I’m going to let you guys in on a little secret. I’m kind of a smart ass. I know that may be hard to believe but it’s true. Don’t worry, I’ve come to terms with it and no amount of therapy or vodka is going to change that.
That being said, I’m also not what you would consider a “romantic”. Slow songs during Karaoke make me uncomfortable and American Idol makes me laugh. I find appreciating art difficult and I certainly have a hard time getting into poetry. This probably makes me sound like one of them there uncultured folks but I’d literally rather spend my time organizing my sock drawer or removing my wisdom teeth with a plastic spork and a straw.
If you feel like hanging with me and a bottle of tequila while skinny dipping in the middle of the night, cool. That’s more my style. If you want to discuss the importance of SNL’s Tina Tina Chanuse and why you shouldn’t have a boring doorbell, that’s even better. Yeah, I’m classy like that.
So, when I received this email from The Poet, I rolled my eyes so hard they almost got stuck in the back of my head.
Left my heart looking in the mirror, I knew I was losing it all.
A glass of vodka, without the cranberry, yes it was a bad week.
Look at the guy sleeping on the ground, what a joke.
Wait thats me, but I showered like a rich guy; with water that
sprouted from the wall.
The clouds cover the sun again, and its hard to see but this fool is
still wearing sunglasses at 8 o clock at night.
I love it when they laugh and I make everyone's night, but I belong
to the night, to the streets of the night.
Where are you headed ? well I just ask cause I stay in Santa Monica
right next to the nice hotel, I didn't live or work there but kinda liked it when the lady asked me if I could park her car.
At least I think this was an attempt at poetry. And if it isn’t, I’m REALLY confused. He had me at vodka. He lost me at the comma following. I’m still of the belief that if it doesn’t rhyme it isn’t really a poem. I’m more of a “Roses are red, Violets are blue. I can’t write poetry and neither can you” kind of gal.
In his defense, he did catch my attention. However, probably not for the reasons he was hoping for.
His profile listed his profession as “Writer”. He’s 33 years old, looking for “Friends”, has never been married (surprise, surprise), has no kids and only has one picture posted. With sunglasses on.
Hemingway’s Profile:
Love to play poker and shoot pool. Like a woman that can sing so I can relax and enjoy your voice. I am a writer and when I become big I wanna help animals and people who live in poverty. I would like to get to know someone so I can take them to vegas.
First Date:
coffee. coffee. coffee.
If that’s not one of the lamest attempts at trying to woo a woman than I don’t know what is. This guy must be a real hit at dinner parties. I suppose I should give him kudos for wanting to save the earth and all its unfortunate inhabitants but there’s just something about him that makes me want to vomit.
Considering that he states he’s a writer, I also would have assumed he’d have given a little more thought to his profile. A dating profile is a perfect opportunity to showcase one’s talents (especially if you are indeed a writer) and is the closest thing to a first impression one can make on the internet. He clearly doesn’t believe in spell check and considering he didn’t take this opportunity to stand out from the rest, I find him to be somewhat of a fraud.
If this guy is actually making a living off of his writing, then I give up. I guess I just can’t compete with such raw and uninhibited talent. I certainly shouldn’t write him back for fear that I won’t be able to live up to his expectations and amazing ability to put the written word onto paper.
To make the long story short, I won’t be going out with Robert Frost anytime soon.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
The Fire Has Gone Out With The Fireman
Here’s how I know that The Fireman and I will not be sustaining a long and fulfilling relationship:
Five minutes after arriving, he began telling me of his “Latina” phase. Apparently, he is now into women of the Hispanic persuasion. Hi, have we met? I’m a 19 foot tall blonde. Thanks, Jackass.
He only brought one bottle of wine.
He spent 12 minutes discussing his previous night’s date where he spent $50 at the movies and didn’t get laid yet decided that he couldn’t forgo $10 to get another bottle of vino for me…even knowing that I WOULD be putting out.
I started playing on Twitter while he was talking.
He seemed slightly annoyed when I managed to rip his belt in half while trying to get it off of him. (I don’t mess around when I’m trying to get into a man’s pants. If I feel it’s taking too long, clothes will be torn and belts broken. That’s just the risk you take)
Since he wouldn’t let me sleep at 1:30 in the morning, I made him go out to buy me more wine because I realized he was only bearable if I’m intoxicated.
He tried to order a hamburger with a side of tits at the Jack In The Box drive through on our way back from getting alcohol.
He bit me.
I found myself rolling my eyes several times when he wasn’t looking and even contemplated if it was too late to go ask the neighbors if I could borrow their duck tape. At midnight.
He tried to stick his dick into my wine glass to get my attention since I found an old episode of Criminal Minds more entertaining than his thoughts of self realization and his need to acquiesce to the demands of family and friends to settle down and find a “good” woman.
All in all, this evening I just described can best be summed up as an “I shaved for this?” kind of evening. The conversation was dull and the sex mediocre at best.
I didn’t even bother with the morning sex. I got dressed and sat on the couch to wait for him to wake up. Walking him to his car was the highlight of the whole experience.
I’d once been told that if I were a bitch, I’d be nicer. I’m inclined to agree.
Five minutes after arriving, he began telling me of his “Latina” phase. Apparently, he is now into women of the Hispanic persuasion. Hi, have we met? I’m a 19 foot tall blonde. Thanks, Jackass.
He only brought one bottle of wine.
He spent 12 minutes discussing his previous night’s date where he spent $50 at the movies and didn’t get laid yet decided that he couldn’t forgo $10 to get another bottle of vino for me…even knowing that I WOULD be putting out.
I started playing on Twitter while he was talking.
He seemed slightly annoyed when I managed to rip his belt in half while trying to get it off of him. (I don’t mess around when I’m trying to get into a man’s pants. If I feel it’s taking too long, clothes will be torn and belts broken. That’s just the risk you take)
Since he wouldn’t let me sleep at 1:30 in the morning, I made him go out to buy me more wine because I realized he was only bearable if I’m intoxicated.
He tried to order a hamburger with a side of tits at the Jack In The Box drive through on our way back from getting alcohol.
He bit me.
I found myself rolling my eyes several times when he wasn’t looking and even contemplated if it was too late to go ask the neighbors if I could borrow their duck tape. At midnight.
He tried to stick his dick into my wine glass to get my attention since I found an old episode of Criminal Minds more entertaining than his thoughts of self realization and his need to acquiesce to the demands of family and friends to settle down and find a “good” woman.
All in all, this evening I just described can best be summed up as an “I shaved for this?” kind of evening. The conversation was dull and the sex mediocre at best.
I didn’t even bother with the morning sex. I got dressed and sat on the couch to wait for him to wake up. Walking him to his car was the highlight of the whole experience.
I’d once been told that if I were a bitch, I’d be nicer. I’m inclined to agree.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Ever Get The Feeling Like There's Something Missing?
Meeting One was a breath of fresh air. He was funny, engaging, TALL. By all accounts, perfect. One had his own house, his own business and a boat. He was divorced, had a son and didn’t spend countless hours bitching about the Ex. All signs pointed to yes. For once, I thought Match.com might have gotten it right. Or at least close.
Our first conversation was filled with laughter and flirting without him feeling the need to ask me for more pictures or my bra size. In a “what a small world” moment, it was soon realized that I had actually met his bartender brother two years earlier in Hollywood. I have a fairly uncommon French last name and as it turned out me and One had last names so similar we were one letter away from being kissing cousins. Giving his brother my card to start a tab is how he and I ended up having the exact same conversation years before.
Anyway, moving along…
A couple of dinner dates and a few Coronas later and it was time to test out the mattress. One had an amazing body and I was very much looking forward to exploring it. He knew how to kiss, he knew where to touch. This was going to be fun.
With my tongue, I traced the lines of his chest. Nibbling on his muscular pecks and lightly biting at his solid abs on my way down. I thought to myself “Wow, this guy has everything!”
But I may have spoken too soon.
Making my way down to show this guy one of my many talents, I thought I noticed something missing. Lights out, I thought the shadows of the room were playing tricks on me. I moved One Jr. slightly to the right then slightly to the left. Could it be? Was I seeing this right?
I thought they usually came in pairs?
Our first conversation was filled with laughter and flirting without him feeling the need to ask me for more pictures or my bra size. In a “what a small world” moment, it was soon realized that I had actually met his bartender brother two years earlier in Hollywood. I have a fairly uncommon French last name and as it turned out me and One had last names so similar we were one letter away from being kissing cousins. Giving his brother my card to start a tab is how he and I ended up having the exact same conversation years before.
Anyway, moving along…
A couple of dinner dates and a few Coronas later and it was time to test out the mattress. One had an amazing body and I was very much looking forward to exploring it. He knew how to kiss, he knew where to touch. This was going to be fun.
With my tongue, I traced the lines of his chest. Nibbling on his muscular pecks and lightly biting at his solid abs on my way down. I thought to myself “Wow, this guy has everything!”
But I may have spoken too soon.
Making my way down to show this guy one of my many talents, I thought I noticed something missing. Lights out, I thought the shadows of the room were playing tricks on me. I moved One Jr. slightly to the right then slightly to the left. Could it be? Was I seeing this right?
I thought they usually came in pairs?
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Youngbuck Revisited
When I’m all alone at night my mind begins to wonder. Crazy shit streams through my head like a bad horror flick written by Heidi Montag. How do lizards have sex? Does So and So really look in the mirror and think “Damn that looks good” before leaving the house? How was I able to function before “Snapped” on Oxygen? Is Oprah really a lesbian? And when is a good time to tell my cousin she isn’t a model? The inner dialog inside my head is definitely questionable.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, actually it doesn’t except to show that I’m clearly crazy. But even I, in my craziest of episodes, wonder what the fuck people are thinking when they do, say or write certain things.
Case in point, Youngbuck (remember him?).
I want to take a moment and discuss Youngbuck’s steady spiral towards the “You’ve got to be kidding me and lose my number” zone. Perhaps someone can please shed some light on why Youngbuck went from a sweet, decent lay into a man with an unhealthy preoccupation with my knees and his penis.
Truth be told, I’m not really sure why he’s still around. In my heart of hearts I know that we will never be exclusive. Perhaps I like having him around because he’s cute, good in bed (as long as he gives it a rest without going all 12 rounds) and once I get over the fact that he spells “kik it” with a “k” I can relax and enjoy his company.
The moment he mentioned “feelings” is when the spiral began. Most everyone I know, knows that I don’t own a pair of those so when he mentioned the “F” word I backed off big time. I had thought we were on the same page up to that point so this was all completely out of left field.
I haven’t seen too much of him since then but he’s still actively pursuing me. However, his attempts at reconnecting have begun to border on the bizarre. Let me show you an example of one of his most recent attempts the other night (via text message):
YB: hey there
Me: hey
YB: How r u?
Me: Good. U?
YB: Good. Busy with work & skool
Me: Gotcha
YB: What r u doin?
Me: Just watching some TV.
YB: Sounds fun…u wanna suk sum cock
WHAT
THE
FUCK?
Oh gee, can I? Oh, pretty please?!? First off, my answer is no. I realize my day seemed to be devoid of something but I’m pretty sure sucking cock was not what it was missing. At least, not that day anyway. And secondly, you are not doing me any favors by sticking your dick in my mouth. As a matter of fact, that’s me doing you a favor.
I never responded to his offer of generosity so an hour later I got this:
YB: I guess that’s a no
See, he’s not so stupid after all.
Three days later…
YB: When kan we fuck
I didn’t even get any warning with that one. No “hi, how are you?” or “how was your day?” Nothin!
Me: When you stop sending me stupid texts about fucking and sucking dick. You know I hate that shit (Yes, I have told him on multiple occasions that I find “sexting”, as the kids call it, cheesy and lame. If you want to fuck, get your ass over here. I don’t need to talk about it. Put up or shut up.)
YB: Ok, no prob…karry on
Me: AND STOP SPELLING SHIT WITH A K!!!
For God’s sakes! This is a grown ass man. In college and holding down two jobs, no less. It’s like the closer he comes to the realization that I’m not interested in him romantically the more of a fucktard he becomes.
Is it because I’ve hurt his ego? Is he trying to outplay me in the game of NSA? It seems to me as if he’s gone overboard in trying to make it appear as though he no longer cares and he’s just in it for sex. The only difference being that I AM only in it for sex and he’s clearly gotten his wee wittle feelings hurt. I didn’t intentionally make it my mission to rebuff his romantic advances but I was up front and honest with him the whole time about where I stood. He knew the game. He knew the rules.
OR
He’s really just an idiot and thinks that women find it panty shedding hot to be bombarded with texts about hair pulling and knee scraping. I’m thinking a little bit of both.
And for the record, it’s apparently NEVER a good time to tell your cousin that she isn’t a model. Go figure.
What does this have to do with anything? Well, actually it doesn’t except to show that I’m clearly crazy. But even I, in my craziest of episodes, wonder what the fuck people are thinking when they do, say or write certain things.
Case in point, Youngbuck (remember him?).
I want to take a moment and discuss Youngbuck’s steady spiral towards the “You’ve got to be kidding me and lose my number” zone. Perhaps someone can please shed some light on why Youngbuck went from a sweet, decent lay into a man with an unhealthy preoccupation with my knees and his penis.
Truth be told, I’m not really sure why he’s still around. In my heart of hearts I know that we will never be exclusive. Perhaps I like having him around because he’s cute, good in bed (as long as he gives it a rest without going all 12 rounds) and once I get over the fact that he spells “kik it” with a “k” I can relax and enjoy his company.
The moment he mentioned “feelings” is when the spiral began. Most everyone I know, knows that I don’t own a pair of those so when he mentioned the “F” word I backed off big time. I had thought we were on the same page up to that point so this was all completely out of left field.
I haven’t seen too much of him since then but he’s still actively pursuing me. However, his attempts at reconnecting have begun to border on the bizarre. Let me show you an example of one of his most recent attempts the other night (via text message):
YB: hey there
Me: hey
YB: How r u?
Me: Good. U?
YB: Good. Busy with work & skool
Me: Gotcha
YB: What r u doin?
Me: Just watching some TV.
YB: Sounds fun…u wanna suk sum cock
WHAT
THE
FUCK?
Oh gee, can I? Oh, pretty please?!? First off, my answer is no. I realize my day seemed to be devoid of something but I’m pretty sure sucking cock was not what it was missing. At least, not that day anyway. And secondly, you are not doing me any favors by sticking your dick in my mouth. As a matter of fact, that’s me doing you a favor.
I never responded to his offer of generosity so an hour later I got this:
YB: I guess that’s a no
See, he’s not so stupid after all.
Three days later…
YB: When kan we fuck
I didn’t even get any warning with that one. No “hi, how are you?” or “how was your day?” Nothin!
Me: When you stop sending me stupid texts about fucking and sucking dick. You know I hate that shit (Yes, I have told him on multiple occasions that I find “sexting”, as the kids call it, cheesy and lame. If you want to fuck, get your ass over here. I don’t need to talk about it. Put up or shut up.)
YB: Ok, no prob…karry on
Me: AND STOP SPELLING SHIT WITH A K!!!
For God’s sakes! This is a grown ass man. In college and holding down two jobs, no less. It’s like the closer he comes to the realization that I’m not interested in him romantically the more of a fucktard he becomes.
Is it because I’ve hurt his ego? Is he trying to outplay me in the game of NSA? It seems to me as if he’s gone overboard in trying to make it appear as though he no longer cares and he’s just in it for sex. The only difference being that I AM only in it for sex and he’s clearly gotten his wee wittle feelings hurt. I didn’t intentionally make it my mission to rebuff his romantic advances but I was up front and honest with him the whole time about where I stood. He knew the game. He knew the rules.
OR
He’s really just an idiot and thinks that women find it panty shedding hot to be bombarded with texts about hair pulling and knee scraping. I’m thinking a little bit of both.
And for the record, it’s apparently NEVER a good time to tell your cousin that she isn’t a model. Go figure.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Tragic Dating Profiles/Emails
"im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron"
**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?
And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're so gorgeous...
Men should get in line for you!
Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)
Kiss,
-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"
**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.
Status: Not single/Not looking
Looking For: Talk/E-mail
Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable
In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.
First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times. I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"
**Alllllriiiighty then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"
**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…
“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”
**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"
**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.
2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…
Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God
About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!
I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.
I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.
I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.
I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.
Del Mar is where I live.
I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.
Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.
Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"
First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."
**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.
I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.
I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!
SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!
I live in Culver City and work in Century City.
You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.
Ciao
P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL
PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""
**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"you do look gorgeous =]"
**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”
Good luck in your search.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"how are u today, are u busy
would u like to chat?
my name is kevin, whats your name?
Kevin"
**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:
"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"
**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX
samir"
His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."
First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."
**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!
**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?
And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're so gorgeous...
Men should get in line for you!
Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)
Kiss,
-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"
**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.
Status: Not single/Not looking
Looking For: Talk/E-mail
Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable
In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.
First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times. I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"
**Alllllriiiighty then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"
**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…
“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”
**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"
**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.
2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…
Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God
About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!
I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.
I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.
I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.
I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.
Del Mar is where I live.
I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.
Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.
Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"
First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."
**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.
I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.
I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!
SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!
I live in Culver City and work in Century City.
You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.
Ciao
P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL
PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""
**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"you do look gorgeous =]"
**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”
Good luck in your search.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"how are u today, are u busy
would u like to chat?
my name is kevin, whats your name?
Kevin"
**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:
"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"
**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX
samir"
His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."
First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."
**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Coffee, Tea...or Me?
It’s official, the 40 Year Old Virgin just isn’t into me. At least that’s the feeling I’m getting considering that he is now trying to fix me up with not one, but TWO of his friends.
Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. I Think You Are So Beautiful And I Really Like You And I Want To Take You Out (otherwise known as Mr. ITYASBAIRLYAIWTTYO) is now trying to fix me up with other people. It looks like I’ve found my very own personal matchmaker. The only problem is that I was interested in THIS guy. Not any of his friends.
After the last text message I received from him basically flaking on me, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to partake in this little game. As interested as I was in seeing him again (read: naked), I wanted him to know that I was not okay with him blowing me off.
But, I’m not completely innocent, which is why I actually entertained the idea of seeing him again. I had to take some of the blame considering how strongly I came on to him. I did, after all, almost devour him on our first date. It’s very possible I may have scared him a little bit. Those who know me or have met me, even once, know that I can be…what’s the word…a tad aggressive?
A week later he IMed me on Facebook:
Him: What’s up sexy? You’re so beautiful (Major points for choosing the right version of you’re and double points for calling me beautiful)
Me: Hey
Him: Are you doing ok?
Me: Yes. You?
Him: Just wanted to let you know that I like you a lot and didn't want to hurt you. Because you're really nice person (Uh oh, I can see where this is going…)
Me: (Not wanting to stick around for the ax) Thanks. Take care.
Him: I want us to be good friends and I do want to see you again, babe! If that's o.k with you. (There it is…let’s be “friends”)
Him: Let me make some money, because it's slow a bit for me (Huh?)
Him: We can go to comedy clubs and hang out and have a few drinks (Is he trying to make a date or is this still us being “friends”? Because it’s starting to feel like a date. I could be wrong.)
Me: Ok? I’m a little confused but…ok?
Him: LOL! (Not sure how my being confused is funny but…ok?)
Me: Even though I'm not sure what money has to do with anything.
Him: I'm not a prince from Saudi Arabia! If we go out and have a few drinks and want to eat dinner, they will send us a bill! lol (Yes, I’m pretty familiar with consumerism and it’s cost)
Me: You were the one making all the plans to go here and there. If you would have asked me, I would have told you that I'm perfectly content hanging out at my place and not doing much. I think between you and me we can afford a six pack.
Him: lol!!!!! Yeah, but I want to take you out, babe. (After all is said and done, I will probably be ditching this guy for his accessive use of “lol” and “babe”)
Me: I just don’t understand you. You try to get me to go out with you for 6 months then we go out and have a good time (or so I thought) and then you blow me off. I don't think I want to play this game. (Pretty self explanatory)
Him: I'm not blowing you off! I'm writing you now.
Him: Talk to you later, sweetie! Gotta go to bed. Need to get up at 5a.m I have a client at 6:45a.m Goodnight.
And with that he was gone.
But it didn’t stop there. A few nights later, he left me a voicemail saying two of his friends had seen my pictures on Facebook and thought I was beautiful so he gave them my number. Wait, did you catch that? HE GAVE OUT MY NUMBER! What the hell was he thinking? Is he my fucking pimp now?
The next two voicemails were from “the friends”. Needless to say, these calls have not been returned. I did email the 40 Yo Virgin though and let him know exactly how I felt about him passing me around like some damn party favor. He has since apologized profusely saying he “wasn’t thinking” and that he likes me too and blah, blah, blah.
It’s pretty safe to assume that I will NOT be seeing this guy again. Perfect body or no, he’s a complete and utter social retard. I just don’t have the patience to deal with such nonsense.
Next!
Yes, you read that correctly. Mr. I Think You Are So Beautiful And I Really Like You And I Want To Take You Out (otherwise known as Mr. ITYASBAIRLYAIWTTYO) is now trying to fix me up with other people. It looks like I’ve found my very own personal matchmaker. The only problem is that I was interested in THIS guy. Not any of his friends.
After the last text message I received from him basically flaking on me, I wasn’t so sure I wanted to partake in this little game. As interested as I was in seeing him again (read: naked), I wanted him to know that I was not okay with him blowing me off.
But, I’m not completely innocent, which is why I actually entertained the idea of seeing him again. I had to take some of the blame considering how strongly I came on to him. I did, after all, almost devour him on our first date. It’s very possible I may have scared him a little bit. Those who know me or have met me, even once, know that I can be…what’s the word…a tad aggressive?
A week later he IMed me on Facebook:
Him: What’s up sexy? You’re so beautiful (Major points for choosing the right version of you’re and double points for calling me beautiful)
Me: Hey
Him: Are you doing ok?
Me: Yes. You?
Him: Just wanted to let you know that I like you a lot and didn't want to hurt you. Because you're really nice person (Uh oh, I can see where this is going…)
Me: (Not wanting to stick around for the ax) Thanks. Take care.
Him: I want us to be good friends and I do want to see you again, babe! If that's o.k with you. (There it is…let’s be “friends”)
Him: Let me make some money, because it's slow a bit for me (Huh?)
Him: We can go to comedy clubs and hang out and have a few drinks (Is he trying to make a date or is this still us being “friends”? Because it’s starting to feel like a date. I could be wrong.)
Me: Ok? I’m a little confused but…ok?
Him: LOL! (Not sure how my being confused is funny but…ok?)
Me: Even though I'm not sure what money has to do with anything.
Him: I'm not a prince from Saudi Arabia! If we go out and have a few drinks and want to eat dinner, they will send us a bill! lol (Yes, I’m pretty familiar with consumerism and it’s cost)
Me: You were the one making all the plans to go here and there. If you would have asked me, I would have told you that I'm perfectly content hanging out at my place and not doing much. I think between you and me we can afford a six pack.
Him: lol!!!!! Yeah, but I want to take you out, babe. (After all is said and done, I will probably be ditching this guy for his accessive use of “lol” and “babe”)
Me: I just don’t understand you. You try to get me to go out with you for 6 months then we go out and have a good time (or so I thought) and then you blow me off. I don't think I want to play this game. (Pretty self explanatory)
Him: I'm not blowing you off! I'm writing you now.
Him: Talk to you later, sweetie! Gotta go to bed. Need to get up at 5a.m I have a client at 6:45a.m Goodnight.
And with that he was gone.
But it didn’t stop there. A few nights later, he left me a voicemail saying two of his friends had seen my pictures on Facebook and thought I was beautiful so he gave them my number. Wait, did you catch that? HE GAVE OUT MY NUMBER! What the hell was he thinking? Is he my fucking pimp now?
The next two voicemails were from “the friends”. Needless to say, these calls have not been returned. I did email the 40 Yo Virgin though and let him know exactly how I felt about him passing me around like some damn party favor. He has since apologized profusely saying he “wasn’t thinking” and that he likes me too and blah, blah, blah.
It’s pretty safe to assume that I will NOT be seeing this guy again. Perfect body or no, he’s a complete and utter social retard. I just don’t have the patience to deal with such nonsense.
Next!
Friday, April 2, 2010
Pants Party
I’m gonna jump on the penis bandwagon here, no pun intended. There’s penis in the air lately (again, no pun intended). Lots of articles asking “does size matter?”
Well, I’m here to tell you it does. To me, at least.
Being a self proclaimed penis connoisseur, I’d like to consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. I’ve dealt with teeny peenys, pencil dicks, crooked cocks and donkey kongs. There isn’t a whole lot I haven’t seen. I’m not bragging, I’m just stating fact.
I’ve dealt with minute men, marathon men and men going soft. Men that are cut, men that are not. Men that are shaved and men that don’t bother.
From what I’ve seen, the line between men and women has been clearly drawn in the sand. Women that enjoy an adequate member and how it’s used and men that claim it isn’t the size of the trouser snake but how it moves.
I’m here to say that I’m a size queen and proud of it. I make no apologies. It’s strictly a matter of preference. Go big or go home. That’s not to say it’s the only deciding factor when I meet a guy but it is most certainly a bonus.
So how does a woman preferring a larger penis differ from a man preferring larger breasts? A certain hair color? A certain race? Body type? I don’t think it does. People all have things that turn them on. Some things are stranger than others. Some people are into kink, bondage, feet, food. You name it, there’s somebody that wants it.
When a woman mentions liking a man of “size” I hear a lot of excuses. “Just because he’s large doesn’t mean he knows how to use it.” “She must have a huge vagina.” Retaliation by many (mostly men) countering with bullshit somehow insinuating that just because she enjoys a large cock she’s shallow, a whore or doesn’t enjoy all the rest that comes along with being intimate with somebody. I understand that there isn’t a whole lot a man can do with what he was born with but again it’s a matter of preference. He can’t change his size anymore than I can change into a petit Asian woman. That doesn’t make me bitter or insulted towards any man that happens to prefer all the things I’m not. I’ve dealt with bad lays on both ends of the spectrum but if I had my choice I’d still stick with the foot long over the finger pecker.
So why the bad rap for women that enjoy huge cocks?
I will, however, agree with most that it shouldn’t be the only factor when determining a man’s worthiness for bedding. It’s also nearly impossible to determine the size of a man’s goods until it is literally out in the open. Not from lack of me trying, of course.
I’ve heard the myths. I’ve checked them all out. I’ve dated 6’4” men with cocks the size of a thimble. I’ve dated men shorter than myself sporting 8” plus. Big noses mean nothing. Big feet just mean big shoes. Want to know a sure fire way to tell if the man you are with is sporting a baby shark? When he pulls down his pants and he has a 10” wiener. That’s how.
Moral of the story? People like what they like. Everybody is different. Some people are good in bed and in tune with what makes them and their partner feel good. And sadly, some people just aren’t.
Pocket Rocket aside…seriously ladies, when was the last time you purposely bought a dildo that was only 4”?
Well, I’m here to tell you it does. To me, at least.
Being a self proclaimed penis connoisseur, I’d like to consider myself somewhat of an expert on the subject. I’ve dealt with teeny peenys, pencil dicks, crooked cocks and donkey kongs. There isn’t a whole lot I haven’t seen. I’m not bragging, I’m just stating fact.
I’ve dealt with minute men, marathon men and men going soft. Men that are cut, men that are not. Men that are shaved and men that don’t bother.
From what I’ve seen, the line between men and women has been clearly drawn in the sand. Women that enjoy an adequate member and how it’s used and men that claim it isn’t the size of the trouser snake but how it moves.
I’m here to say that I’m a size queen and proud of it. I make no apologies. It’s strictly a matter of preference. Go big or go home. That’s not to say it’s the only deciding factor when I meet a guy but it is most certainly a bonus.
So how does a woman preferring a larger penis differ from a man preferring larger breasts? A certain hair color? A certain race? Body type? I don’t think it does. People all have things that turn them on. Some things are stranger than others. Some people are into kink, bondage, feet, food. You name it, there’s somebody that wants it.
When a woman mentions liking a man of “size” I hear a lot of excuses. “Just because he’s large doesn’t mean he knows how to use it.” “She must have a huge vagina.” Retaliation by many (mostly men) countering with bullshit somehow insinuating that just because she enjoys a large cock she’s shallow, a whore or doesn’t enjoy all the rest that comes along with being intimate with somebody. I understand that there isn’t a whole lot a man can do with what he was born with but again it’s a matter of preference. He can’t change his size anymore than I can change into a petit Asian woman. That doesn’t make me bitter or insulted towards any man that happens to prefer all the things I’m not. I’ve dealt with bad lays on both ends of the spectrum but if I had my choice I’d still stick with the foot long over the finger pecker.
So why the bad rap for women that enjoy huge cocks?
I will, however, agree with most that it shouldn’t be the only factor when determining a man’s worthiness for bedding. It’s also nearly impossible to determine the size of a man’s goods until it is literally out in the open. Not from lack of me trying, of course.
I’ve heard the myths. I’ve checked them all out. I’ve dated 6’4” men with cocks the size of a thimble. I’ve dated men shorter than myself sporting 8” plus. Big noses mean nothing. Big feet just mean big shoes. Want to know a sure fire way to tell if the man you are with is sporting a baby shark? When he pulls down his pants and he has a 10” wiener. That’s how.
Moral of the story? People like what they like. Everybody is different. Some people are good in bed and in tune with what makes them and their partner feel good. And sadly, some people just aren’t.
Pocket Rocket aside…seriously ladies, when was the last time you purposely bought a dildo that was only 4”?
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