"im kinda new on here and i was reading your profile and it sounded like we have some things in common. being new on here not sure what to do im kinda shy at first but open up as i get comfortable im a down to earth guy who enjoys simple things and open minded in trying different things i have 2 beautiful daughters i like to golf,shoot pool,going to the movies. i listen to all types of music. there is more to me but i dont like typeing so i am better on the phone by the way my name is Ron"
**Oh really? You drink too much, smoke too much and watch Cathouse on HBO? You enjoy knitting, watching MSNBC and eye cream? Awesome! Where have you been all my life?
And thanks for letting me know you don’t like typing. I can tell you aren’t a big fan of punctuation or capital letters.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"You're so gorgeous...
Men should get in line for you!
Wish I lived a bit closer... ;)
Kiss,
-Mr. Rio de Janeiro"
**It’s not his email that caught my eye. I actually thought it was simple and sweet. What made me take a double take was his profile.
Status: Not single/Not looking
Looking For: Talk/E-mail
Interests: Movies, Internet, Cable
In the “About Me” section he simply listed his personal email address.
First Date:
"On the first date I had sex a few times. I also had a nice chat for hours some other times. I'm open minded, so I guess it's about chemistry...Anyway, enough talking. Where's the fun? ;-)"
**Alllllriiiighty then
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"want to go to the beach on friday, get dinner or coffee and get to know eachother"
**This 18 year old jewel is the poster child for worst picture EH-VER. As if those two things aren’t enough of a reason to keep us apart he lives 2 hours away, is looking for an Intimate Encounter and had this is say in his “About Me” section…
“I have been in school for two years and want to find someone who I can really connect with. I have had some trouble in my past with girlfriends but it was their problems that caused the break up. Do not be afraid to talk to me because I am a great person. I am a very athletic person with a great body and mind”
**Really? Did he really just put all the blame for his past relationship failures on his ex girlfriends? And how many could there be at 18 years old?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Arthur and i just adored your pic and profile. I am living in Del Mar, which is North San Diego County; single, never been married, no kids. Seeking to date a white woman leading to marriage ultimately. No games. Interests include sporting events, dining out, hanging out with friends, dancing, and romantic getaways. Willing to travel to make this happen. Open minded.
Thanks! Ciao4now. Xoxo"
**Again, I don’t have much to say about the initial email except for whooooaaa on the marriage mention…but it’s his profile that ultimately made me gag a little.
2 hours away from me (wonder if he knows the 18 year old that blames all his ex – yes, I left that singular on purpose), 44 years old, 5’6” (3 inches shorter than me), a few extra lbs and balding. Please, stop there! No, there’s more…
Interests: Get-togethers with others who love God
About Me:
"Hello! My name is Arthur. I'm doing well. Jesus is my Lord and Savior!
I'm closer than ever in my life to God, at the present time.
I was raised in a Christian environment all my life.
I moderate a National/International Christian news wire that reaches thousands by Email, twice weekly.
I used to be one of the Restaurant Critics for the Union Tribune.
Del Mar is where I live.
I am in my 4th year paying mortgage on a condo. I have pets.
Church attendance is unorthodox. I am involved with lots of religious organizations. I have my finger on the pulse of what's happening, what God is up to nowadays.
Seeking someone who wants to share passions, Christian interests, and explore the world around us. Ultimately, I want this to lead to more than acquaintances. Ciao!"
First Date:
"With that said (see above), I am worldly and materialistic, and a sinner just like the rest. I am nowhere near "holier than thou". I like all kinds of activities, so first dates can vary widely. I maintain an open mind."
**No, no, no, no no! Did he even READ my profile? He’s either trying to date me or save me. Either way, I’m not going anywhere with the bible thumping polar bear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"My name is Armando and I'm Peruvian/Italian. 6'0 tall, 210 lbs, 41 yrs.
I like to play soccer, rugby, work out, travel, carnival cruises, dancing, fine dining, movies, etc.
I'm looking for someone who wants to start out as friends and see where it goes from there! A cool, down to earth woman with a great sense of humor. If there's no chemistry, we can always be friends, simple as that!
SENSE OF HUMOR IS A MUST THOUGH!
I live in Culver City and work in Century City.
You seem like an amazing woman and it would be a pleasure to meet you.
Ciao
P.S.I WAS IN A 70'S PARTY IN THE 1ST PICTURE ABOUT 6 MONTHS AGO SO FEEL FREE TO LAUGH! LOL
PENSO CHE SEI UNA DONNA BELLA! it means, "I THINK YOU'RE A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN""
**I have received this email no less than four times in the past six months from Mr. Copy & Paste. And guess what, I didn’t laugh at the 70’s party picture the first time around. He works hard, plays harder, loves to travel, looking for his best friend/partner in crime blah blah blah. Two words…BO RING!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"you do look gorgeous =]"
**Why, thank you Mr. 18 year old, looking for an Intimate Encounter with the headline “anyone here to fucck?”
Good luck in your search.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"how are u today, are u busy
would u like to chat?
my name is kevin, whats your name?
Kevin"
**The 42 year old divorcee with the Driver’s License picture has this to say in his profile:
"The Scorpio man is unlike any man of any other. Scorpios men, are very deep and intense people. Understanding a Scorpio man is important in carrying on any type of relationship with him. If you are willing to deal with a Scorpio man then you will have a loyal friend"
**There’s something about a man that only refers to himself in the third person that creeps me out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"caall me 949 XXX-XXXX
samir"
His Profile:
"Am sweet careing down to earth romantic i love cuddleing And kissing i love going to the beach and going shopping i am very loyal to who ever i am with i never play games. I am into sports and I am kind of shy. Going out and having a good time is great but I like to stay home too. If that makes you frown upon me then thats on you cause i am a cool guy at times been called a sweetheart oh i work out to trying to better myself oh yeah is the any real ladys out there THE ONE AND ONLY ME! Better known as ONE9...Im a charming guy, whos out going....my please is to c u smile! Im known as a snicker--take your love hunger away..when u kiss me, ill be called the LAYS chips cause i bet u can just take one!...So get to know me, and find out! CAuse i Gone to a lot of places....seen a lot of faces........ If u want me, you'll have me! if u like what u see, you'll stay! if your a queen, ill be your KING! ..."
First Date:
"To the girl that just wants to hold hands.. -To the girl that kisses with a meaning.. -To the girl who says...."I do care". -To the girl who just wants a guy to give their jacket up when they are cold.. -To the girl who just wants him to call.. -To the girl that just wants to cuddle.. -To the girl that just wants to sleep (no sex) with him.. -To the girl that is not scared to put her heart out there again because she has been hurt so many times.. -To the girl who is thinking right now... maybe this could be the one. -To the girl that believes in her dreams.. -To the girl that would do anything so she could achieve them.. -To the girl that supports him in his dreams 100% and will help him achieve them.. -To the girl that laughs at stupid stuff when she actually doesn't think it's funny at all. -To the girl who is just looking for that one and only and is having a rough time along the way.. ..."
**Will somebody please...Shoot. Me. NOW!?!
Showing posts with label creepy old guy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label creepy old guy. Show all posts
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
I Love To Hate You, Plenty of Fish
Here are some of my latest batch of Plentyoffish.com’s emails. If this is the best of the best then it looks like I’m going to be single for a lonnnng time! If it weren’t so damn tempting to sit in my PJ’s and critique men I would have given up long ago. But I’m a hopeless romantic (translation: Lazy and broke) so I just keep on keepin on.
Hi there, how are you doing? just saw your page and wanted to say "HI"
I am here in LA overnight on a layover. What are you up to today?MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
Benny
**Benny lives in Missouri. Knowing he’s from out of state and he’s only going to be here for a few hours I basically took this as him wanting a quick romp in the hay. I know I may be presuming too much here but he is after all, a guy. I highly doubt he wants to spend his few hours in LA meeting a stranger and discussing the pros and cons of stem cell research. No, I will not be hooking up with Mr. Layover. Frankly, he was giving himself too much credit thinking I would even consider it. Not with that face only a mother could love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow, after reading everything you wrote, it's no surprise to me at all that you are here on this site loking for men dumb enough to want to put up with you!
**39 years old, never married, no kids, works in IT, has only one picture posted, “A few extra pounds” and has this to say about himself: “I go to the local Bally's fitness place a few times a week to get in shape and lose some weight. I moved out here to North Hollywood about 10 months ago. I do some movie / tv work whenever possible. If you work with or have any interest in movies / tv, that'll be something we have in common.” Great, an overweight wannabe actor with no sense of humor. Just in case he wasn’t already not interested I would have passed on Mr. Double Chin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know if i've ever read a personal ad s painfully funny or brutally honest....WOW!!! i'm torn between applauding and turnng and running as far and as fast as i can. Seriously though, props o you for owning your sh*tand having ovaries big enough to put it out there tht kind of blunt, bare bones sincerity can only come from a true saggitarian.I"d like to invite you to view my profile and see if you might be interested in starting a friendl dialog and see where it goes from there.hope to hear from you soon.
**There is nothing more endearing to me than being told I have big ovaries. Actually, I thought the email was amusing. Unfortunately, I’m not remotely attracted to him and he doesn’t want children. Plus, his profile says that he’s 39 but he has this written at the bottom of his page: “UPDATE: I AM 47 YEARS OLD...THE SYSTEM WONT LET ME CHANGE MY AGE.” Sure bub, I’m supposed to believe that you accidentally entered your age eight years younger than you really are AND that the system won’t allow you to change it. I was born at night but not last night, idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey you... My name is Daniel, I am Puerto Rican and Jamaican, 6' and 180... I like your profile. I thought that was pretty comical. I am surprised you haven't been wifed up by now.
**28 years old, working towards his Masters, has a decent profile with no typos and good grammar…so why does he insist on posting a picture that makes him look like a wannabe gangster? So confused. Profile says educated and literate. Picture says “wut up booooooooiiii” I just can’t get interested in a guy when I can’t tell if he is wants to recite poetry to me or take me on a drive by shooting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey there this is Nick, wow you are extremely hot ;0. i see you live in North Hollywood, same here iam off of Vineland and Oxnard.
and if you are wondering why iam writing you is that I ONLY DATE OLDER WOMEN. so write me back and let me know what you thinkNick xoxo
**I will not be going out with Nick either. I refuse to go out with a man that has his hometown initials (in his case “LA”), R.I.P. or anything in Old English tattooed anywhere on his body. Nick has all three.
Here’s his short but titillating profile:
” WELL Iam 6'3, blonde hair, tan, green eyes, got alot of tattoos... I play on a adult hockey leauge in Torrance. iam 1 of the sales rep managers @ Vivid Entertainment .. i dirtbike atleast once a week... i surf everyday at El Porto and love to just go and relax and watch the sunset at the beach”
**No thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the email from “Loverlover69”. Of course, Mr. 69 says his first date would be this:
“dinner over a glass of wine, then off to the movies,after which we go for a walk on the beach in the moonlight.”
**Something about his Username and walk on the beach crap doesn’t add up. I’m calling bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gorgeous eyes, beautiful hair fantastic smile. You must be a GODDESS!!!
**He would be correct
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI, I normally don't take the time to actually write a email onPOF. But after reading your profile, and then seeing whom wroteit, I so wanted to say hi and see how your night was going? Yourvery attractive. Hope to hear from you soon sweetie. :)
James
**He doesn’t “normally take the time to actually write an email”? Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the whole purpose of finding a date online? You email somebody or they email you and things go from there? Frankly, this guy just isn’t good looking enough and his profile isn’t anything special either (I think he could have done better than 2 sentences about chemistry) for women to be banging down his door with written invitations. Am I supposed to be flattered that Mr. I Don’t Make A First Move decided to break his rule by emailing me? Well, I’m not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also got ANOTHER email from this guy…
“Hi im DeanI live in Granada Hills and work in Glendale for a majorentertainment company as a professional.I am also a veteran.I am open to new things.I hope to hear from you.”
I must have received at least half a dozen emails from this guy since February when I first signed up with PoF and they always sound as though it's his first time contacting me. Looks like I’m going to have to actually respond to him. I’ll just make sure to block him after I’ve sent it. If I’ve learned anything from the past, it’s that any response (even negative ones) can be misconstrued as open invitations to converse. I’m. Just. Not. Interested. And I don’t see that changing…EVER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I chose not to mention all the hideous spelling and bad grammar but rest assured I noticed all of it. I’m not sure what it is about emailing somebody through an online dating site that turns people into insta-tards but one would think if that’s the first impression you are going to be making at least TRY and spell half way decently. Especially if you are claiming to be a writer, a business owner, an EXECUTIVE, etc….and spare me your shortcut emails and ghetto lingo.
Hi there, how are you doing? just saw your page and wanted to say "HI"
I am here in LA overnight on a layover. What are you up to today?MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!
Benny
**Benny lives in Missouri. Knowing he’s from out of state and he’s only going to be here for a few hours I basically took this as him wanting a quick romp in the hay. I know I may be presuming too much here but he is after all, a guy. I highly doubt he wants to spend his few hours in LA meeting a stranger and discussing the pros and cons of stem cell research. No, I will not be hooking up with Mr. Layover. Frankly, he was giving himself too much credit thinking I would even consider it. Not with that face only a mother could love.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow, after reading everything you wrote, it's no surprise to me at all that you are here on this site loking for men dumb enough to want to put up with you!
**39 years old, never married, no kids, works in IT, has only one picture posted, “A few extra pounds” and has this to say about himself: “I go to the local Bally's fitness place a few times a week to get in shape and lose some weight. I moved out here to North Hollywood about 10 months ago. I do some movie / tv work whenever possible. If you work with or have any interest in movies / tv, that'll be something we have in common.” Great, an overweight wannabe actor with no sense of humor. Just in case he wasn’t already not interested I would have passed on Mr. Double Chin.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't know if i've ever read a personal ad s painfully funny or brutally honest....WOW!!! i'm torn between applauding and turnng and running as far and as fast as i can. Seriously though, props o you for owning your sh*tand having ovaries big enough to put it out there tht kind of blunt, bare bones sincerity can only come from a true saggitarian.I"d like to invite you to view my profile and see if you might be interested in starting a friendl dialog and see where it goes from there.hope to hear from you soon.
**There is nothing more endearing to me than being told I have big ovaries. Actually, I thought the email was amusing. Unfortunately, I’m not remotely attracted to him and he doesn’t want children. Plus, his profile says that he’s 39 but he has this written at the bottom of his page: “UPDATE: I AM 47 YEARS OLD...THE SYSTEM WONT LET ME CHANGE MY AGE.” Sure bub, I’m supposed to believe that you accidentally entered your age eight years younger than you really are AND that the system won’t allow you to change it. I was born at night but not last night, idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hey you... My name is Daniel, I am Puerto Rican and Jamaican, 6' and 180... I like your profile. I thought that was pretty comical. I am surprised you haven't been wifed up by now.
**28 years old, working towards his Masters, has a decent profile with no typos and good grammar…so why does he insist on posting a picture that makes him look like a wannabe gangster? So confused. Profile says educated and literate. Picture says “wut up booooooooiiii” I just can’t get interested in a guy when I can’t tell if he is wants to recite poetry to me or take me on a drive by shooting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hey there this is Nick, wow you are extremely hot ;0. i see you live in North Hollywood, same here iam off of Vineland and Oxnard.
and if you are wondering why iam writing you is that I ONLY DATE OLDER WOMEN. so write me back and let me know what you thinkNick xoxo
**I will not be going out with Nick either. I refuse to go out with a man that has his hometown initials (in his case “LA”), R.I.P. or anything in Old English tattooed anywhere on his body. Nick has all three.
Here’s his short but titillating profile:
” WELL Iam 6'3, blonde hair, tan, green eyes, got alot of tattoos... I play on a adult hockey leauge in Torrance. iam 1 of the sales rep managers @ Vivid Entertainment .. i dirtbike atleast once a week... i surf everyday at El Porto and love to just go and relax and watch the sunset at the beach”
**No thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Then there was the email from “Loverlover69”. Of course, Mr. 69 says his first date would be this:
“dinner over a glass of wine, then off to the movies,after which we go for a walk on the beach in the moonlight.”
**Something about his Username and walk on the beach crap doesn’t add up. I’m calling bullshit.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gorgeous eyes, beautiful hair fantastic smile. You must be a GODDESS!!!
**He would be correct
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI, I normally don't take the time to actually write a email onPOF. But after reading your profile, and then seeing whom wroteit, I so wanted to say hi and see how your night was going? Yourvery attractive. Hope to hear from you soon sweetie. :)
James
**He doesn’t “normally take the time to actually write an email”? Correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t that the whole purpose of finding a date online? You email somebody or they email you and things go from there? Frankly, this guy just isn’t good looking enough and his profile isn’t anything special either (I think he could have done better than 2 sentences about chemistry) for women to be banging down his door with written invitations. Am I supposed to be flattered that Mr. I Don’t Make A First Move decided to break his rule by emailing me? Well, I’m not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I also got ANOTHER email from this guy…
“Hi im DeanI live in Granada Hills and work in Glendale for a majorentertainment company as a professional.I am also a veteran.I am open to new things.I hope to hear from you.”
I must have received at least half a dozen emails from this guy since February when I first signed up with PoF and they always sound as though it's his first time contacting me. Looks like I’m going to have to actually respond to him. I’ll just make sure to block him after I’ve sent it. If I’ve learned anything from the past, it’s that any response (even negative ones) can be misconstrued as open invitations to converse. I’m. Just. Not. Interested. And I don’t see that changing…EVER.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I chose not to mention all the hideous spelling and bad grammar but rest assured I noticed all of it. I’m not sure what it is about emailing somebody through an online dating site that turns people into insta-tards but one would think if that’s the first impression you are going to be making at least TRY and spell half way decently. Especially if you are claiming to be a writer, a business owner, an EXECUTIVE, etc….and spare me your shortcut emails and ghetto lingo.
Monday, November 9, 2009
TB Anyone?
I’m happy to report that I may have picked up a job…FINALLY. It’s a part time job, but a job none the less. Thanks to Mr. Creepy High School Science Teacher Guy. He runs a program that tutors underprivileged children. So, as excited as I am to finally get a chance to make a couple of bucks, there’s one glaring problem. The job includes tutoring children. Oh well, say la vie.
In order to begin my new adventure I was informed that I would need to take a TB test and a Livescan (fingerprinting) before starting. Imagine my surprise and dismay at hearing this news. I mean, who has TB anymore? Really? Naturally, I don’t have health insurance so Mr. Creepy’s secretary referred me to a free clinic that could take care of this for me. She also took pity on me and sent me the $20 it would take to get the fingerprinting done. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong.
Text Convo to my best bud:
Me: I have 1/8th tank of gas and $14. I still have to ship that scarf AND drive to Glendale for the TB testing and Livescan AND drive to training for the tutoring in San Fernando tomorrow.
Me: AND they only sent me $20 for the Livescan. The one they want costs $25. So basically now I have 1/8th tank of gas and $9. Awesome.
B: Your shot 4 TB is free rite??? It’s never ending, huh?
Me: Yes. Well, I’m off. Gonna do as much as I can b4 running out of money. Just pray that I don’t have to pay for parking anywhere!
B: Good luck!
15 minutes later…
Me: Apparently 1/8th was being generous. My car is on E sitting in traffic. Great.
10 minutes later…
Me: I’m using my laundry coins for parking. I hate Glendale. I’d rather have herpes than come to this shithole.
B: Do u ever use coins 2 put gas in the car?
Me: I’m parked a block away so I didn’t have to park in the garage and my flip flops have a hole in the heel. I can’t even afford a $2 pair of flip flops!
20 minutes later…
Me: Damn. I’m done with the fingerprinting but can’t hit the clinic for another hour. Ugh.
Me: I am parked in front of the Glendale PD. Guess I could just wait here and pray for a cute cop to walk by.
B: U got a license? And insurance? B careful!
Me: I’ve got insurance. License is questionable. My reg is expired tho
B: Geesh! Hang in there
One hour later in the free clinic parking lot…
Me: I guess I’m not the only one struggling. The car next to me has a screwdriver shoved in the door to open it.
Me: Ok, I’m off to be ghetto fabulous in this back alley free clinic! Ego…bye bye!
B: B careful!
5 minutes later…
Me: OMG! This is sooooo ghetto!
Me: If I didn’t have the swine flu virus b4 now I’m sure I’m going to be leaving with it
Me: And I’m going to be here a while. This fucking sucks
B: People sick in there? Gross!
Me: Oh gawd! I’ve heard 2 sneezes. I’m gonna die
B: Ugh, don’t touch anything!
Me: I’m. Not. Happy. AT ALL!
Me: A guy just walked in with a mask on coughing. I can’t believe I’m here. I’m not even sick! But I will be after this shit. I’m pissed!
Me: Get me the fuck out of here! That’s it…my last 9 dollars r going towards a pack of cigarettes
B: U ran?
Me: No, I’m sure I’m already infected with the death virus. I want to run tho.
B: Haha, I don’t blame you!
Me: I’m seriously fucking grossed out. And the worst part? That I have to come back in 2 days to get the results.
Me: Doesn’t being positive for the swine flu negate the fact that I’m going to be negative for TB? Just wondering…
B: Good point
Me: I think I’m already getting a headache! It worked fast! I’m already dying!
Me: Somebody just sneezed then somebody burped. Fucking gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B: Ok, you’re making me laugh. Please stop! I’m bustin up! HAHA
Me: OMG! If these bitches mispronounce my name I’m killing somebody…
Me: Great, I just got scoped by the fucking masked sick man
Me: Oh, I’m up! BRB
10 minutes later...
Me: All they did was take my blood pressure. I told them I was perfectly healthy…for NOW. Some bitch tried to tape me!
B: Tape you?
Me: Looks like they are doing some documentary. She asked if they could tape taking my blood pressure. I told them no. I didn’t come here to be a star.
Me: I think I have lice now
Me: And the flesh eating virus
B: Ummmmm, not fun
Me: Ms. Documentary is killing me
B: Why?
Me: Bcuz now her perky ass is back in the waiting room with me asking if she can talk to people on camera
Me: This is truly ridiculous. My body is being infiltrated by germs. I can feel it!
B: I bet! Is it crowded?
Me: About 50 people.
Me: Have you ever noticed you never see good looking people in places like this? I’m too fucking pretty to be here damnit!
B: U r rite! U shouldn’t be there!
Me: Oh! My turn again! I’ll keep you posted!
5 minutes later…
Me: OMG! Spielberg is back! She’s following me, I just know it! OMG AGAIN! The doc says that he may not be able to give me the TB test…he’s checking with somebody else…
B: Good luck with that
2 minutes later…
Me: U r gonna love this. They don’t test for TB here. Mr. Creepy’s secretary is the one who sent me here! 2 hours and the swine flu later…
B: Lice and flesh eating disease 2
Me: I’m fucking livid
B: O I’m sure
Me: u know, I could have gotten a livescan done 2 blocks from my house but I went to Glendale cuz that’s where the clinic was. I wasted my time, gas and money. Fuck!
Me: and now I’m probably infected with God knows what. I don’t know if I should cry or stab somebody.
Let me be clear here. I did tell the incompetent idiots at the clinic why I was there WHEN I got there. But apparently, they felt it necessary to wait until I was fully saturated with the pig bug before looking at me blankly in the eye and referring me out to another clinic. Which, at that time of evening was closed. So yes, another trip to beautiful Glendale was in my future.
The next day…
As if the back alley free clinic wasn’t bad enough, the place I was referred to was an STD clinic and the TB test would cost me $5. Considering I had $9 left to my name and no gas, they may as well have told me the test ran $500. But I tried to look at the bigger picture. I made my way back down to Glendale and…wait for it…wait for it…got turned away. They already had their quota of diseased folk for the day waiting to see the doc.
Soooooo, not only did I catch the deathbug and headlice from the free clinic the night before but now I probably have syphilis too. Fuck you very much. But all is not lost. I talked to Mr. Creepy and told him I would NOT be going back to STD Central. He offered to pay for me to see a private doctor and get the testing done there. I called and my appointment is two days from now. Word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated note, I have three dating disaster…ah er…potentials I’ve been working on since last week. I’ll keep you posted…
In order to begin my new adventure I was informed that I would need to take a TB test and a Livescan (fingerprinting) before starting. Imagine my surprise and dismay at hearing this news. I mean, who has TB anymore? Really? Naturally, I don’t have health insurance so Mr. Creepy’s secretary referred me to a free clinic that could take care of this for me. She also took pity on me and sent me the $20 it would take to get the fingerprinting done. Sounds easy enough, right? Wrong.
Text Convo to my best bud:
Me: I have 1/8th tank of gas and $14. I still have to ship that scarf AND drive to Glendale for the TB testing and Livescan AND drive to training for the tutoring in San Fernando tomorrow.
Me: AND they only sent me $20 for the Livescan. The one they want costs $25. So basically now I have 1/8th tank of gas and $9. Awesome.
B: Your shot 4 TB is free rite??? It’s never ending, huh?
Me: Yes. Well, I’m off. Gonna do as much as I can b4 running out of money. Just pray that I don’t have to pay for parking anywhere!
B: Good luck!
15 minutes later…
Me: Apparently 1/8th was being generous. My car is on E sitting in traffic. Great.
10 minutes later…
Me: I’m using my laundry coins for parking. I hate Glendale. I’d rather have herpes than come to this shithole.
B: Do u ever use coins 2 put gas in the car?
Me: I’m parked a block away so I didn’t have to park in the garage and my flip flops have a hole in the heel. I can’t even afford a $2 pair of flip flops!
20 minutes later…
Me: Damn. I’m done with the fingerprinting but can’t hit the clinic for another hour. Ugh.
Me: I am parked in front of the Glendale PD. Guess I could just wait here and pray for a cute cop to walk by.
B: U got a license? And insurance? B careful!
Me: I’ve got insurance. License is questionable. My reg is expired tho
B: Geesh! Hang in there
One hour later in the free clinic parking lot…
Me: I guess I’m not the only one struggling. The car next to me has a screwdriver shoved in the door to open it.
Me: Ok, I’m off to be ghetto fabulous in this back alley free clinic! Ego…bye bye!
B: B careful!
5 minutes later…
Me: OMG! This is sooooo ghetto!
Me: If I didn’t have the swine flu virus b4 now I’m sure I’m going to be leaving with it
Me: And I’m going to be here a while. This fucking sucks
B: People sick in there? Gross!
Me: Oh gawd! I’ve heard 2 sneezes. I’m gonna die
B: Ugh, don’t touch anything!
Me: I’m. Not. Happy. AT ALL!
Me: A guy just walked in with a mask on coughing. I can’t believe I’m here. I’m not even sick! But I will be after this shit. I’m pissed!
Me: Get me the fuck out of here! That’s it…my last 9 dollars r going towards a pack of cigarettes
B: U ran?
Me: No, I’m sure I’m already infected with the death virus. I want to run tho.
B: Haha, I don’t blame you!
Me: I’m seriously fucking grossed out. And the worst part? That I have to come back in 2 days to get the results.
Me: Doesn’t being positive for the swine flu negate the fact that I’m going to be negative for TB? Just wondering…
B: Good point
Me: I think I’m already getting a headache! It worked fast! I’m already dying!
Me: Somebody just sneezed then somebody burped. Fucking gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
B: Ok, you’re making me laugh. Please stop! I’m bustin up! HAHA
Me: OMG! If these bitches mispronounce my name I’m killing somebody…
Me: Great, I just got scoped by the fucking masked sick man
Me: Oh, I’m up! BRB
10 minutes later...
Me: All they did was take my blood pressure. I told them I was perfectly healthy…for NOW. Some bitch tried to tape me!
B: Tape you?
Me: Looks like they are doing some documentary. She asked if they could tape taking my blood pressure. I told them no. I didn’t come here to be a star.
Me: I think I have lice now
Me: And the flesh eating virus
B: Ummmmm, not fun
Me: Ms. Documentary is killing me
B: Why?
Me: Bcuz now her perky ass is back in the waiting room with me asking if she can talk to people on camera
Me: This is truly ridiculous. My body is being infiltrated by germs. I can feel it!
B: I bet! Is it crowded?
Me: About 50 people.
Me: Have you ever noticed you never see good looking people in places like this? I’m too fucking pretty to be here damnit!
B: U r rite! U shouldn’t be there!
Me: Oh! My turn again! I’ll keep you posted!
5 minutes later…
Me: OMG! Spielberg is back! She’s following me, I just know it! OMG AGAIN! The doc says that he may not be able to give me the TB test…he’s checking with somebody else…
B: Good luck with that
2 minutes later…
Me: U r gonna love this. They don’t test for TB here. Mr. Creepy’s secretary is the one who sent me here! 2 hours and the swine flu later…
B: Lice and flesh eating disease 2
Me: I’m fucking livid
B: O I’m sure
Me: u know, I could have gotten a livescan done 2 blocks from my house but I went to Glendale cuz that’s where the clinic was. I wasted my time, gas and money. Fuck!
Me: and now I’m probably infected with God knows what. I don’t know if I should cry or stab somebody.
Let me be clear here. I did tell the incompetent idiots at the clinic why I was there WHEN I got there. But apparently, they felt it necessary to wait until I was fully saturated with the pig bug before looking at me blankly in the eye and referring me out to another clinic. Which, at that time of evening was closed. So yes, another trip to beautiful Glendale was in my future.
The next day…
As if the back alley free clinic wasn’t bad enough, the place I was referred to was an STD clinic and the TB test would cost me $5. Considering I had $9 left to my name and no gas, they may as well have told me the test ran $500. But I tried to look at the bigger picture. I made my way back down to Glendale and…wait for it…wait for it…got turned away. They already had their quota of diseased folk for the day waiting to see the doc.
Soooooo, not only did I catch the deathbug and headlice from the free clinic the night before but now I probably have syphilis too. Fuck you very much. But all is not lost. I talked to Mr. Creepy and told him I would NOT be going back to STD Central. He offered to pay for me to see a private doctor and get the testing done there. I called and my appointment is two days from now. Word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On a completely unrelated note, I have three dating disaster…ah er…potentials I’ve been working on since last week. I’ll keep you posted…
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
And THIS is why I'M still single...
Ok, before I continue on with my latest entry I want to take a moment to thank everyone for the wonderful and kind words in regards to my last post. As much as I try to stay out of that “dark place” sometimes I can’t help but be enveloped by it. I’m feeling much better now and as much as I tried not to write about it I do feel a lot better after having done so and after being reminded once again that I am not alone.
That being said, don’t tell anyone I have a soft side. I wouldn’t want it to ruin my streetcred. Now, on to shamelessly making fun of others. I happily present to you this weeks Plentyoffish.com’s emails:
Subject: So I don’t meet all your criteria…
...but I figured I would message you anyway.
I am sure you are getting hit on by tons of creeps and weirdos - that's to be expected. My guess is that you are looking for someone who is nothing more than a boy toy - basically a walking, talking dildo.
OK - well if that's what you want, then good luck.
But if you want someone who has a somewhat more intellectual view of sex - who has studied it and understands in ways that most men never do - then you should message me back and we can talk.
I live in Sherman Oaks - so all you would be risking is maybe an hour for a drink.
Let me know if you are interested.
Cheers,
Elan
**I will not be meeting Elan. Why? The main reason is because he’s “recently separated”. Sorry, but I don’t date men that are married. Secondly, he’s got a baby mama. He SAYS they get along and that there is no drama. I’ll believe that the recession is ending tomorrow before I believe that line of B.S. Thirdly, he’s Canadian. Just kidding! Thirdly, he also says he’s 5’10” which means he’s a good 5’8” (I’m 5’9” so that won’t work) and his beard rivals Santa’s. Next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello. name's Eric. read your profile and i thought i would say hi. just curious.... are for real? it just seem you're a little raw... not that it bothers me. just saying
**I won’t be going out with Eric either. Not because of anything that he said but because of his pictures. His smile screams to me “GAY”. I love my gays and my roommate is gay so nobody can accuse me of being a homophobe but in one of his pictures he’s actually trying to deepthroat a sushi roll…need I say more?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you gone let me tear that ass out the frame
**Just in case you guys aren’t sure what I’m thinking, I will not be going out with this guy. A-W) His email??? Hello? X) He lives in South Carolina. Y) He’s 21 years old. Z) He looks like Chance from Real Chance of Love on VH-1.
Just for kicks let me share his profile bio:
“My name is Rashaud but they call me Shaud. I'm real laidback and a real person. I don't lie and I'm humble. I joined this as a joke but if you want to hit me up I will respond.Real recognize real.”
**Uhm, no thank you. NEXT…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
u r BEAUTIFUL!
**u r LAME! He also recently started running and is looking for someone to go to church with. Sorry, but I’m not that girl…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: G
wasup sexy
When I didn’t respond he emailed me a few minutes later:
why are you being mean?
**Aside from the fact that he’s 5’7” his pictures look like he’s a Russian gangster and the medallion he’s sporting on his hairy chest (yep, he included a no shirt pic) would make Michael Phelps jealous. He says he’s looking for “Long Term” but he has literally nothing else filled out. Under Profession he put “N/A”. That’s probably because “Russian Mob” wasn’t under the list of options.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the most creepy email of them all…
First of all, you are not a mess, as you say, you are just a "Sagg", which means, that;s the nature of the beast. So we are part man, part horse. Simply put, we are horses asses half the time, right?From the very first word of your profile, I understood you. Loud and clear. Scarey isn't it? How many men used that as an opening line to get in your pants and really meant it? Idon't know if you are familiar with the zodiac signs or if you even believe in them. I do not profess to have any great knowledge of them myself but it has interested me enough to crack open a book on the subject from time to time.For instance. It is a scientific fact that the moon has a great impact on our oceans. Their tides, high and low, depending on the phase of the moon at the time. So, if that be true, why wouldn't the other planets in our solar system have some sort of impact on us. It's not designed to fortale our future but more to understand where each of us are coming from.Now, you and I and about 4 gazillion other people share the same birth sign, saggitarius, right. It is considered a fire sign. Now what happens when you build two fires and you put them together? It gets H-O-T, HOT. Passionate, sweaty, blazing hot. In everything we do. And we are able to understand each other more so than any other sign. That too is the nature of the beast.So, I suggest we start a couple of fires and see what kind of blaze we can ignite. How does that sound?
**It wasn’t the email that creeped me out as much as who wrote it. Albeit, the email was a bit strange. The author of this piece of work is 46 year old fellow Sagittarius looking for an “Intimate Encounter” and someone “whose appetite for sex meets or exceeds my own”. And lets just say that time has not been kind to him. He looks like somebody’s bald grandpa. He was also nice enough to include a picture of him in a wife-beater tank top. All that glorious old man skin showing. Awesome. No, I will not be starting “a couple of fires to see what kind of blaze we can ignite”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI BEAUTIFUL LETS HOOK UP. LOL
**NO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I even got emailed from a girl…
Subject: Sorry to bother you…
but I was just checking out the competition & your profile is AMAZING!!!!! Clearly the best read I've had in forever. Just wanted to thank you!
**This amused me and truth be told, she’s better looking than 99.9% of the men that email me on here. Too bad I don’t play for that team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was left out when it said non drinker because i don't drink.. but i also don't pass judgement on those who do....But the fact that you want a virgin with no ex girlfriends... figure if you can have wishful thinking for that i can have wishful thinking that you'll actually reply to this message... only time will tell cause after all the whole looks things (full dark hair.... how about a full dark head)
Here’s his profile:
I'm pretty laid back. I work hard through out the week so when I have free time I like to do things that keep my mind free and a smile on my face. I've only meet one girl from this site and we ended up becoming close friends and thats why I haven't been on here.... But now she has a boyfriend so i figured i'd come back and meet someone else new and interesting.
**This is the guy that is every girls “Best” friend that she never wants to date. I had that feeling by looking at the pictures long before I even had a chance to read his bio. No, I won’t be going out with him either. Next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: I usually don’t…
sport wood reading profiles, but I guess yours is a somewhat different...
He’s involved in the Entertainment Industry and wrote this in his profile bio:
"Interested in somebody that has the potential to grow in a relationship. I like to have fun, live life to the fullest, I don't get scared easy, and I want to be with somebody who knows how to laugh and avoid the drama or take it on and still laugh at it."
**He listed approximately four profile clichés. For that reason alone I will not go out with him. And he has a cheesy smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
interesting profile.... can i ask you something personal?
hi..... enjoyed your honesty... you live somewhat nearby, i prefer curves, etc.. like what i see and hear/ do you like very well endowed men?
**NEXT!!!
That being said, don’t tell anyone I have a soft side. I wouldn’t want it to ruin my streetcred. Now, on to shamelessly making fun of others. I happily present to you this weeks Plentyoffish.com’s emails:
Subject: So I don’t meet all your criteria…
...but I figured I would message you anyway.
I am sure you are getting hit on by tons of creeps and weirdos - that's to be expected. My guess is that you are looking for someone who is nothing more than a boy toy - basically a walking, talking dildo.
OK - well if that's what you want, then good luck.
But if you want someone who has a somewhat more intellectual view of sex - who has studied it and understands in ways that most men never do - then you should message me back and we can talk.
I live in Sherman Oaks - so all you would be risking is maybe an hour for a drink.
Let me know if you are interested.
Cheers,
Elan
**I will not be meeting Elan. Why? The main reason is because he’s “recently separated”. Sorry, but I don’t date men that are married. Secondly, he’s got a baby mama. He SAYS they get along and that there is no drama. I’ll believe that the recession is ending tomorrow before I believe that line of B.S. Thirdly, he’s Canadian. Just kidding! Thirdly, he also says he’s 5’10” which means he’s a good 5’8” (I’m 5’9” so that won’t work) and his beard rivals Santa’s. Next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
hello. name's Eric. read your profile and i thought i would say hi. just curious.... are for real? it just seem you're a little raw... not that it bothers me. just saying
**I won’t be going out with Eric either. Not because of anything that he said but because of his pictures. His smile screams to me “GAY”. I love my gays and my roommate is gay so nobody can accuse me of being a homophobe but in one of his pictures he’s actually trying to deepthroat a sushi roll…need I say more?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When you gone let me tear that ass out the frame
**Just in case you guys aren’t sure what I’m thinking, I will not be going out with this guy. A-W) His email??? Hello? X) He lives in South Carolina. Y) He’s 21 years old. Z) He looks like Chance from Real Chance of Love on VH-1.
Just for kicks let me share his profile bio:
“My name is Rashaud but they call me Shaud. I'm real laidback and a real person. I don't lie and I'm humble. I joined this as a joke but if you want to hit me up I will respond.Real recognize real.”
**Uhm, no thank you. NEXT…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
u r BEAUTIFUL!
**u r LAME! He also recently started running and is looking for someone to go to church with. Sorry, but I’m not that girl…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: G
wasup sexy
When I didn’t respond he emailed me a few minutes later:
why are you being mean?
**Aside from the fact that he’s 5’7” his pictures look like he’s a Russian gangster and the medallion he’s sporting on his hairy chest (yep, he included a no shirt pic) would make Michael Phelps jealous. He says he’s looking for “Long Term” but he has literally nothing else filled out. Under Profession he put “N/A”. That’s probably because “Russian Mob” wasn’t under the list of options.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And the most creepy email of them all…
First of all, you are not a mess, as you say, you are just a "Sagg", which means, that;s the nature of the beast. So we are part man, part horse. Simply put, we are horses asses half the time, right?From the very first word of your profile, I understood you. Loud and clear. Scarey isn't it? How many men used that as an opening line to get in your pants and really meant it? Idon't know if you are familiar with the zodiac signs or if you even believe in them. I do not profess to have any great knowledge of them myself but it has interested me enough to crack open a book on the subject from time to time.For instance. It is a scientific fact that the moon has a great impact on our oceans. Their tides, high and low, depending on the phase of the moon at the time. So, if that be true, why wouldn't the other planets in our solar system have some sort of impact on us. It's not designed to fortale our future but more to understand where each of us are coming from.Now, you and I and about 4 gazillion other people share the same birth sign, saggitarius, right. It is considered a fire sign. Now what happens when you build two fires and you put them together? It gets H-O-T, HOT. Passionate, sweaty, blazing hot. In everything we do. And we are able to understand each other more so than any other sign. That too is the nature of the beast.So, I suggest we start a couple of fires and see what kind of blaze we can ignite. How does that sound?
**It wasn’t the email that creeped me out as much as who wrote it. Albeit, the email was a bit strange. The author of this piece of work is 46 year old fellow Sagittarius looking for an “Intimate Encounter” and someone “whose appetite for sex meets or exceeds my own”. And lets just say that time has not been kind to him. He looks like somebody’s bald grandpa. He was also nice enough to include a picture of him in a wife-beater tank top. All that glorious old man skin showing. Awesome. No, I will not be starting “a couple of fires to see what kind of blaze we can ignite”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HI BEAUTIFUL LETS HOOK UP. LOL
**NO
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I even got emailed from a girl…
Subject: Sorry to bother you…
but I was just checking out the competition & your profile is AMAZING!!!!! Clearly the best read I've had in forever. Just wanted to thank you!
**This amused me and truth be told, she’s better looking than 99.9% of the men that email me on here. Too bad I don’t play for that team.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was left out when it said non drinker because i don't drink.. but i also don't pass judgement on those who do....But the fact that you want a virgin with no ex girlfriends... figure if you can have wishful thinking for that i can have wishful thinking that you'll actually reply to this message... only time will tell cause after all the whole looks things (full dark hair.... how about a full dark head)
Here’s his profile:
I'm pretty laid back. I work hard through out the week so when I have free time I like to do things that keep my mind free and a smile on my face. I've only meet one girl from this site and we ended up becoming close friends and thats why I haven't been on here.... But now she has a boyfriend so i figured i'd come back and meet someone else new and interesting.
**This is the guy that is every girls “Best” friend that she never wants to date. I had that feeling by looking at the pictures long before I even had a chance to read his bio. No, I won’t be going out with him either. Next…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject: I usually don’t…
sport wood reading profiles, but I guess yours is a somewhat different...
He’s involved in the Entertainment Industry and wrote this in his profile bio:
"Interested in somebody that has the potential to grow in a relationship. I like to have fun, live life to the fullest, I don't get scared easy, and I want to be with somebody who knows how to laugh and avoid the drama or take it on and still laugh at it."
**He listed approximately four profile clichés. For that reason alone I will not go out with him. And he has a cheesy smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
interesting profile.... can i ask you something personal?
hi..... enjoyed your honesty... you live somewhat nearby, i prefer curves, etc.. like what i see and hear/ do you like very well endowed men?
**NEXT!!!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Creepy Married High School Swinger Guy
For this particular blog post, I’m just going to let my Facebook entries and Instant Messages to my friend, D, explain it all. For the record, I went to high school with creepy married guy.
My FB Status:
“FB update #125 for the day...if someone has to purchase 2 plane tickets due to a large bottom, shouldn't they be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Just wondering...”
Here are the comments that followed:
Creep: If a girl with big breasts works at Hooters, shouldn't someone with one leg work at I-HOP?
Me: Touche! Nice comeback young grasshopper
Creep: It appears that the teacher has now become the student!
Me: Its ok, I just quit my job at Hooters and was looking for something to occupy my time
Apparently, he didn’t catch my attempt at humor because shortly after my response I got this email from the creep:
“Did you find anything interesting to take your mind off of walking around in your small Hooters shirt?”
Realizing that he was an idiot, I didn’t respond.
Three weeks later while IMing with my buddy, D, Mr. Creepy infiltrated my peaceful existence once more:
Me: I've got some retard trying to school me in humor...he's losing poorly
D: lol
Me: he's a retard and the kind of funny where he actually TELLS you he's funny. Uh newsflash...you are a moron!
D: HAHAHAHAAH tell it like it is girl!!!
Me: you know, if you have to tell someone that you are funny.....
D: then you really are not
Me: Bingo!
Me: and the high school NOTfunny guy is married
Me: so now I have creepy science teacher guy AND creepy married guy that’s not funny trying to bother me at the same time. I’m being instant message molested by the perverts from my youth!
D: oh great, why is he bugging you then?
Me: OH GAWD!!! Science teacher just told me he's never had a problem getting women....
Me: DUDE!!!! He just busted out the "I'm Rich" card...wow, he really put it out there!
D: of course, because all he talks about first is about how much money he's got
Me: yup. see I told you! I’m a weirdo magnet
D: oh man I can't wait to read THAT story
Me: I seriously can't believe this is happening...oh wait, this is me...YES I CAN
Me: married guy just told me my confidence is sexy...wtf???
D: creep!!!!
Me: ACK! He just said he's hot and bothered! Well, go fuck your wife then! Seriously, WHAT. IS. UP???
D: yeah no shit!!
Me: I'm seriously laughing in my head....see, I don't even have to do anything and the crazies seek me out
Me: totally entertaining though
D: hell yeah it is
Me: I just told him it was a good thing he had a WIFE to help him take care of those urges
D: good
Me: FUCK! He just told me that they are always looking for OTHERS TO PRACTICE WITH!!!!
Me: I need to log off from facebook...like yesterday!
D: oh boy.. swingers...nice
Me: now, creepy swinger married guy just told me "I think you're hot and I don't mind saying it. I have no shame"....nope, apparently not. Although, by the looks of the pics of his wife, I can TOTALLY see why he's hitting on me
D: OMG you are a trip
Me: wow, creepy swinger just threw it out there too...asked me what I thought of his pictures and if I’d be interested in meeting up with him. love the subtlety
D: I can't wait to hear how you let this one down
D: or tell him off
Me: I think I'm gonna play with him for a while then break his ego by telling him I'm only into black guys and 10" dicks
D: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: apparently I'm just too sexy to resist now
Me: I can't blame him of course
D: of course
Me: I’m weirded out about creepy married swinger guy. It's been my past experience that most men that brag about being "the best" in bed are usually the worst
Me: I told the guy flat out that I didn't dig doing other women’s men...that I didn't need their leftovers
Me: didn't stop him from trying
D: of course not, because guys don't know the meaning of "NO"
Me: it's the egos that get me
Me: he's not exactly George Clooney and his confidence is annoying, not endearing
Me: uh oh, I see the redhead is online...Gotta GO!
Basically, what I ended up doing with creepy married swinger guy was telling him I wasn’t interested in playing with him or his wife. It was then that he informed me that all women should get a chance to see a perfect penis once in their lives. I told him that I had in fact seen a perfect penis and that that perfect penis lives two doors down and ISN’T MARRIED! Buh Bye!
My FB Status:
“FB update #125 for the day...if someone has to purchase 2 plane tickets due to a large bottom, shouldn't they be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Just wondering...”
Here are the comments that followed:
Creep: If a girl with big breasts works at Hooters, shouldn't someone with one leg work at I-HOP?
Me: Touche! Nice comeback young grasshopper
Creep: It appears that the teacher has now become the student!
Me: Its ok, I just quit my job at Hooters and was looking for something to occupy my time
Apparently, he didn’t catch my attempt at humor because shortly after my response I got this email from the creep:
“Did you find anything interesting to take your mind off of walking around in your small Hooters shirt?”
Realizing that he was an idiot, I didn’t respond.
Three weeks later while IMing with my buddy, D, Mr. Creepy infiltrated my peaceful existence once more:
Me: I've got some retard trying to school me in humor...he's losing poorly
D: lol
Me: he's a retard and the kind of funny where he actually TELLS you he's funny. Uh newsflash...you are a moron!
D: HAHAHAHAAH tell it like it is girl!!!
Me: you know, if you have to tell someone that you are funny.....
D: then you really are not
Me: Bingo!
Me: and the high school NOTfunny guy is married
Me: so now I have creepy science teacher guy AND creepy married guy that’s not funny trying to bother me at the same time. I’m being instant message molested by the perverts from my youth!
D: oh great, why is he bugging you then?
Me: OH GAWD!!! Science teacher just told me he's never had a problem getting women....
Me: DUDE!!!! He just busted out the "I'm Rich" card...wow, he really put it out there!
D: of course, because all he talks about first is about how much money he's got
Me: yup. see I told you! I’m a weirdo magnet
D: oh man I can't wait to read THAT story
Me: I seriously can't believe this is happening...oh wait, this is me...YES I CAN
Me: married guy just told me my confidence is sexy...wtf???
D: creep!!!!
Me: ACK! He just said he's hot and bothered! Well, go fuck your wife then! Seriously, WHAT. IS. UP???
D: yeah no shit!!
Me: I'm seriously laughing in my head....see, I don't even have to do anything and the crazies seek me out
Me: totally entertaining though
D: hell yeah it is
Me: I just told him it was a good thing he had a WIFE to help him take care of those urges
D: good
Me: FUCK! He just told me that they are always looking for OTHERS TO PRACTICE WITH!!!!
Me: I need to log off from facebook...like yesterday!
D: oh boy.. swingers...nice
Me: now, creepy swinger married guy just told me "I think you're hot and I don't mind saying it. I have no shame"....nope, apparently not. Although, by the looks of the pics of his wife, I can TOTALLY see why he's hitting on me
D: OMG you are a trip
Me: wow, creepy swinger just threw it out there too...asked me what I thought of his pictures and if I’d be interested in meeting up with him. love the subtlety
D: I can't wait to hear how you let this one down
D: or tell him off
Me: I think I'm gonna play with him for a while then break his ego by telling him I'm only into black guys and 10" dicks
D: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: apparently I'm just too sexy to resist now
Me: I can't blame him of course
D: of course
Me: I’m weirded out about creepy married swinger guy. It's been my past experience that most men that brag about being "the best" in bed are usually the worst
Me: I told the guy flat out that I didn't dig doing other women’s men...that I didn't need their leftovers
Me: didn't stop him from trying
D: of course not, because guys don't know the meaning of "NO"
Me: it's the egos that get me
Me: he's not exactly George Clooney and his confidence is annoying, not endearing
Me: uh oh, I see the redhead is online...Gotta GO!
Basically, what I ended up doing with creepy married swinger guy was telling him I wasn’t interested in playing with him or his wife. It was then that he informed me that all women should get a chance to see a perfect penis once in their lives. I told him that I had in fact seen a perfect penis and that that perfect penis lives two doors down and ISN’T MARRIED! Buh Bye!
Friday, September 25, 2009
Chris Hansen...Where You At?
Text to my BFF:
Me (8:17pm): Yesterdays recap. Was told I make my HS science teacher inappropriately “happy” cuz I’m sexy, asked to “practice” in bed by a guy I went to school with bcuz he and his wife are swingers, rcv’d multiple texts from a pimp (another story for another day), and had my blog posted on a porn site to help with donations (Thanks, D! XOXO). I’ve only been up since 10am.
Me: Oh, and I had spaghetti for dinner.
BFF: I’m exhausted just listening to you!
This is my motto, “Go Big or Go Home” but even I have my limitations. Yet Tuesday proved to me that it is possible to have two full moons, during the day, on Earth. Considering that I’m not working at the moment, have no specific love interest to occupy my time and have decided to lay low from the internet dating scene I still seem to have a plethora of things to keep my mind a’ buzzin.
Allow me to elaborate:
I’ve decided that it’s time that Facebook and I either need to sit and have it out or it’s best that we part ways. If I’m not constantly being bombarded by the 100% happy 100% of the time soccer moms then I’m being annoyed with the people that post status updates thinking they are funny when they clearly are not. Anyone that has kept up with my blog should already be aware of the feelings I have towards Facebook and my tendency to consider it a necessary evil of sorts. It allows me to cyber stalk yet still makes me feel unworthy.
I didn’t think much of it when I received an email and a Friend Request from my old 8th grade science teacher saying that I was one of his favorite students. I mean really, how could I not be? I was filled with warm memories of the goofy looking, younger than most science teacher with a pregnant wife at home. He was funny and probably the only reason I know anything at all about genetics. Unfortunately, I’m sometimes horrible about returning emails so I just accepted his Friend Request and called it a day.
Fast forward 20 days and me posting something about a bumblebee stalking me on my balconette (also referred to as my mini balcony) and I received yet another email from soon to be apparent Mr. Should be on “To Catch a Predator” creepy high school teacher guy. This is what I got…
”HA! Quit putting sexy pictures on your site and you won't be stalked! Although the bumblebee threw me... besides i like your pictures and comments”
Ok….EEW! Ignoring my gut, I actually responded to this email. Having a tendency to over think and often times overreact, I figured that this must be one of those times. Considering all the time I’ve had on my hands lately, it is entirely plausible that I may have misinterpreted his innocent remarks as a come on. Plus, I happen to think I’m quite adorable and therefore almost expect to hear it from most people. I’m not sure if my ego is so high that I expect flattery or so low that I need it. Whatever the case, I’ve got a great rack and this is a fact.
I felt my response was pretty innocuous and innocent:
"Hey Mr. Smith! Or is it Steven now? Even at 31 I still feel the need to address you by Mister! How about a compramise? Mr. S?
So, where are you teaching at these days? If I remember correctly, I heard a few years back that you were no longer teaching at LC. Those students are definitely missing out. The first thought that came to my mind when I got your "Friend Request" a few weeks ago was you having a discussion about Evolution v. Creation with Jane Doe. I thought that was well played, Mr. S! HA (Jane, btw, just contacted me a few months ago to get back in touch. She's now Jane Doe-Doe if you care to add her as well). Funny thing, this Facebook...
Your daughters are beautiful. If I also remember correctly, wasn't your wife pregnant at the time I had you as a teacher. My father always used to warn me that the older I got the faster time would pass. I hate to admit it but he's right. Hm, mental note, tell the pops he was right. He'll love that!"
The very next day I got this back:
"How about Steve?!I'm not a teacher anymore. I'm in the education business now- tutoring, afterschool programs, office and school supplies, books, games, all kinds of stuff- if you're interested, go to my profile and check my profile for websites.
It's weird after living month to month on a teachers check, now it's a little different. I live on 20 acres in Santa Clarita ( Sand Canyon), a house on the beach in SanDiego and a house at Lake Tahoe. I make more in a day than I did in a year of teaching.
But the best thing is how precious my daughters are. They are my life. They have to be, as my wife is a raging alcoholic and we're separating-I have to keep her from my girls, who she keeps deserting.
Sorry for that last paragraph, but I'm right in the middle of it right now.You seem really happy and I love reading your posts. Yes I did look at all your pics and tried to tilt the screen down...lol I'm 48, not dead!
I looked up a bunch of LC kids when the fires were happening. I'm glad I did. I've gotten a lot of wonderful letters.Keep in touch."
Wow! Just Wow! So I was right! He was hitting on me and he is a pervert. Was anyone else completely caught off guard when he went into the small tangent about his wife being a raging alcoholic? I also can appreciate the way he threw out that he’s now wealthy. But, I guess when you are a 48 year old, almost divorcee with an alcoholic wife, have four daughters, are short, fat and ugly you need some sort of selling point. There just seems to be something so intrinsically wrong with a teacher hitting on a student when the last time they had any contact was when the student was 13 years old.
So, what did I do with that information? Well, I asked him for a fucking job. I know what you are thinking and to that I say WHAT-EVER! (Shameless plug #1…buy my shit and help a girl out). I should have known right then and there that was a mistake and honestly, I did, but if this guy has so much money and is clearly in need of an Administrative Goddess then why not share the wealth? Ok, maybe he doesn’t need a secretary but just in case he does I wanted to make sure he knew I was available. I’m working all angles and leaving no stone unturned.
Instead of emailing me back, the moment I logged onto my Facebook I was accosted by Mr. High School Teaching Pervert via instant message.
“hey to be clear, i haven't flirted with anyone in 17 years. I believe in honor and loyalty and that stuff, but she has deserted me and it felt good to talk to you. I hope you don't think i'm a creepy guy”
This is my thinking, if somebody has to tell you they are not creepy, guess what? They ARE!!!! With that, began the downward spiral of inappropriate innuendos and propositions on the part of the teacher. I’m not particularly sure what it is about me that bring out the crazies but I need to go wash my forehead just in case I have written in permanent marker “Hey crazies, come bug me and PLEASE start telling me how hard my pictures make your cock.” Since when did phrases like “Hello” and “How are you?” take on the meaning “I want to bend over and let you take me from behind?” Just wondering…because I think that Webster needs to update his dictionary.
As if it couldn’t get any worse, Creepy Science Teacher guy proceeded to tell me that he smoked pot. Like that was some badge of honor and he was trying to impress me with how “cool” he was now. I seriously felt as though I were in an “Afterschool Special” gone awry. When the conversation geared towards me making him “uh…happy” I’d had enough. Awkward! Discussing my old science teacher’s erection was definitely not on my agenda for the day.
P.S. One last thing, knowing my predicament, he did offer me a “loan” with “no strings attached”…
GTH: How do you know he’s not just trying to be nice?
Me: Because he’s talking about his hard on at the same time...
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
Stay tuned for Creepy Married Swinger High School Alumni guy…
Me (8:17pm): Yesterdays recap. Was told I make my HS science teacher inappropriately “happy” cuz I’m sexy, asked to “practice” in bed by a guy I went to school with bcuz he and his wife are swingers, rcv’d multiple texts from a pimp (another story for another day), and had my blog posted on a porn site to help with donations (Thanks, D! XOXO). I’ve only been up since 10am.
Me: Oh, and I had spaghetti for dinner.
BFF: I’m exhausted just listening to you!
This is my motto, “Go Big or Go Home” but even I have my limitations. Yet Tuesday proved to me that it is possible to have two full moons, during the day, on Earth. Considering that I’m not working at the moment, have no specific love interest to occupy my time and have decided to lay low from the internet dating scene I still seem to have a plethora of things to keep my mind a’ buzzin.
Allow me to elaborate:
I’ve decided that it’s time that Facebook and I either need to sit and have it out or it’s best that we part ways. If I’m not constantly being bombarded by the 100% happy 100% of the time soccer moms then I’m being annoyed with the people that post status updates thinking they are funny when they clearly are not. Anyone that has kept up with my blog should already be aware of the feelings I have towards Facebook and my tendency to consider it a necessary evil of sorts. It allows me to cyber stalk yet still makes me feel unworthy.
I didn’t think much of it when I received an email and a Friend Request from my old 8th grade science teacher saying that I was one of his favorite students. I mean really, how could I not be? I was filled with warm memories of the goofy looking, younger than most science teacher with a pregnant wife at home. He was funny and probably the only reason I know anything at all about genetics. Unfortunately, I’m sometimes horrible about returning emails so I just accepted his Friend Request and called it a day.
Fast forward 20 days and me posting something about a bumblebee stalking me on my balconette (also referred to as my mini balcony) and I received yet another email from soon to be apparent Mr. Should be on “To Catch a Predator” creepy high school teacher guy. This is what I got…
”HA! Quit putting sexy pictures on your site and you won't be stalked! Although the bumblebee threw me... besides i like your pictures and comments”
Ok….EEW! Ignoring my gut, I actually responded to this email. Having a tendency to over think and often times overreact, I figured that this must be one of those times. Considering all the time I’ve had on my hands lately, it is entirely plausible that I may have misinterpreted his innocent remarks as a come on. Plus, I happen to think I’m quite adorable and therefore almost expect to hear it from most people. I’m not sure if my ego is so high that I expect flattery or so low that I need it. Whatever the case, I’ve got a great rack and this is a fact.
I felt my response was pretty innocuous and innocent:
"Hey Mr. Smith! Or is it Steven now? Even at 31 I still feel the need to address you by Mister! How about a compramise? Mr. S?
So, where are you teaching at these days? If I remember correctly, I heard a few years back that you were no longer teaching at LC. Those students are definitely missing out. The first thought that came to my mind when I got your "Friend Request" a few weeks ago was you having a discussion about Evolution v. Creation with Jane Doe. I thought that was well played, Mr. S! HA (Jane, btw, just contacted me a few months ago to get back in touch. She's now Jane Doe-Doe if you care to add her as well). Funny thing, this Facebook...
Your daughters are beautiful. If I also remember correctly, wasn't your wife pregnant at the time I had you as a teacher. My father always used to warn me that the older I got the faster time would pass. I hate to admit it but he's right. Hm, mental note, tell the pops he was right. He'll love that!"
The very next day I got this back:
"How about Steve?!I'm not a teacher anymore. I'm in the education business now- tutoring, afterschool programs, office and school supplies, books, games, all kinds of stuff- if you're interested, go to my profile and check my profile for websites.
It's weird after living month to month on a teachers check, now it's a little different. I live on 20 acres in Santa Clarita ( Sand Canyon), a house on the beach in SanDiego and a house at Lake Tahoe. I make more in a day than I did in a year of teaching.
But the best thing is how precious my daughters are. They are my life. They have to be, as my wife is a raging alcoholic and we're separating-I have to keep her from my girls, who she keeps deserting.
Sorry for that last paragraph, but I'm right in the middle of it right now.You seem really happy and I love reading your posts. Yes I did look at all your pics and tried to tilt the screen down...lol I'm 48, not dead!
I looked up a bunch of LC kids when the fires were happening. I'm glad I did. I've gotten a lot of wonderful letters.Keep in touch."
Wow! Just Wow! So I was right! He was hitting on me and he is a pervert. Was anyone else completely caught off guard when he went into the small tangent about his wife being a raging alcoholic? I also can appreciate the way he threw out that he’s now wealthy. But, I guess when you are a 48 year old, almost divorcee with an alcoholic wife, have four daughters, are short, fat and ugly you need some sort of selling point. There just seems to be something so intrinsically wrong with a teacher hitting on a student when the last time they had any contact was when the student was 13 years old.
So, what did I do with that information? Well, I asked him for a fucking job. I know what you are thinking and to that I say WHAT-EVER! (Shameless plug #1…buy my shit and help a girl out). I should have known right then and there that was a mistake and honestly, I did, but if this guy has so much money and is clearly in need of an Administrative Goddess then why not share the wealth? Ok, maybe he doesn’t need a secretary but just in case he does I wanted to make sure he knew I was available. I’m working all angles and leaving no stone unturned.
Instead of emailing me back, the moment I logged onto my Facebook I was accosted by Mr. High School Teaching Pervert via instant message.
“hey to be clear, i haven't flirted with anyone in 17 years. I believe in honor and loyalty and that stuff, but she has deserted me and it felt good to talk to you. I hope you don't think i'm a creepy guy”
This is my thinking, if somebody has to tell you they are not creepy, guess what? They ARE!!!! With that, began the downward spiral of inappropriate innuendos and propositions on the part of the teacher. I’m not particularly sure what it is about me that bring out the crazies but I need to go wash my forehead just in case I have written in permanent marker “Hey crazies, come bug me and PLEASE start telling me how hard my pictures make your cock.” Since when did phrases like “Hello” and “How are you?” take on the meaning “I want to bend over and let you take me from behind?” Just wondering…because I think that Webster needs to update his dictionary.
As if it couldn’t get any worse, Creepy Science Teacher guy proceeded to tell me that he smoked pot. Like that was some badge of honor and he was trying to impress me with how “cool” he was now. I seriously felt as though I were in an “Afterschool Special” gone awry. When the conversation geared towards me making him “uh…happy” I’d had enough. Awkward! Discussing my old science teacher’s erection was definitely not on my agenda for the day.
P.S. One last thing, knowing my predicament, he did offer me a “loan” with “no strings attached”…
GTH: How do you know he’s not just trying to be nice?
Me: Because he’s talking about his hard on at the same time...
Yep. That pretty much sums it up.
Stay tuned for Creepy Married Swinger High School Alumni guy…
Friday, August 28, 2009
Dating for dollars?
I’ve heard of dating for dinner but dating for dollars? Hmm, who would have thought I could turn dating into a paying career?
Meet Einstein. I call him this not because I think he’s smart but because he looks like the Jewish genius. Matted hair and a 12 lb. mustache. This 49 year old has probably been trying to get a date online since the inception of the web.
“I am a confident man well established , looking for a confident secure woman.If you are such a woman please contact me. I have worked in the entertainment industry for years as a electronic engineer doing everything from design to special effects to show supervision.I like hiking,fishing,going to the movies and searching out out of the way restruants.”
He states that he’s an Engineer with some college. Although, by the looks of his eloquently written profile I think he may be lying. Nobody is going to accuse this guy of being overly intelligent.
This is what I received from Einstein last night:
"HiI am going to get to the point.I need a pretty lady to accompany me to a party I was invited to at my bosses house this Saturday August 29, I need her to be with me between approx. 3pm until 12PM or 1AM or maybe a little later.No money business, all I ask is she hang with me and not hit on any other guys while we are there, just show that she is with me.I am willing to pay for this service. If you are interested email me back with a price.Thanks again. Einstein"
So, I’m confused, is he offering to pay me or not? He states “No money business” but then says he’s “willing to pay for this service.” Again, he’s probably not about to win any IQ contests.
Einstein has written me before. I’d say three times in the last six months. Each time I’m unable to stop laughing at his pictures long enough to respond. I probably should have shot him back a simple “thanks but no thanks” after the third time but anyone who has read my feelings on the topic of responding knows why I didn’t. Apparently, since he couldn’t get my attention before, he’s now trying to bribe me. But now, in addition to him just being persistent he’s now creepy.
We’ll see how our date goes…
Meet Einstein. I call him this not because I think he’s smart but because he looks like the Jewish genius. Matted hair and a 12 lb. mustache. This 49 year old has probably been trying to get a date online since the inception of the web.
“I am a confident man well established , looking for a confident secure woman.If you are such a woman please contact me. I have worked in the entertainment industry for years as a electronic engineer doing everything from design to special effects to show supervision.I like hiking,fishing,going to the movies and searching out out of the way restruants.”
He states that he’s an Engineer with some college. Although, by the looks of his eloquently written profile I think he may be lying. Nobody is going to accuse this guy of being overly intelligent.
This is what I received from Einstein last night:
"HiI am going to get to the point.I need a pretty lady to accompany me to a party I was invited to at my bosses house this Saturday August 29, I need her to be with me between approx. 3pm until 12PM or 1AM or maybe a little later.No money business, all I ask is she hang with me and not hit on any other guys while we are there, just show that she is with me.I am willing to pay for this service. If you are interested email me back with a price.Thanks again. Einstein"
So, I’m confused, is he offering to pay me or not? He states “No money business” but then says he’s “willing to pay for this service.” Again, he’s probably not about to win any IQ contests.
Einstein has written me before. I’d say three times in the last six months. Each time I’m unable to stop laughing at his pictures long enough to respond. I probably should have shot him back a simple “thanks but no thanks” after the third time but anyone who has read my feelings on the topic of responding knows why I didn’t. Apparently, since he couldn’t get my attention before, he’s now trying to bribe me. But now, in addition to him just being persistent he’s now creepy.
We’ll see how our date goes…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
