggested I broaden my horizons. Great. In theory. Where should I broaden to? All I’ve ever done was administrative. So, you tell me where I can apply and hopefully make more than $10/hr in a new field with no experience and I will personally hand deliver my resume. Until then, shut the fuck up.

My next gripe. I did finally get a call back earlier this week in regards to a job. I interviewed and nailed it with my sparkling personality. The hourly wage was not agreed upon during the interview but she was well aware of what I had been making and my experience level. She verified my references and called me the next day to offer me the position. I was ecstatic. Until she told me what I would be making. With excitement in her voice she told me that she would be paying me $11 an hour like she was doing me some goddamn favor. But, a job is a job and I’m desperate so I told her I’d see her Monday.

Here’s my dilemma. This job is not quite full time as she had led me to initially believe. It is, in fact, only 32.5 hours a week. At $11/hr I’m looking at $357.50 a week take home since she also wants to start me out “under the table” during my FOUR month probation period.

Next, this job is over an hour away, one way, during rush hour. I’m easily looking at roughly 12 hours sitting in traffic every week. This I was aware of when I applied for the job and would gladly do…IF I WOULD BE MAKING MORE THAN $357 A WEEK! Basically, due to the location, you can subtract about $50 right off the top for gas alone.

Now, how the hell am I supposed to look for another job, let alone interview if I’m spending everyday either sitting in traffic or working for Ms. Generosity? By trying to make some green I’m actually putting myself in the red. For $1200 a month, I’m supposed to pay rent, car payment, car insurance (already in the red at this point), phone, cable and food. I haven’t even added in shampoo/conditioner, toothpaste, or paying back any of the friends with a dollar to share back. Fuck birthdays, anniversary’s and tampons because I won’t be able to afford them.

As if that wasn’t bad enough. By me taking this job I would have to flake on a friend of mine that was going to pay me to help her work a convention in Las Vegas during the first week of September. For $357, I’m giving up a free trip to Vegas and the $500 she was going to pay me AND leave one of my best friends high and dry when she needed me the most. I’m letting down a friend and losing $143 in the process.

I actually feel worse after getting this job offer than I did before I had interviewed. I feel deeply insulted. At this point, I’m angry at everyone.

Another helpful friend of mine wrote “Just think of those without a job. I’ll keep you in my prayers”. Oh really? Great. I’ll keep them in mind when I am sleeping on my dads couch because even though I will be working full time I can’t pay my damn rent. Guess what? I don’t give a flying fuck about other people struggling right now. Just as I’m sure they could care less about me. Right now I’m my only concern. And correct me if I’m wrong, but if I’m working my ass off everyday then why am I sleeping on a couch in somebody else’s home. If I’m forced to crash in somebody else’s house then I’m not working full time, hours away for some cunt that refuses to pay me what I’m worth.

My love life is fairing about the same as my professional life but I’ll save that bitch for another day. Until then I just want you all to know that the Chinese are a bunch of fucking liars. So there, I’m now a fucking racist too.

Have a great day ya’ll!

Perhaps I should consider posting my resume on Match.com

I apologize in advance as I’m feeling particularly feisty today. I just finished taking a 200 question personality test for a job interview. Is there really a wrong way to answer “Do you often find yourself smiling?” I can’t wait to get the results of that test. What I want to know is, how does that have anything to do with my experience as an Administrative Assistant? Not one single question had anything to do with the position being applied for. Or any position for that matter. But my desire to eat, keep a roof over my head and buy toilet paper outweighed my overwhelming desire to tell the business consultant issuing the test to go fuck herself. She spent five minutes going over my resume and 30 minutes waiting for me to finish the “What Kind of Psycho Are You?” test. Apparently, my experience and qualifications were far less important than my emotional wellbeing. Let me assure you, after having to answer 200 variations of “Is your voice monotone or does it vary in pitch?” my being is not well. I suppose if I had answered “No” to the smile question she would have automatically dismissed me as being a ticking time bomb and called out to Security. I felt like winking at her and telling her I needed to get something out of my car and I would be right back…

From what was explained to me, Ms. Independent Business Consultant Cuntrag (I don’t use that word lightly. I don’t usually have a problem with Consultants) was hired by the company seeking an Administrative Assistant to streamline their growing company and save them money. Right off the top of my head, I could have told this company how to save money…and the rain forest. Get rid of Ms. IBCC and her six page questionnaire asking if I thought “others liked me”.

This whole process has got me thinking. Looking for employment is much the same as looking for love online. Both unfortunately, usually ending much the same way. With a broken ego, crushed spirit and an empty wallet. Not to mention the feeling after all is said and done of being emotionally drained and having been buttraped without any lube.

In both cases you are forced to take your life’s worth of experiences and knowledge and paraphrase them into a few short paragraphs in the hopes that you’ve done something that will make you stand out above the rest. In the event that you are able to catch someone’s eye you set up a face to face meeting. The interview, per say. You answer questions about your past, future and present while the interviewer (date) tries to determine if you are worthy of being hired (or taken on a second date). By the time your hour is up you are left second guessing yourself and your answers, hoping they will call yet knowing they won’t and wondering why the guy at Colfax Liquor won’t give you a discount for buying vodka in bulk after your soul has just been crushed.

The good thing about online dating is that I actually get responses to my ad and I get laid. Possibly just because I have breasts (big beautiful breasts) but at least I get some sort of feedback and for at least 30 seconds I can forget all about having “too much experience” to toss burgers yet not enough for an entry level receptionist position because I don’t have my degree (even though I’ve been working in Admin for 13 years.) So, for that I salute you Match.com, Plenty of Fish, Eharmony and any other dating site out there that I haven’t mentioned.

But one last thing, as I’m typing this out I just received an email from Ms. Cuntrag. I must have failed the personality test because they chose to hire another candidate. Guess there was a wrong answer to the smiling question after all. Humph, Imagine that.

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Just for kicks I’ve decided to revamp my cover letter (much as I did with my online dating profile). If they want something that will stand out that’s exactly what I will give them…Check it out. And yes, I started sending this out shortly after my rejection…

Dear Asshole,

I am completely qualified, if not over qualified for this position. I do not however, possess a degree. I guess that of and in itself is enough to disqualify me from filling the position of receptionist and lapdog but I strongly disagree. Apparently, having 13 years of “on the job” administrative and clerical experience (six of those being in a management position) is just not equivalent to an AA or Bachelor’s Degree. Guess what, some of us just didn’t have the money. I love that at 31 years of age, I am now being penalized for being an active tax paying member of society since I was 18 years old. My bad (not exactly a professional term but it works for me at the moment. Lest we forget….I’m not college educated…member????)

To be offered anything less than $20 an hour actually insults my intelligence. Especially considering that someone on the corner of any given street will make at least $12 or $13 an hour twirling a sign in the hopes you will come into their store to buy the newest cell phone.

So, I actually hope that you don’t call me for I’m sure that I have already applied to your open position and wasn’t qualified.

Kisses,
Melisa

You should see how I revamped my actual resume. Now if this doesn’t get anybody’s attention, I don’t know what will.

I’m done venting. Have a good night. I’m about to go curl up and watch “South Park” reruns since I have failed miserably this week in both the job front and the love front. But all is not lost. I have a very special inanimate friend that I keep under my bed for these lonely nights. All it needs is a D battery and we are good to go. I may be giving myself Carpel Tunnel Syndrome but nobody’s been too eager to hire me for my typing skills anyway. At least I still go to bed satisfied and I don’t have to nudge it to keep from snoring.

Day 1...The Beginning

So, it has been suggested to me by a very near and dear friend (I’d swear she was my Gemini twin if she were also a blonde) to start a blog. It has come to her attention that I seem to have a plethora of things to say on any given subject. With this I’d agree.

Being as this is my first blog entry I’ll start with today, move backwards to give you my history. Then hopefully move on to bigger and better things.

Today sucked. This a game I like to play with above mentioned friend. We compare notes, bitch about the days wrong doings and how much God has come to dislike us. She thinks she was Hitler in a past life. I think I was Judas. See how it works? I won that round.

At this point in the game, I’m 31, just lost my job AGAIN, in desperate need of making this months rent (with was due today), have no significant man in my life and am at home alone watching “Trekkies 2” for the umpteenth time on Showtime. I also had the glorious opportunity to chat with my Indian representative at HSBC Auto Finance after receiving a notice saying they were ready to repossess my lovely ’05 Toyota Corolla. Which, I’m paying entirely too much for because I have an APR of 196% due to my shitty credit.

On a good note, I have a great rack, a ton of blonde hair and amazing eyes. I also have a very active and glorious sex life. All is not lost.

As you can probably imagine, most of my entries will revolve around the male of the species and my interest in acquiring one or more of them for my permanent collection. I don’t mean creepy, chained to the basement kind either. I’d opt for ladies but I have no desire to Dine at the Y. Sorry, but if I “ever change my mind” I’ll be sure to “give you a call”. At this point, my family is seriously getting on my nerves about becoming an old maid and I do get a little lonely from time to time. Sex is awesome but I get bored of having to ask men to leave. “What is your name again?” is not the best way to start the morning.

So, how did I do so far? I’ve either driven you to the brink of desperation (in which case, say “Hi” because chances are I’m standing right next to you) or you are curious to see how I’m going to dig myself out of this mess and end up on top. On top of whom? Not sure yet.

Also, I find it only fair to give you a heads up that I’m a fairly open book and as I long as my dear grandma isn’t reading this I will continue to be so. So, if bad language, graphic descriptions of my many sexual escapades and ridicule of others tripping offend you than you should probably move along.
Cheers!