Dude, Stop Calling Me Dude.

There are three things that will guarantee a response from me. One, if you are hot (The Fireman). Two, if you amuse me (Willy Wonka). And three, if you piss me off. Yesterday, I was pissed off.

To make the long story short, I was first sent an email from Mr. Damn Obnoxious Uber Cocky Harassing Egomaniac (D.O.U.C.H.E) about nine months ago. I wasn’t interested the first go round after he bombarded me with emails asking if I could handle his charm, good looks and muscular physique. Had he actually been any of those things I surely would have handled him, and then some. However, the 30 year old, 5’10, 135 lb. Sales Rep with a Bachelor’s Degree just wasn’t doing it for me.

His barrage of one liner emails became so incessant that I finally responded by saying simply “Thanks but no thanks”. Of course he wrote back asking why. I’m sure his mind had been blown that I wasn’t swept away by what could only have been created by the Greek God’s themselves when giving life to such a perfect mortal.

If his pictures weren’t anything to write home about, his profile certainly wasn’t helping matters either.

Im looking for a cute and smart woman who I can have a connection with, date, and fall in love with. Chemistry and physical attraction should be there, as well as mutual respect.

I have a good job in sales which I really enjoy. I graduated from UCLA with a b. a. in political science and live in Newport Beach now. I want to buy my own condo soon. I like to work out, and it would be nice if that person keeps fit. Oh, and ladies, when I say Im 5ft 10, it does NOT mean Im really 5ft 7 lol.

I love to laugh so a sense of humor is a must. Intelligence is a turn on, I cannot stress that enough. Head games, selfishness, or flaky behavior is a turn off. I have a sarcastic and playful side, but I balance that by trying to treat people like I want to be treated. Lets meet for a drink and see if we click.

Read: Looking for love, chemistry, the Fountain of Youth and pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. He loves to laugh? No shit. He's fit and wants you to be fit. Sense of humor, blah, blah, blah. No head games, or flakes, yada, yada, yada. Claims to be educated yet can’t seem to get a grasp on simple things like basic punctuation.

Generic pictures, generic profile. Where has this guy been all my life? Sorry I didn’t meet him sooner. We should get together ASAP so that we can knit potholders while watching Jeopardy and spying on our neighbors from rocking chairs. Perhaps for an encore we can discuss AARP benefits, fruit cake recipes and debate the pros and cons of providing condoms to high school students.

As tempting as that all sounds, I eventually found it necessary to block Mr. Douche. I’ve got better things to do with my time than to spend it dodging some prick that can’t take No for an answer. Moving along…

Yesterday, out of the blue, I had the pleasure of being bombarded once again by emails from Mr. D.

Mr. Douche: Still scared of dating cute guys with nice bodies?

Where is this mythical cute guy with a nice body that he constantly speaks of? I thought I had blocked this moron. Looks as though Mr. Persistent went and got himself another profile. Awesome sauce.

Me: Yes, clearly that's it.

Him: Well whats your deal then?

*Silence*

I’ve played this game with him before and I have no desire to play it again. Now he’s just getting creepy. I’ve taken to hiding my pots, pans and rabbits.

Him: Dude dont take this the wrong way but you're not exactly Angelina Jolie and you're so NOT out of my leauge. Why the whole arrogance? Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?

*Silence*

Him: Not out of my leauge dude.

Now I’m ready…

Me: First of all, DUDE, stop calling me dude. Second of all, it’s quite apparent that in addition to not being nearly as attractive and in shape as you claim, you are also not a rocket scientist. To most people, the silence would be a clear indication of disinterest and let it go. You seem to be confusing my lack of interest for arrogance.

However, if I remember correctly, you hit me up a few months back using another profile name in which I did tell you I was not interested. To continue harassing me is a clear sign of your immaturity and ignorance. Also, I’m not sure of which league you are referring to but I highly recommend that the next time you try using such large words, learn to spell them correctly.

For you to actually write “Are u only into guys who make you feel smaller or something?” makes you an idiot. Get over yourself and find somebody else to bother.

And for the record, you are correct about one thing…I’m not exactly Angelina Jolie. I’m blond.

Then I blocked his ass. Again.

Only two things could have come out of this union. He’d either end up wearing me as a suit or I’d end up on Dateline sporting the latest fashion in orange jumpsuits. Either way, I’d lose.


**Unfortunately, this isn’t the first time somebody has mentioned this distinguished “League”. Jack from Brooklyn has also had the pleasure of being the receiver of such unfortunate and misguided spelling. I highly recommend you read his post discussing his participation in what he refers to as the “Age of the Internet”.

Nice to meet you, Butt...

Every so often I read a profile that absolutely deserves to be memorialized by Yours Truly. Butt Pirate had just such a profile.

ONLY IF YOU LOVE BACKDOOR ACTION

Are you a woman who just orgasms super hard when your loved in the booty? Are you afraid to tell anyone or just simply can't find a partner who understands or is private about it?
 Maybe your married or just seeking a good ,(private) time. Whatever it is I would love to feel you by dipping my manhood as deep as possible into your chocolate factory. As deep as I can and as hard as I can until we feel your woman hood has been touched.

(I am not looking to be penetrated whatsoever).

I very much enjoy backdoor lovemaking and seek a woman who enjoys receiving this aquired taste...

My first love introduced me to this pleasure and I have engaged in it and have treasured it ever since. This doesn't make me gay, insane or indecent. I'm not into hurting women or anything. Not every woman enjoys this kind of lovemaking and I understand that, but I seek a woman who does.

I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos (are you too?) Maybe we can explore them together.

Communication is really important to me. I will always be truthful and honest.

I am not interested in game playing whatsoever.

You must be Sane, clean and STD FREE, Just like me.

Ask me anything. I look forward to meeting you.

I just adore how he talks about his love of nature and all things having to do with charity and helping mankind. How he wants a special woman to complete him and make him a better man. How he’s looking for the woman of his dreams and the future mother of his children. How he wants to hold you in his strong arms and make love…Oh wait, that wasn’t him. All this idiot can talk about is dipping his manhood into your chocolate factory.

I want this man nowhere near my womanhood. For once, I’ve found myself somewhat at a loss for words. How am I supposed to react when a man refers to the asshole as a “chocolate factory”?

I probably never would have stumbled upon this gem had he not sent me an overly tantalizing email saying “yummy”. But when I saw the picture of the olive skinned, brown eyed cutie I just had to check things out further.

So.

Glad.

I DID!

I love this man. Why? Because I haven’t laughed this fucking hard since I heard that Screech had a sex tape.

Here’s my take on pooper play. STAY AWAY FROM MY ASS. It’s as simple as that. I don’t want you looking at it, blowing on it, licking it, sticking your finger in and I especially don’t want you sticking your dick in it. Yes, I have done it “the right way”. Yes, I have “eased into it”. And yes, “I have used plenty of lube”. Please don’t insult my sexual knowledge as to insinuate that I haven’t tried something as common as anal sex. If there is a an erogenous zone to be found, I have tried poking it, prodding it, licking it, massaging it and vibrating it. Twice. I simply don’t garner any satisfaction from having that part of my body penetrated.

So, what did I do after reading the Edgar Allan Poe of the bum-bum? I wrote back to him, of course.

While I don’t particularly share your opinion of backdoor lovemaking as a romantic gesture, I must ask you a question. Not to mock nor in jest but out of genuine curiosity. Do you get a lot of replies or responses to your profile?

Within hours, I received this response:

Maybe average 3 a day. Usually 1 fat fat chick. Plenty cute girls that want it night and day. Some women do love anal you just have to find them. The rest can find a man who doesn't I guess.

The next day Willy Wonka closed his account.

Was it something I said? So happy he clarified that “1 fat fat chick”. He should be considered a saint to all fat chicks everywhere.

Now, there are plenty that do enjoy backdoor play and that’s awesome. Go to it. I don’t hold anything personal against the butthole. I don’t hold anything against those that like to play with the butthole. To each his own. Some people enjoy lobster. Some don’t. It’s all strictly a matter of preference. And yes, I just compared buttplay to lobster.

In closing, I must mention how much I love that he writes “I am also beginning to find interest is deeper taboos”. Was that supposed to be a pun?