I've Moved!!!

As of today, my new home is http://www.missmelisamae.com/. Please join me there! I have some new things in store, more stories to tell and more disastrous dating to endure and share.

See you there!!!

XOXO,
MMM

Killing Brain Cells One Profile at a Time

Yesterday, the stars aligned, the skies parted and every dumbass with a pulse came out of the woodworks to accost me with their bullshit.

Red Carvett

“What's up babe?I weill be stright up with you.You are sexy as hell to me.And I mean no disrespect at all babe.Can I taste that little red carvett of yours?”

About me: I like to study the laws of physics and practice Shaolin. My goal is to open a school for women in self-defense. My hobbies are any variety of activies such as swimming and running. I love women and everything about them.How about that one on one - - -.Yes that.

First Date: I would like to meet her and make sure she feels comfortable and let her decide what she would like to do. My goal is to make her stay with me comfortably. And, how the date proceeds is entirely up to chemistry. However, if it were up to me then we would go out to dinner and****ails afterwards to enjoy conversation and get to know each other.

Also I'am not into playing games.I'am a one woman's man.Seeking a woman that is not afraid to be loved by a true man of love the last one cut from the cloth of Love,Trust and Loyalty.

First of all, he wants to taste my “little red carvett”? I seriously have no idea what he is referring to here. I’m assuming he meant to write “corvette” but even so, I’m still hard pressed to find the correlation. I’m a blond. The only thing red about me are the horns I keep neatly tucked under my halo.

He wants to open a school for women in self-defense? Perhaps teach women how to protect themselves from men like, Oh, I don’t know…HIM?

And how about taking time to proofread? My eyes are now bleeding. Oh I get it! That’s what he meant by tasting my “little red carvett.” He wants to lick my tears. Charming.
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The Racist

“Hi. I’d like to take you out.”

Stats: 33 yo, 5’10” tall, never married, Black

About Me:  Lets see...about me. My name is Derek. I am an extroverted type who embraces life and relishes each moment. I am hoping to meet a nice person with which to spend quality time. I am very athletic. I am a powerlifter who hopes to join the strongman circuit early next year. You will find me a cool, compassionate man who is genuinely loved by children (though I have none of my own), and has a depth of perspective that enriches my relationships. I keep my promises if when it comes at severe penalty to me and I regularly choose to be hated for being honest rather than receive love for pretending to be someone else.

I would like to meet someone who is between 28-39 yrs old. I prefer Nordic looking women, i.e., blond with blue eyes. My preference for white women is a culture phenomena for me. I am a native Alabamian. I grew up in a state that deemed a marital union between a black male and a white woman unconstitutional until 2004. So when I finally had the privilege of dating a white woman for the first time found the experience invigorating because it felt "American" to pursue happiness as I saw fit in my personal life.

Notwithstanding the above, I love women of all ethnicities. Asian, Latina, Native American, and bi\multiracial women are certainly desireable to me. In fact, I am only opposed to dating Black/African American women due to foreseeable perpetual personality clashes.

Did you notice that this guy is Black? He’s actually racist against his own race! So glad that he finds dating white women as “American”. Just to prove my patriotism, I’m going to go out and get myself a white woman, too. Then I'm going to have a slice of apple pie.  So there.

Also, men that discuss a “genuine love” when it comes to children creep me out. Maybe I should invite him over, order in and we can watch the “To Catch a Predator” series together.
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SVFRider

“..you sound like FUN! I'm nearby...ever ride on the back of a Harley? (Or ever had a Harley Man ride YOU?)...looking forward to meeting you...or "MEATING" you...HUNG (9") here..exceptionally clean/disease-free..always HARD..insatiable and oral pleaser too.

I can host or travel.

Will

PS- You wont be sorry...I'm an effing "Rock-Star" in Bed!!!”

About Me: Well Educated, Self-Employed and highly sensual "Free Spirit"...Dog Lover here (a Mix of "Cowboy" & "Hippy")...I have a couple of Harley-Davidsons and looking for an open-minded kindred spirit to ride with me....Some laughs, friendship and open to more.

First Date: Seeking a very open-minded and sensual woman that appreciates a very endowed man that is instaiable and a real pleaser..I can usually host at my place in the SFV. I'm open to age, race and body-type....just be like me please..exceptionally clean & disease-free.

This guy’s email is wrong on SO many levels. Who the hell says “I can host or travel” unless they are booking a prostitute? And I may be wrong but is he well endowed and sensual seeking somebody sensual that appreciates someone well endowed? I could be wrong.

Oh, and he’s 53. Yeah, no. I’d sooner hook up with my best friend’s grandfather.
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New2Cali

“Hello,well i am new 2 cali and this site,i love that u r so straight 2 the point.”

About Me: Well i was told by a friend about this site so i thought i would try it out,i am new 2 cali and so far so good,jst trying 2 meet new faces and go from there,i enjoy walks,mma,wrking out,occasionaly reading a book,Dean Koontz 2 b exact.

First Date: I think meeting in person is the best way 2 start so u c if there is any chemistry and how u feel around that person.

Did he set up his online profile with a 12 year old Nokia? Whre did he lern how 2 write & tipe?
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UFC_Guy

“wow is your profile for reals? lol straight up hu? i like that”

About Me: 6 foot 5 hispanic looking for nice people. possibly a good friend. no liars.please. i love music. going out to dance.i love old skool r and b, old skool rap and classic rock.i love a woman who is classy. yet can let her hair down if needed.no drama. i have two daughters who are my world. i am not ur typical weekend dad. i have them over 50%

First Date: nice place to have some drinks, dinner. maybe some dancing. or a little coffee house and just chopping it up...

Motherfucker can’t even type yet he’s looking for “a woman who is classy”. He love’s “old skool r and b and is not ur typical weekend dad." He’s right, he’s probably a lot dumber than most weekend dads. Is it too much to ask him to use the Shift key when starting a sentence? All I can say is that I hope he isn’t home schooling his little bundles of joy.

And he can give UFC_Guy back his Nokia now.
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TimmyT

“add me so we can chat”

No
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Ty

“Nice”

About Me: I have been an athlete most of my life, I love workingout and hiking. I love to run on the beach. When I am relaxing, I like to watch movies, go to a movie and then I like to have a nice dinner with a nice glass of red wine. I am very simple and like simple things in life. If you like simple things and looking for a compassionate friend to hangout with sometimes, I would love to have that opportunity. Have a great day ladies.

First Date: I would introduce my new compassionate friend to a romantic evening at Sushi Rocku in Pasadena. We could start with a nice glass of wine and try different sushi of her likes. The purpose is to have a compassionate conversation to get to know each other and as the night go on, we could see how passionate, we are towards one another. A very simple compassionate and passionate date between two beautiful people of attraction.

Hmph. Compassionate friend, huh? Is that what the kids are calling it these days? In two paragraphs he has mentioned the words compassionate and passionate six times. I think I get the point. He’s looking for somebody to recite bad poetry to and poke in the butt. I know him. I’ve met his kind before.

Oh! Before I forget, let me leave you with this…

He wrote me too. Shocker that he’s still single.

Now if you will kindly excuse me while I go wash my eyes out with battery acid. That stings only slightly less than reading these profiles did. Then I’m going to go join a dating site that requires you have an IQ over 12 to join.

10 Seconds I'll Never Get Back

I’ve always had a hard on for men in uniform. Always. I consider them to be among the world’s super heroes. Just imagine Spiderman or Superman. In real life they are geeky and insecure. They are, in essence, normal. Once they don their tights and capes they become irresistible. I fully recognize it for what it is, though. It’s a power thing. Confidence is sexy and if you can wear spandex and still be confident, I want to have sex with you.

Minute Man just happened to be a man in uniform and thanks to Match.com he now had my undivided attention. Tall, Hispanic and relatively good looking he worked as a high school narc and images of 21 Jump Street flashed through my perverted mind. I’m not sure if he actually carried a gun but he did carry mace and that was good enough for me. He was shooting for the Police Academy and had already begun the long and tedious process. Thoughts of doing the nasty in the backseat of a squad car again had me bound and determined to make this man love me.

Not letting the hour and a half distance keep me from my soul mate we decided to meet up for dinner at a restaurant half way. I liked what I saw when I first arrived. He was everything he had claimed to be. And then some. He was tall, Hispanic, good looking but had the largest nose I had ever seen. Think Barbara Streisand’s nose on Enrique Iglesias’s face. Oddly charming.

Conversation flowed, cocktails were imbibed and it didn’t bother me in the slightest that he was 32, lived at home with his parents and had already been married and divorced twice. At least I knew that Ross was not afraid of commitment.

By our third date I was ready for the horizontal mambo. Every time the subject had been broached Ross was never at a loss for words. Provocative and not the least bit shy. According to him, he "knew his way around a bedroom" and had “never received any complaints.”

I'm always weary of a man that brags about his bedroom skills. My experience has lead me to believe that the more one brags the more one disappoints. I wasn’t expecting this to go as well as he had assumed. In my mind having “never received any complaints” equated to never having received any praise either.

(Men, just a word of advice. If you ever want to know how you really did between the sheets ask your girlfriend’s girlfriends. What she tells you and what she tells them may be very different stories indeed.)

Despite knowing this and being the eternal optimist, I asked him if he would like to buy some alcohol and go to our room. Knowing we didn’t have a room the implication was clear. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone yell “Check Please!” so fast.

At the Ritz Carlton (AKA, Best Western) down the road from the restaurant, we settled in for what I had hoped was going to be filled with declarations of love and unlimited orgasms. Covered in sweat, bruises and aching from sore muscles only to be concluded with hours of shower sex and neighbors knocking on the walls.

Instead, this is what I got…

Pump, pump, stop. Pump, pump, stop. Pump, pump, Uhhhhh!

*Snore*

The amount of time it took you to read the above line is the exact amount of time it lasted. I should have trusted my gut. It took longer to make the cocktail I wasn’t allowed to finish before being interrupted with empty promises of ecstasy and sexual gratification. 10 Second Man now carries the distinguished title of being the quickest lay in the history of my vagina.

Unfortunately, things went downhill fast after that. We stayed in touch but never went out again. As luck would have it and unbeknownst to me, a girlfriend of mine started corresponding with him (also through Match.com). Only by coincidence when 10SM was sending out a mass change of address email and she spotted me on the recipient list did she even find out that he and I knew each other. She immediately called for the scoop as their first date was just a few days away. I told her the truth. That he was nice, funny and the worst lay this side of the Mississippi. Despite 10SM regaling her with tales of his sexual prowess and experience I was able to set the record straight.

Yes, I cock blocked him. I freely admit that. According to girl code, it is our unequivocal duty to spare our girlfriends from bad dudes, bad sex and bad shoes. I didn’t tell her not to go out with 10SM, I simply warned her that he may need a cockring and some schooling in what it really means to “know your way around a bedroom.”

In other news, HBG texted me an unsolicited picture of his junk the other day. I’m not exactly sure what he has in mind or what I’m supposed to do with a picture of the one penis that got away. I’m no longer attracted or amused and more than a little creeped out now. HBG will now be simply known as Dumb Ass.

Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!

Like most women people, I don’t like being told what to do. I’m a cut off the nose to spite my face kind of gal. Tell me to “have a nice day” and I’m likely to have a shitty one just to spite you. I’m gangsta like that.

My mother has learned this the hard way. She has had her hands full with me more than once. She actually knows better than to tell me to find a nice man and settle down for fear I’ll bring home the Oakland Raiders for Christmas dinner and an invite to accompany me to the Maury Povich Show for a “secret”. My mother has developed whiplash from shaking her head whenever I mention my “future ex husbands”.

Along those lines, here are a few things that men like to tell me when making contact that make me want to kick them in the gonads.

Please don’t tell me…

1. …how funny you are. You’re a part time comedian? Well that must mean you are really good then. Only doing it part time and all. Who wants to be funny 40 hours a week when you can just do it for 20? Working smarter and not harder, are you? Fantastic. You guarantee you will make me laugh? Yeah? When? Or does that start tomorrow because guess what? Your profile was boring, your picture with the cross-dresser was too obvious and the “Yo momma” jokes are only funny a) if I know you and b) if you’re momma really is that fat.

2. …my mother would love you. Newsflash, my mother doesn’t like ANY of the men I bring home. It’s a fact. And it’s actually taken me 15 years to figure out why. Because they were all assholes. Of course, the next time I bring home a gent and ask my mother what she thinks of him, I’ll still insist she just “doesn’t know him like I do” when she replies with “uhm, he seems nice” and walks away. Knowing this, the odds of you being one she actually likes are not in your favor. Can’t argue with statistics, darling.

3. …you treat your woman like a queen. Ever see that sports commercial with the guy whose spine was removed by his girlfriend and goes around smelling lavender candles? That’s you. Pussy whipped following your woman around like a puppy dog for fear she will let another dog piss on her. Or, you’re just full of shit.

4. …you are looking for somebody that is fit or likes to stay in shape. My profile clearly states “a few extra pounds”. Do I look like somebody that goes to the gym for fun? The only thing that gets me to the gym is if I know there are going to be good looking men there. Your farmer’s tanned, underweight physique is not exactly what I would consider a desirable body type either.

5. …you love your job. Unless you are Oprah, I don’t buy it.

6. …you’ll send me a picture if I will just send you my email address. Yeah, no. All I know about you is that you are “looking for your partner in crime”. Without a picture or any real defining personal information in your profile I can only deduce two things about you. First, you are really, really boring and unoriginal or second, you probably do, in fact, have a criminal record. Either way, I’m not interested.

7. …you love a girl with a big ass. I don’t think I even need to explain this one.

8. …hOw MuCH fUn U R. I’m sure you are. If I WaS 12 yEaRs oLd.

9. …you are looking for a lady on the streets but a freak in the sheets. The only thing I find more irritating than online dating clichés are song lyrics. Unless you actually wrote the song lyrics, please don’t include them in your profile to describe what you want in a woman. Strike that. Don’t EVER put song lyrics in your profile.

With that said, I have a date later this week with a guy that finds a big ass sexy, says my mother will love him, claims to have a killer sense of humor and enjoys his job. This is going to be super.