I’m the oldest of four children and by far the least accomplished as was brought to my attention by my Aunt Betty’s endearing Christmas Eve toast:
“A toast to Cindy for getting accepted into the college of her choice AND for getting a scholarship!
…and to Nick for actually meeting a girl and for making it through two years at college!
…to Rosy for working at Memorial Hospital for almost two years now as a nurse!
…and to Joe (my sister, Rosy’s husband) for getting hired by the police department this year!
(Cheering and clapping followed by a long, hard blank stare in my direction)
…and to Melisa…
(Crickets)
(Chirping)
(Loudly)
…to Melisa…Gosh! We just love you!”
Nothing strokes your ego when you are already feeling the bitter loneliness of the holidays like a fucking pity toast. And that was just the beginning of the evening. The rest didn’t fair much better for my already deflated level of confidence.
But, all is not lost, I got a Snuggie, a sewing machine and lots of chocolate for Christmas. So now, instead of a man I’ll have my Snuggie to keep me warm, the chocolate to keep my endorphins up and a sewing machine to let all my clothes out once I’ve eaten my way through See’s Candy.
Looking forward to the New Year…In a BAD way!
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Well, even if they don't appreciate you, I certainly do.
ReplyDeleteI would say it's possible your family just doesn't know you well enough to list your accomplishments. How often do you keep in contact? My oldest bro is similar but moreso b/c getting hold of him's darn near impossible, even this Christmas via phone. Regardless, somebody probably should've thought that one out a little better before inadvertently initiating the Festivus Airing of Grievances like that.
ReplyDeleteWow really? Really? First of all, who in the fuck still does Xmas toasts?? Also, in the state of this economy, the toast should be pointed in a general direction like: "let's be glad we can affor Xmas this year". Individual toasting during Xmas time is so... 1980's. Oh wait, the 80's is back in now.
ReplyDeleteIn my family, the toast is to god for keeping us healthy and allowing the family to be able to get together (religious parents). That's it. No accomplishments listed, no grievances, just happiness that family are together. But what the fuck do I know, I come from a place that parties 3 days on a row for Xmas. I have to learn that not every country is as happy as mine even if we are all dirt poor.
Understand completely. I am the total underachiever in my family. And also the youngest by 8 years. And don't have/won't have kids. Bleh.
ReplyDeleteI got a snuggie, too. And cookies. Already had a sewing machine. We'll be sisters from far away.
I think that achievements listed are highly over-rated. Interesting is what counts in this world. And talent. Not to mention a different perspective on life.
New Year...HERE WE COME!!
Wow that really blows! Sounds like we have the same family. Not that I'm the worst underachiever.. ok I might be.. but the bar in my family isn't set too high. Fortunately.
ReplyDelete*ahem* Can I have everyone's fucking attention please? I'd like to propose a toast to an incredible woman. Melisa, if there's anyway the world could clone you, I'd like at least two more of you to exist. One to kick my ex's ass and one to knit non-stop so you could make a fortune, leaving the REAL you to party with me non-stop. Because there is no one I'd rather party with at the moment than YOU. So here's to YOU Melisa, you fucking rock!
ReplyDeleteBwahaha...glad I trim mine
ReplyDelete