Sincerely, The Older Woman

Meet Joe. He’s 23, short, lives in New York and has this to say in his profile:

Interests: Looking for a long term relationship with no bs or drama.

First Date: Depends on the mood. I can do both. I like to go out to dinner and a movie or we can stay in a watch it and order out.

He’s a “Personal Trainer; Cashier” and looking for a long term relationship. No kids and undecided/open about the prospect of having any.

His email to me:

"Hello my name is Joe. I was just browsing thru some profiles in when I came across your page. I think your a very hot older woman and since this is an online dating site I thought that maybe you would be interested to talk. If you are you can hit me up on yahoo at sadist666 or msn at seriouslysadistic (Yes, I just made those up). I have a cam on there so you can see more of me if you want. Hope to talk to you soon. Bye."

This is what I take away after reading his profile and email:

1. He’s not a fan of proofreading.
2. He’s very original. We can go to dinner and a movie or stay in and watch one with take-out. How clever.
3. He doesn’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Which happens to be a personal pet peeve of mine along with “there”, “their” and “they’re”.
4. He’s a master of the obvious. This is an online dating site? Really? Oh shit, that explains a lot.
5. “I have a cam…so you can see more of me” really means “I’m going to pull out my junk within minutes of Instant Messaging with you.”
6. His pictures scream more cashier and less personal trainer.

What his profile didn’t mention was that he’s clearly into sadomasochism. After reading his email last night it’s quite obvious that he’s looking for a beating. Also, I’m 31, people!!! I’m not a “cougar”. I’m not “past my prime” and my biological clock is “not ticking”.

What I am, is someone that’s about to school Mr. Joe on what manners are. Ok, not really. I’m just going to do what I do best. And that’s make him cry. He’s still a puppy and needs to be trained. If he ever has a chance of getting laid, Joe needs to learn how to talk to women because “Joe momma” (hehe) didn’t teach him very well.

Dear Joe,

I would have responded last night but I couldn’t find my bifocals. While I’m flattered (not really) that you would take the time to write me, I’m going to have to pass on your invitation to talk and view your webcam. Also, I live in California and find that a 4000 mile commute is a bitch.

But, feel free to contact me if you’re ever in the area, you’ve grown six inches and have successfully completed puberty.

Till then, good luck in your cougar search.

Sincerely,
The Older Woman