The Fireman (Part 2)

Fireman Update:

Less than a day after sending The Fireman my eloquently crafted email I received a response from him. I grabbed myself a bottle of water and braced myself for what this perfect specimen of a man had to say:

“You are too funny Melisa! I just read your profile and your a woman version of me! Hey what can I say were both sagittarius! I'm pretty sure we can reak sum havok upon this world! I'm a wild child, love my hennessy and I love sex too! Give me holla back when u get this message!
-The Fireman”

Okay, he’s not going to be winning any Pulitzer Prize Awards but at least he spelled my name right. Upon reading this message I knew I was in trouble. Just as I explained in my earlier post, he and I together have the potential to be nothing short of explosive. Call it my sixth sense, call it my woman’s intuition, call it what you will but I just had the feeling that having us two fire signs in the same proximity would make it a good thing he was already a trained firefighter.

Without wasting any time, I gave him my number. If this guy was truly for real, I wanted a piece of him. He called right away. We discussed all the usual topics in this first conversation in the limited time we had since he was on his way out. Turns out he lived about 3 miles from being in a rap song so it looked as if we would be meeting in my neck of the woods. I have no desire to be some random shooting statistic. Being in school and working for the LA County Fire Dept. full time I was already getting a sense that finding a time convenient for us to meet was going be a little difficult.

After that…

I got bored.

Yep, I’ll say it again. I got bored. It’s as if the excitement of the chase was over. He was my unicorn and now he was within reach. But something about knowing he was too busy for anything substantial turned me off. I’ve played the game in the past where I had to be “fit into” somebody else’s schedule. I may not be furthering my education or rescuing kittens from trees but my time is valuable none the less.

The following Friday night at 10pm we had this little text message exchange:

Him: Hey r u out?

Me: Just got home

Him: Ok, now you gotta come to my home and see me! Lol (Yeah no, that’s not going to happen. I won’t be visiting 8 Mile anytime soon)

Him: Hey, I just got off work and I’m a lil wired! Haha

Me: I just got home and I’m a lil tired! Haha

After that, he called me. Still trying to talk me into meeting up he began to inquire more about my location. But, face washed, teeth brushed and PJ’s on there was no way I was having company. I guess nobody can accuse me of being desperate. I don’t care who you are. If I’m tired and comfortable chances are I’m not going anywhere.

This is where he lost me. Upon discussing my recent move, he let it be known that my place wasn’t fully a home unless it had been “broken in”. I happen to agree with this statement but there was going to be no breaking in done this evening. He continued to enlighten me on his sexual prowess and open mindedness. I got the full picture of how “open minded” this guy was when he mentioned a swingers club he used to frequent with his ex.

Sure, I’m a little bit of a freak and I have a very healthy appetite when it comes to sex. If it’s been longer than a month I start to go into withdrawals. I get cranky and try to hump just about anything that crosses my path. I start imagining weather forecasters in the nude. It gets really bad. But even I was a little surprised at his bravado. I was even a little intimidated which says a lot considering I certainly have no problems holding my own under the sheets.

In my last entry I made mention of keeping him all to myself in my bedroom but those were my own personal thoughts. I did not mention my plans for his captivity to him so for him to immediately jump into the deep end of this conversation left me feeling a little bored and unimpressed.

Perhaps, deep down I was hoping for something more substantial than just another notch on my bedpost. That just doesn’t excite me anymore. It’s too easy. The real turn on for me these days is to actually find somebody who can make me laugh and have something more meaningful to say other than trying to guess my bra size. But, it looks like that’s not going to happen with this fellow.

I’ll probably end up meeting him just out of curiosity. I do still have my needs but as far as him being my white knight I don’t think that’s a role he’s going to be able to fill.

Creepy Married High School Swinger Guy

For this particular blog post, I’m just going to let my Facebook entries and Instant Messages to my friend, D, explain it all. For the record, I went to high school with creepy married guy.

My FB Status:
“FB update #125 for the day...if someone has to purchase 2 plane tickets due to a large bottom, shouldn't they be allowed to drive in the carpool lane? Just wondering...”

Here are the comments that followed:

Creep: If a girl with big breasts works at Hooters, shouldn't someone with one leg work at I-HOP?
Me: Touche! Nice comeback young grasshopper
Creep: It appears that the teacher has now become the student!
Me: Its ok, I just quit my job at Hooters and was looking for something to occupy my time

Apparently, he didn’t catch my attempt at humor because shortly after my response I got this email from the creep:

“Did you find anything interesting to take your mind off of walking around in your small Hooters shirt?”

Realizing that he was an idiot, I didn’t respond.

Three weeks later while IMing with my buddy, D, Mr. Creepy infiltrated my peaceful existence once more:

Me: I've got some retard trying to school me in humor...he's losing poorly
D: lol
Me: he's a retard and the kind of funny where he actually TELLS you he's funny. Uh newsflash...you are a moron!
D: HAHAHAHAAH tell it like it is girl!!!
Me: you know, if you have to tell someone that you are funny.....
D: then you really are not
Me: Bingo!
Me: and the high school NOTfunny guy is married
Me: so now I have creepy science teacher guy AND creepy married guy that’s not funny trying to bother me at the same time. I’m being instant message molested by the perverts from my youth!
D: oh great, why is he bugging you then?
Me: OH GAWD!!! Science teacher just told me he's never had a problem getting women....
Me: DUDE!!!! He just busted out the "I'm Rich" card...wow, he really put it out there!
D: of course, because all he talks about first is about how much money he's got
Me: yup. see I told you! I’m a weirdo magnet
D: oh man I can't wait to read THAT story
Me: I seriously can't believe this is happening...oh wait, this is me...YES I CAN
Me: married guy just told me my confidence is sexy...wtf???
D: creep!!!!
Me: ACK! He just said he's hot and bothered! Well, go fuck your wife then! Seriously, WHAT. IS. UP???
D: yeah no shit!!
Me: I'm seriously laughing in my head....see, I don't even have to do anything and the crazies seek me out
Me: totally entertaining though
D: hell yeah it is
Me: I just told him it was a good thing he had a WIFE to help him take care of those urges
D: good
Me: FUCK! He just told me that they are always looking for OTHERS TO PRACTICE WITH!!!!
Me: I need to log off from facebook...like yesterday!
D: oh boy.. swingers...nice
Me: now, creepy swinger married guy just told me "I think you're hot and I don't mind saying it. I have no shame"....nope, apparently not. Although, by the looks of the pics of his wife, I can TOTALLY see why he's hitting on me
D: OMG you are a trip
Me: wow, creepy swinger just threw it out there too...asked me what I thought of his pictures and if I’d be interested in meeting up with him. love the subtlety
D: I can't wait to hear how you let this one down
D: or tell him off
Me: I think I'm gonna play with him for a while then break his ego by telling him I'm only into black guys and 10" dicks
D: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: apparently I'm just too sexy to resist now
Me: I can't blame him of course
D: of course
Me: I’m weirded out about creepy married swinger guy. It's been my past experience that most men that brag about being "the best" in bed are usually the worst
Me: I told the guy flat out that I didn't dig doing other women’s men...that I didn't need their leftovers
Me: didn't stop him from trying
D: of course not, because guys don't know the meaning of "NO"
Me: it's the egos that get me
Me: he's not exactly George Clooney and his confidence is annoying, not endearing
Me: uh oh, I see the redhead is online...Gotta GO!


Basically, what I ended up doing with creepy married swinger guy was telling him I wasn’t interested in playing with him or his wife. It was then that he informed me that all women should get a chance to see a perfect penis once in their lives. I told him that I had in fact seen a perfect penis and that that perfect penis lives two doors down and ISN’T MARRIED! Buh Bye!